Screwed again

Just when I think it’s safe for me to root for a sports team, fate screws me over, yet again. I thought I had left my sports curse back in ‘08, but the hits just keep coming. First, my Bucks suffered from some shady officiating, and from best QB in the country, out to prove something. Then, the NFL team I had hitched my wagon to, the Titans, went down hard to the hated Ravens. One bad call looms large on that one, as well as ill-timed turnovers. The one bright spot so far this year, has been another hot streak from the Blue Jackets, and some stellar rookie’s. Our first rd pick, fresh from a call up from his stint with team russia, busted out a hat trick. He looks like a cross between harry potter, and Katie Holmes, except not married to a crazy dude, and awesome at hockey. The real star has been Rookie Goaltender Steve Mason. This dude has been hands down, the best goalie in hockey. Because of him, the Jackets are actually in playoff contention. Sure, they will get wiped out in the first rd. by either Detroit or San Jose, if they do make it, but I’ll take what I can get. Without him, they would be without a doubt the worst team in the NHL, cause they still kinda suck. He has the best goals against average, the most saves, and the most shut-outs in the NHL, let alone the western confrence. He is not only a lock for rookie of the year, but he’s in good position to be the best goalie at seasons end. Well, the NHL just listed it’s all star roster, and not that anyone would watch anyway, but Mason got shafted. Not a fan selection, not even an alternate. Best goalie in the league, leading every stat category, and he got screwed. So it looks like as we move away from ffotball season, and into the “taint” of the sporting year, between football, and baseball, more heartbreak is in store for me. This does come with a little silver lining however. A reason to talk about hockey for one, and a reason to segway that into the firt WWYRB of 2009!

The Sean Avery edition of Who Would You Rather Bang!

For those who don’t know, Sean Avery is the T.O. of Hockey, or maybe even the John Rocker. He has great stats, has been a popular player, and a high payed asshole. Pretty much all of his teamates have hated him, even when he’s at the top of his game. Every team that gets rid of him, has been better once he was gone. Like T.O. and Rocker, he has the best sound bites. He recently turned what was the start to a dissapointing first year in Dallas, into an indefinite suspension, followed by his release from Dallas. Sound familiar? He didn’t call out any teamates like T.O., but he went just a step farther. Avery, being a huge deal in Canada, used to be able to pick and choose which hockey loving canadian celebs he could bang. So anywho, on a road trip earlier this year, Avery called the reporters to his locker, where he made a refference about how it is becoming popular to date his “sloppy seconds”. He said this in reference about 24, and Old School hottie Elish Cuthbert, who used to date Avery, and now dates Dion Phaneuf, who was set to play against Avery that night. Another player in the NHL is also dating one of Avery’s “seconds” Rachel Hunter, former super model. So in honor of Sean Avery, I bring you, the Sean Avery, Sloppy Seconds edition of WWYRB?

Rachel Hunter aka ‘Stacey’s Mom’, aka the chic who used to bang Rod Stewart. Rachel, was one of the first true “supermodels”, and it’s not hard to see why. http://www.freeadultarchives.com/ck/fhg/v1/rachel_hunter/pic/pic_15.jpg Since her Sports Illustrated days, she has gotten older, but hasn’t lost a step http://www.slutceleb.com/8/Rachel_Hunter_Naked_mar08/arles_gallery/images/20.jpg She even did a spread for playboy, so this gives her an edge. http://www.celebs-hookers.com/Rachel_Hunter/Rachel_Hunter15.jpg Though she may be a little on the old side, she has embraced the role of the cougar http://www.celebsking.com/comics/rachel-hunter/rachel-hunter_06.jpg and isn’t affraid to go boating topless, which is a huge plus in this uncertain economy. http://www.millioncelebs.com/mrskin/rachel-hunter/rachel-hunter-12.jpg   

Elisha Cuthbert first gained fame for her role on 24 http://www.celebritiesxposed.com/images/cuthbert207a.jpg Once the FOX execs ran out of ways for her to get kidnapped, she was let go, and went into the movie business. http://www.celebritiesxposed.com/images/cuthbert207a.jpg The girl next door, also had some rockin photo shoots http://www.celebskin.net/i2/elisha-cuthbert/elisha-cuthbert-02.jpg She is a whole lot younger than her opponent, but, doesn’t seem to have many nude scenes, and was once actually attacked by a cougar. Irony is sweet. But, so are celebrity thong pics http://www.slutceleb.com/5/Elischa_cuthbert_in_girl_next_door/images/2.jpg and celebrity side boob http://www.slutceleb.com/5/Elischa_cuthbert_in_girl_next_door/images/3.jpg

Good luck to all the voters, and please, don’t just vote, explain your choice.

