Hail To The Victor’s!

Now that the recruiting season for college football has finally come to an end, it’s time to decide who got what. Like with anything in life, recruiting is open to debate. It takes at least 3 years to really get a grasp on who’s worth what. Recent history, has tought us that just because someone is “supposed” to be awesome, does not mean they won’t suck. At THE Ohio State University for example, the headliners of a recent recruiting class were Maurice Clarrett, Justin Zwick, and Mike D’Andrea. Listed as also signed we’re a couple of guys named Troy Smith, and A.J. Hawk. A Heisman, and the first defensive player drafted came to them respectively. Recruiting is a crapshoot, nobody can dispute that.  In the past, I have fallen victim to getting bored, and reading “recruiting experts” opinions, and getting false promises of greatness. They are High School kids. Many have never even seen a boob in real life. They know little about football. Despite this, I have decided to give out my first anual reward for recruiting greatness. Here, are my top five.

5. Ohio State (obviously) OSU has been ranked anywhere from the 9th best class, to the #1 class in the nation, depending on who you listen to. How that big of a gap gets formed? Is beyond me. To put it in terms of the recent election, OSU either signed Barack Obam, or Dennis Kucinich, depending on what dude who never gets laid you ask. Less than half of this class is white, so I’ll take it. They also got kids from warm weather states, and guys who run really really fast. the highlight in my opinion, is Cris Carters kid. Nothing says success like the dilluted sead of a legend. Darryl Strawberry’s kid, and Mark McQuires brother have tought us this much.

4. Notre Dame: The Irish, highlighted their recruiting class, with a last minute steal. They dipped into the same bucket they have relied on for centuries. mormons, from Hawaii. Apparently some kid who is awesome, mormon, and from Hawaii, is going to play linebackker there. That should work out well for those two years he’s out handing out pamphlet’s to people in the suburbs.

3. USC: I have no idea who they signed, but it is USC, so they will be awesome. Pete Carroll, is like the dude at the strip club, who leaves an $80.00 tip after the first round of drinks. All the talent just flocks to him after that. Urban Meyer is close, but in a pedophilia sort of way, and Les Miles is legally retarded, so Pete is the winner here. Though the peaks will be high, and the good times will be a rollin’, it will all come to an end soon. Just like the big tipper in the strip club, Pete will end up with an STD, and a bastard child.

2: Michigan: They signed people who were not on their roster from last year, which is a big plus. It may not be great, but it’s a huge upgrade. It’s like going from legally dead, to a permanent vegatative state. At least they have a chance to pull off a miracle. They signed some quarterbacks who again, were not on their roster last year, so they have a fighters chance there. I figure ole Dick-Rod, knows what he is doing recruiting wise. After all, he did bring us Pac-Man Jones, and Chris Henry. This year will be bad, but better. they will throw a bunch of new guys to the fire, like last year, and make a huge step forward next year. On behalf of Big Ten fans everywhere, we’ll take it.

1. Tennessee: The clear cut winner here. This much can’t be disputed. The Vols’ went from having a coach who looks like the guy broke down on the side of a highway with a van full of retarded kids, to Lane Kiffin. Lane, has a cool name, is good looking, and has already been screwed over by being forced to draft shitty SEC players he didn’t want. Not only does he have an axe to grind, he nailed down (in more ways than one) the hottest young recruit in all the land. His Wife! Has anyone seen this chick? http://blogs.nashvillescene.com/pitw/sp_wives_kiffin_074.jpg and here http://cache.gawker.com/assets/images/deadspin/2008/12/kiffin_wife.jpg In in that picture, she’s like nine months pregnant, and still smokin’ hot. Plus, her name is Layla for gods sakes. Hasn’t Eric Clapton taught us that Layla is the hottest name ever? No wonder lane is cheesing like a queer in a locker room shower. Hats off to Lane. You guys might suck again next year, but your wife might also, and you’re the better man for that. Now, if Lane can get his wife to take off her “Rocky Top” on national t.v. this will be the best college football season ever. I know I’ll be watchin!