A Night with the Stars

It’s usually not that difficult finding something for me to ramble on about, on this site. There’s plenty of things that piss me off on a daily basis. For the most part, the most difficult thing is finding the things that amuse me, or piss me off, that are either somewhat interesting to other people, or can at the very least be told in a way that sound interesting. There have been times, when the loyal visitors of this site have recommended something for me to blog about. The other day, an all time classic landed right in my lap.
I was sent a link to this site: http://gossipcbus.blogspot.com/2009/03/invite-celebrity-bartender-competition.html

How amazing! An event like this, right there in my own backyard! I’m not sure if this is to benefit something, or if people just have way too much time on their hands. Either way, this has to be the best thing to hit Columbus, since the serial sniper.

The part that stands out the most to me, is the celebrity bartenders. Celebrities, of any stature, make great, and entertaining fill-ins for almost any job you can think of. Reality t.v. has taught us, that nothing is greater than a celebrity stepping out of their element, trying something new, and making an ass of themselves in front of the general public. Most of the time we see it on the web, or on t.v. or both, like the Mel Gibson Arrest rant. Pure gold. This time, I can be a part of the action. Usually, I applaud celebrities trying new jobs, even when it’s destined to fail. Like Ron Artests rap career, or that movie Cindy Crawford was in with one of the Baldwin’s, where she showed boob. This time, the celebs have gone too far. Bartending, is not something anyone but trained professionals should try. It’s a job that requires both skill, and grace, and should only be left to our nations best and brightest. I don’t care if you used to pitch for the reds, unless your name is Rob Dibble, you better not fuck up my drink order.
The celebrities, which is a rather loose term on this one, include the following Central Ohioans:

Columbus Blue Jackets Stars, Rick Nash, and Mike Commodore
Former Buckeye, and ESPN analyst Kirk Herbstreit
Former MLB Pitcher, and Dublin native Kent Mercker
and Jimmy Jam (who upon brief research, is not the 80’s hip-hop star, but a local DJ of debated homo-sexuality)

What an all-star cast that is! I can’t wait to try Kirk Herbstreits homemade Mint Julep! He actually has a shot at being the best bartender here, as like most good bartenders, he usually only works a day or two each week, and that’s all seasonal.
Kent Mercker, may be the wild card on this one. Sure, he’s tossed a no-hitter, but he’s also one of the few living left handers, to not be invited to pitch for the Reds this season. The years of MLB experience means he has to know a thing or two about pounding booze. But, if anyone has seen him pitch for the Reds, you have to figure most of what he tries to pour into a glass is going to miss by at least a foot, and any bar patrons wearing a Cubs or Cardinals hat, will be able to run him off the mound in a heartbeat.
Not real sure on this Jimmy Jam fella, and frankly, don’t care.
The real “celebs” we should be worried about here, are the two Blue Jackets, Rick Nash, and Mike Commodore. Not only am I a little concerned about our unquestioned best player, team Captain, and leading scorer, and our best defender taking a night off to bartend during a playoff run, I also fear what will happen if you give hockey guys free range at a bar. Has anyone ever drank with Hockey guys? They’re like rednecks, with less common sense. Hockey guys are a bread all their own. Hockey guys, even the goalies, can drink them-self retarded, get their asses kicked, and then do it all over again, night after night. If anyone has ever drank with real deal mexicans, they know many of them drink glasses of tequila straight up. Hockey guys do the same thing, only with paint thinner. Canadian Hockey players, who are the far and away best in the business, use Molson to brush their teeth, and all the other hockey players of the world just try and keep up. If you are an American, and play hockey, killing all of your brain cells with grain alcohol, is the best way to raise your hockey skills, to the level of the Canadian players. I’m not sure letting them serve drinks to the general public is the best idea here. If you live in Columbus, and want to either get your ass kicked, or get a DUI, buying a few mixed drinks from the Blue Jackets finest, is the thing for you.

So I salute whomever came up with this plan, I really do. I may actually have to drop in on this, just to savor the stupidity. Hopefully this thing is a huge success, and it becomes a tradition that last’s long enough for Maurice Clarett to get out of prison. I’ve been dying to for him to make me a grey goose sea-breeze.