We’ve almost got it!

So the blogging has been a little weak of late, and for that I apologize. My wife has been out of town for work since sunday, and the time, and energy to blog has just not been there. My 9 month old son Dylan and I, have been living it up. We had a little help from Grandpa for a few days, but as we enter the home stretch of operation daddy dayvare part 2, we’re on our own. The house has not burned down, I did not leave him at a bar, and I have not filmed any crazy videos of him riding around the neighborhodd on the dog. We have had a pretty killer time though. Monday night, he went to bed with OSU up 3 to nothing, so we’re just pretending that’s how it ended. He’s still a fragile little Buckeye fan, and I don’t want him to have to experience the agony that goes along with that until he’s at least 3.

The new years diet had to get put on hold while my wife is gone. How can a guy diet when nobody is there to hold him to it? Plus, with the economy in the shitter, I feel it’s my civic duty support the local Bars, Barbeque joints, and deep dish pizza places. And, since my wife will have ate out, or had catered meals for a week, she’s not gonna want to go out to eat for about a month. Although tonight I did eat at home, leftover BBQ, and bourbon, so that counts as a home cooked meal. The little guy has also been having a pretty good time as well. Each day his crawling skills have gotten better, and better. He’s picking up speed, and getting braver and more curious. He’s started to follow you down the hallway, and peaking around corners. His new favorite sport is called, ruin the dogs life. It’s a simple game. He yanks on the dogs ears, or tail, until rudi gets up and flees, and then he follows the idiot to where ever he tries to hide, and does it all over again. This goes on until he shits himself, or it’s nap time. Sometimes they both come at the same time. Rudi, tries to make peace, and offers him his dog bone. It’s cute, but disgusting. Dylan is also starting to pull himself up, and walk around holding onto things. With this comes a lot of falling down, and he’s getting very good at that. He’d make a great drunk high school chick. The highlight of the week, was today when he went back to daycare. When I walked in he saw me, and did his usual hand clapping thing, and smiled. He’s done this a lot of times when he first sees me walk in to pick him up, but today, after some clapping, he started hauling ass over to greet me. When he really gets going, he’s like a mix between a seal, and a paddleboat. His arms pretty much just flap around in circles, smacking the ground, while the back end does all the work. Having your son crawl over to greet you after a long, shitty day at work, is flat out awesome. The other highlight, was the other day when I was feeding him a bottle on my lap, he puked, and I caught all of it in my hand. It was disgusting, but impressive. All those years of binge drinking finally served a purpose.

So as tomorow brings the conclusion to my role as a single parent, I may get a full nights rest, and maybe even get to sleep in on saturday. Once rested, the consistent blogging will return, with my Bowl season recap, more new stories about me soiling myself, and a new round of WWYRB.

God speed everyone.

The SEC Drinking game

On a quick side note: Earlier in the week, they replayed the 2002 Fiesta Bowl, between Miami, and OSU for all the marbles. I of course watched, longing for the glory days, back when Tress was “a big game coach”. I had all but forgotten not only how many NFL starters played in that game, for both OSU, and even more from the caines. That Miami defense was nuts. I think anyone who wants to call this years USC defense the best ever, may just want to wait a few years, and see how they compare to the Miami squad at the turn of the millenium. Even more compelling, was the commentary by my favorite color man, Dan Fouts. He of course added fuel to the fire on that late pass interference call that gave OSU new life, by saying “Bad call!” With the two crappy, out of focus, and off the screen replays ABC used during the broadcast, it was hard to see why a flag should have been thrown. Of course, anyone with a DVD of the game, can pause and zoom, or look at any of the 900 still photos, and see it was blatent pass interference. The dude completely wrapped up gamble, limiting his vertical to about 4 inches, while the ball was still midflight. Nobody can dispute that. What stood out the most though, proving Dan Fouts is the smartest man alive, was his in game assesment of a few of the more infamous players in that game. On multiple occasions, he used words like “smart” and “good decision maker” to describe Sean Taylor, Kellen Winslow Jr, and Maurice Clarrett. On more than one occasion, he called winslow, and Clarrett, “mature beyond their years”. Oh how right was he? It’s been nothing but sunshine, and good decisions for those two. I think Dan Fouts might just have the best character judging skills of all time.

