Wake up call

A special thanks to the kind, ever-thinking folks down at AnheiserBusch. In their infinite wisdom, they changed the design on the cans of Bud Light. It’s mainly blue now, with a silver band, and red trim. A lot like the Blue Jackets gear, and a hell of a lot like the new cans of pepsi, which is also a fixture in our ‘fridge. Today, these two worlds collided like never before.
I was running a little late, and coffee wasn’t going to be enough, I needed something to pick-me-up, as i drove to Daycare, and then onto Southern Ohio! It’s a pain stopping to get coffee with a kid in a car seat, and my favorite java place is off-limits ever since the gay cashier gave me his phone number on my receipt. So pepsi it was. It sat in my cup holder until about halfway to Cincinnati, when my coffee was finished. Pepsi is a great part-time supplement for good coffee. It’s cold, so it wakes up the senses, has plenty of caffeine to keep you on your toes, and has the sugar you need to get through the day.
Did I mention the new Pepsi cans, and the new Bud Light cans are strangely similar?
This was not pepsi my friends. As I drove along the highway, I cracked one open, expecting a delicious can of my favorite pop to get me going. This was not pepsi. It kinda smelled beer, but I didn’t give it a second thought. There could be about a thousand reasons one gets a whiff of beer in my truck. Today, there was one thousand and one reasons why my truck smells like beer. I had grabbed Bud Light, when I meant to grab a pepsi. it was still a little cold, ‘rodeo cold’ was more like it, and at 9 a.m. it didn’t exactly hit the spot. i kinda suspected something was wrong, the smell gave it away, but for some reason I took that first drink. It was not good, and definitely not pepsi. I’d love to say, that was the only drink I took, it wasn’t. For the record, I did not finish the beer, a couple sips, yes. That was it, most of the beer remained in the can, in the cup holder, and I pressed on to my destination. I was there about 2 hours, and then headed back to get on the highway and get north. By this time, i was well awake, and had forgotten about the open can of beer in my vehicle. I was cruising along, getting a little excited listening to the ESPN radio talk about the upcoming NCAA tourney. It’s my favorite time of the year. As I cruised down some podunkhighway, I went up a hill with a little curve on rt. 73. At the top of the hill, sat a cop car, facing the same direction as me. I smoked my brakes to get near the “recommended” speed limit, just as I passed him. He hit his lights, and merged onto the road behind me. Was he after me, or just using his lights to show off, or for safety as he was re-entering the highway. He was definitely after me, so i pulled off to the side, holding out hope he would blow by me, en route to some “major” crime scene down in BFE Ohio. Nope, definitely me. HE started walking to the passenger side of my vehicle, after he had clearly ran my plates. he was doing that walk that cops use after watching way too many shitty John Wayne movies. The one hand near the holster “Easy Pilgrim, I have something lodged in my anus” walk.
The funniest part is, I didn’t care. Could he accurately radar me withhis vehicle pointed the same direction I was going? I didn’t see him hanging out the window with his radar like Roscoe P. Coltrain. Even if I was going to get a ticket, I really didn’t care. I wasn’t even in a hurry for him to get it over with, I was completely indifferent. He could have shot me, and I might not have cared, I was in complete serenity, and really didn’t feel concerned or bothered about the super cop of southern Ohio. There have been times when a cop had turned on his lights behind me, and I started to pray, or debated a high speed chase. this was not one of those. All was well.
As I rolled down the window, he said his name “officer so-and-so of the Harveysburghpolice department” I tried not to laugh at him, and he asked “do you know why I pulled you over?” I thought about saying, “no, i slammed on my brakes at 80 mph for no reason, did you need directions or something”. I stuck with a simple “no, why?” He said “68 in a 55, that’s why” I said nothing, again fighting off dozens of hilarious comebacks, handed him my license, and insurance card, just as he had asked for, and he walked away.
As I sat there, completely indifferent to everything going on around me, not worrying about my fate with Johnny lawbags, not concerned about how all of americas cops are simply ticket machines, as opposed to actual crime fighters. All that was going through my head was how nice the weather was, and where I would stop to eat.
Then I saw the beer can. Luckily it was on the cupholder in my middle console, nearest the drivers seat, and partially blocked by my giant coffecup. I went from, ‘lets get this over with mode’ to complete ‘Oh Shit’ mode in about 1/8th of a second. He was on his way back to my car, and I took off my hat, and sat it on my seat, partially covering the stupid pepsi look-alike can of bud light. I started to freak out, he had to be on to me. Was he going to ask me to step out? He was pretty fat, should I try and get to his weapon and take him down? My mind was racing, and headed in some really bad directions.
He very politely informed me I was getting a warning, and to watch my speed. I kinda stuttered a little gibberish about not knowing how fast I was going, all the while waiting for him to see my accidental beer can. He wished me a good day, and started walking away.

I did it! I fought the law, and I won! Stupid cop, gave me a warning. That’s like my 9th warning, seriously. I’ve still never actually gotten a ticket, just a shitload of warnings. Hoooooray Me!
I got back on the highway, and at the next exit, pulled off, and got rid of the now very warm, accidental can of Bud Light, that looks way too much like pepsi. The perfect crime.

So in the end, just another warning. 13 over the speed limit, not bad, but not even close to my all time record for still getting a warning. On the way to our honeymoon, I was hauling ass, knowing that even the lesbianest of cops couldn’t give a ticket to honeymooners. I had to have been doing at least 88, and once the cop who did pull me over saw our freshly minted marriage certificate, he just shook his head, wished us a happy honeymoon, and sent us on our way to the airport. I love cops, and I love warnings even more. How there isn’t any warrants out for me, is a sad reflection on our justice system, but I’ll take it. I did get to have another Big bacon Classic at that magical Wendys on my way home, so it was actually a pretty good day.

But remember. if you drink Pepsi, and Bud Light, and keep them in the same refrigerator, either buy bottles, or check closely before you leave your house with one. Knowing is half the battle.