Farewell T.J. God Speed

As a man who has spent his entire lifetime dedicated to the same sports teams, I take pride in the fact that I stand by my teams. When others waver, and jump from team to team depending on their success, I stand fast. When others select which team they are going to get behind, they usually go for which ever team is on top at that time, or who ever the popular choice is. I stick with the home team, through thick and thin. I’m not sure whichever one of those options is “the good one” in the whole “thick and thin” thing, but for the sake of this argument, I am going to assume thin is the bad one. For the better part of my almost 30 years, it has been thin. Bulimia thin. My Reds, enjoyed occasional success during my early years, but have been more or less dead in the water for the latter two thirds of my life. The Buckeyes, are the honor student of the teams I root for. Though they break my heart more than the others, they also enjoy the most success. The Blue Jackets, are still in the early stages of life, and I love watching them grow, but am running out of patience. I may have them tested for retardation. The saddest example of my sports teams, is the Cincinnati Bengals. Before I was old enough to notice, the Bengals were on top of the world. They lost in one of the greatest Super Bowls ever, to the niners. As I grew through the early stages of life, the still were at the top. The playoffs were to be expected from the men in the striped helmets. In one of the greatest years of my life, I was able to watch my bengals go all the way back to the Super Bowl. They gave us Boomer as the MVP. They gave us the Ickey Shuffle, and they even gave us a pre-super bowl coke scandal. Though the Bengals again lost to the niners, in again, one of the greatest games ever played, it was still a great time to be a Bengals fan. It’s pretty much common knowledge throughout the universe, that Lee Johnson’s record 63 yard punt, was the greatest play in sports history. Oh, those were happy times my friend. But with the rare glimmer of hope in 2005, it has been one big shit storm ever since. Being a Bengals fan my entire life, I don’t ask for much, and rarely am I surprised. For a second there, I thought we had a chance to put together a good team. We had a superstar QB, a receiving corp, as good as any, a Pro-Bowl franchise record setting running back (whom I named a dog after) and what was considered the best offensive line in the game. Well, lets check back in on those guys now. That line is pretty well gone. The stars have either retired, moved on, or decided to suck at blocking and what not. The running back saw limited playing time on the worst football team ever in the Detroit Lions last season. The receivers are being torn apart as we speak, and I’m pretty certain carson Palmer is looking into going back to get his masters degree, in just about anything. There’s no way in hell that dude wants to keep playing in cincy. The big question for my Bengals this offseason was what t do with T.J. Houshmandzadeh, as he was going into free agency. Over the past 3 years, he’s caught more passes than just about anyone, despite playing an entire season with a QB, and is pretty much our best player. You got to sign the dude right? Well, after pretty much saying he would sign with the first team that offered, and with Chad Johnson slowly fading away, we had to figure the Bengals would put the franchise tag on T.J. Right? In typical Bengals fashion, they have defied all logic, and opted to apply the franchise tag to our kicker. So long T.J. I will be rooting for what ever team you sign with, until I decide what to do about the situation in Cincinnati. Spare me the economic reasons behind this move, or shayne grahams field goal percentage. Why? How? What the Fuck? A kicker? I know he makes most of the field goals, but so does every other kicker on the planet. It’s not like he’s money at anything inside of 80 yards, which we will need to do since we will no longer be able to run, or pass. The difference between the field goal percentage of the best, and worst kickers in the league, is like 5 or 6 kicks. Does anyone think 5 to 6 more field goals is gonna send this team to the playoffs? Poor Mike Brown. Despite growing up the son of one of the true football Gods, he managed to get all he knows about the game from his mother. You have to think the other NFL owners get all excited as soon as the Bengals get a solid young player. They have to know we’ll find a way to screw it up, and let him get away. Add one for to that list. Why would we want to keep our best player not named Carson around? Why would we want to keep the only guy he feels safe throwing it too? No possible logic can explain this move. Despite being one of the teams with the most money to spend this offseason, we’ve decided to play it safe, just in case the economy gets real bad. Did we invest our 2009-2010 salary cap money with bernie madoff? I figure the only reason anything like this could happen, when you consider all the factors involved, is well outside the box. With this in mind, I’ve came up with a reason why we would pin all our hopes on no running game, no line, and a disgruntled Ocho Cinco. Chaos. It’s the only thing that makes sense at this point. It’s really quite simple when you break it down. T.J. was good, too good. He gave us a shot at winning. Winning means the playoffs, which means someone inside the Bengals front office has to order extra beer, hot dogs, and staffers for a playoff game. We need to avoid that extra work completely, because it might cost money. Getting him out of town will eliminate any hope amongst the fans, which will also take the heat off the coahing staff, and the owner. When the Bengals suck really bad, we can just blame the coach. If we suck bad enough, nobody will think that the problems could be fixed by doing something crazy like hiring a G.M. Thats something the other 31 teams do every year, and it only works for one of them, on any given year. G.M.’s also cost money. With no G.M., and no star receiver, we have extra money for things like the usual 20 or so people we have to add to our roster throughout the season, since the original shitty 22 players we have all get hurt. Why wouldn’t we get rid of T.J. when all we have left is an aging, senile Ocho Cinco, and Chris Henry? 
With Housh’ out of the way, and Dallas’ locker room situation on the brink of collapse, the best situation for everyone, is right in front of our eyes. We trade for Terrell Owens. It’s so obvious. With T.o lined up across the field from an already disgruntled Ocho Cinco, and Carson Palmer with a bum elbow, no running game, and a J.V. offensive line, it’s going to be history in the making. Throw in the fact that Chris Henry is waaaay overdue for getting arrested, this could be the greatest season in Bengals history. Just sit back and wait for Palmer to blow out his arm, since he will have to pass 52 times a game for us to have a chance. I figure about week 4 Palmers arm will be shot, or he will have been sacked to death, and the greatest show on earth can begin. Take all available t.v. cameras, and keep them on the Bengals 24/7. Throw T.O. and Ocho into the worst situation this side of Detroit, and it’ll be sheer magic. Imagine the possibilities. One of them might actually shoot a coach on the sideline. Every press conference will have tears, and nary a t.v. timeout will pass without a meltdown. I missed my dream of Bill Cowher and Beanie Wells saving my Bengals, but this will be sooo much sweeter. By the time the bye week rolls around, Chris Henry might actually rape a fan, during a game. Plus, Pac Man is back on the market, just in case it gets a little boring on the way to another 4 win season, we could just put those two together for old times sake. If there is any just God in this world, the bengals will add Terrell Owens. Though the Bengals will still suck, they will be by far the most intriguing show in all of sports.