As the Bowl season winds down, we’re running out fo game sto watch. We only have one more game with an SEC team in it, and this makes me sad. Personally, I feel that the SEC is way over-rated, and hard to watch. How an entire confrence can go several years without having more than one good QB at a time, and still be considered by many to be the best in the game is beyond me. Despite the total lack of offense from almost all of their teams, the SEC has given us what might be one of the best interactive experiences in all of sports. I call it the SEC drinking game. It’s really pretty simple. What you do, is get a whole bunch of beer. You can play with liquor if you like, but you’ll regret it by the end of the 1st quarter. Just take your beer, and once the game starts, you start drinking. Drink at your own leisure, but when they show a shot of the crowd, you have to chug, until they pan away. Keep drinking, until you see a black person in the stands, who is not a players parent, or someone working at the stadium. It’s fantastic. You’ll be blacked out by halftime. When Georgia, and Mississippi go at it, you might as well be watching a clan rally. You’ll either pass out, or run out of beer long before the game is over. Now the game coming up is a bowl game, so there might actually be a minority on the stands. Not likely, but there’s still a chance. I know this thursday, I’ll be tuned in with at least a 12 pack. Will I see my first black SEC fan at a game this season, before the beer runs out? Find out friday. Also, I will send a 12 pack of delicious Pabst Blue Ribbon beer to anyone who can send me a screenshot of a black person (not a security guard, cop, band member, or players parent) in the stands at an SEC game. If it’s of Soloman Wilcotts on the sideline, I’ll count it for a six pack.

Did they at least leave cash on the nightstand?

Well, that was that. Game over. I said it would take 24 points to win it, that’s what it took. Am I the only one who goes to bed tonight with a sore bunghole? Illegal use of the helmet, on hitting the queer Texas QB under the shoulder pad? Moments after they called another free Texas first down after an OSU player accidentally touched his helmet. Is his dome cover made out of egg shells? Offsetting pass interference calls, means one team loses two points, the other gets a second chance? Thats like saying mutual rape is on person bleeding from the butthole, while the other gets to lube up and go back at it. On the last “first down”. The ref 4 feet away spots it a foot short, but the spot is called by the guy on the far sideline. makes sense. Either way congrats to Texas. They made great plays, in what turned out to be a game for the ages. Once again Colt McCoy showed why he should have won the Heisman, and Texas should be i the title game. Once again OSU’s coaches decided to make it an even playing field, by cancelling out greater talent with horrible play calling, and strategy. Is OSU the only team to not call several plays at once, or just the base defense, when the other team goes no huddle. Have our coaches not watched any games before the ‘88 Bengals? What the hell was that about. How long does it take to get first rd. draft pick corners, and linebackers, to be exhausted, when you line them up 10 yards off of someone, make them sprint to make the tackle, and then back to the huddle, and then back into position? I say let shitty MAC schools take our D- Coordinators. Use a hobo, or any High School coach in their place. That was a joke. Oh well. OSU outplayed their skeptics, but anyone who has watched 3 football games just saw the better team lose. Am I the only one who foresaw Boekman getting sacked when he went in on “2nd” down. Way to call plays fuckers. Apparently OSU uses the original Techmo Bowl playcalling method. As long as your opponent doesn’t call the one of the four plays you called, you’re golden.

Oh well. i say good for Colt McCoy. The dude stepped up. Did anyone else see the piece of tail sitting next to this mom and dad? Good for him. I hope he gets all he can out of that, right up to the point where the little Texas whore realizes she married a has-been with no chance at the NFL. About 9 minutes after she realizes his days of being “the horns” QB, are long gone. He has no chance in the NFL at 5′ 11″ and bug-eyed. He starts to grow a beer gut as an un-successful insurance salesman, and she realizes the ‘hook-em’ tatoo she got on her left tit when she was ripe, tight, and 20, now looks like it’s a HAZ-MAT warning symbol, and they both end up on an episode of cops. Either way, congrats to the Horns, the refs, and the buckeye doubters. To all of you, I say with out reservations. I hope you all die, and O-H!

One last chance

Tonight, my Buckeyes will get one last shot at a top ranked team. The past few years, have taken Jim Tressell from the coach who always wins the big games, to a turd. Texas, may just be the best team in all of college football, so it’s no small task. Texas was the only team to beat Oklahoma, who is in the championship game. This could be the motivation the longhorns use to pile up the points on my Buckeyes. With lopsided losses in the last two BCS title games, and losses to USC, and Penn State this year, the Buckeyes need to prove something tonight, against a high scoring opponent. Looking at this game on paper, nobody is going to give OSU a shot, and maybe rightfully so. However, when you break a few things down, the playing firld starts to level itself out a little. Ohio State has a pretty sizeable advantage of skill, and experience, at almost every position. Except for a few key spots. Offensive/Defensive line, and Quarterback. More times than not, these positions mean everything for who wins the big game. At Quarterback, OSU has a true freshman, Texas has a seasoned veteran, who should have won a Heisman. Texas has a big, yet kinda mobile O-line, Ohio State only gets a pass rush, when they blitz. Texas has the best pass rusher in college football, Ohio State’s tackles couldn’t stop a case of crabs with a bag of Bic razor’s. It does not look good for the Buckeyes, but I still have hope. As big of a turd as Tressell has been the last few years, from a game plan perspective, Mck Brown has spent the better part of his career falling well short of expectations. Tressell has lost a national championship game to a far less talented team, and once to a coach who may be legally retarded. But I still have hope. Mack Brown, would be between jobs right now, if it were not for Vince Young, and Colt McCoy is no Vince Young. The Buckeyes, if they play smart, can win this one. The question is, can they play smart? Texas has scored a ton of points, on a some ranked teams, but the bowls so far have shown those same Big-12 South teams, play absolutely no defense at all. This could work to Ohio States advantage. The OSU defense, will be far and away the best Texas has seen. The problem is, the Texas offense will be far and away the best OSU has seen. So instead of making some crazy predictions, or telling everyone to bet money on one team or the other, I’m gonna break it down to what OSU needs to do to win this game. It’s pretty simple, just 5, basic things, and they will definitely beat Texas.

1. Slow the game down on offense. Use up the play clock, and take as much time as possible between snaps when it is tied, or the Buckeyes have the lead. Keep Colt McCoy off the field, as long as possible. Texas has a speed based D-line, so wearing them out is a huge advantage for the Buckeyes. Keeping those defensive ends on the field, will take the heat off of Terrell Pryor, and prevent this game from becoming a shootout.

2. Get off the field on 3rd down on defense. OSU can’t afford to give Texas too many long drives. The Ohio State defensive advantage will slowly fade away, if Texas starts putting together a lot of long drives. When OSU gets a 3rd and long, they have to get the stop.

3. No stupid plays. Dropped passes, turnovers, and penalties killed any chance OSU had in their last bowl game, and against USC. Take away a few stupid plays, and the game could have ended a whole differently.

4. Score first. Even though OSU has scored first in the past two BCS debacles, Texas is a different team. Texas is a lot like this years USC, and Florida teams. When the game is tied, or they are behind, they can’t afford to give up any big plays, and play a safe gameplan. When they get up, they pin their ears back, and go after people, knowing that even if someone breaks a big play, they still will have a lead, or at the least a tie. Texas is the same way, they can get pass pressure without blitzing, but if they have a lead, and can afford to send a few extra guys, it’s game over.

5. Kill Colt McCoy. This is without a doubt the biggest key to the game for OSU. I recommend either some type of sniper, or kidnapping plot. Take him down, and it’s a surefire OSU victory, and we can all get down to what really matters. Discussing how OSU will blow it next season.

Everything has changed

For the last 9 months, my wife and I have been the prod parents of an awesome, playfull, and adorable little boy. For 9 months we learned on the fly, what it took to be parents, and we a re still learning. Lucky for us, he has been a very cooperative baby boy. Now, everything has changed. He is on the move. Before you could lay him down, or sit him down to play with his toys, and he would remain there, happy, and content. Then it started. Some time back, he began reaching for things. Then, it escalated to rolling, and sliding, and trying to pull things to where he wanted them. Then he learned to scoot backwards. He figured out how to pivot, or crawl short distances in front of him. For some dumbassed reason, we tried to teach him to crawl. Big mistake. Now, he is not only crawling surprisingly fast, but he is able to pull himself up, and walk when he holds onto things. Nothing is safe. The dog has barely slept the last week, since he is under constant attack. Rudi has been a good sport about all of this, he now has a new friend to play with. the problem there, is he thinks it’s fun to share his chew toys with the baby. The tug-of-war matches between the two of them, are surprisingly even matched. The days of watching him with less than our A games are gone. It’s solid man to man defense from here on out. Gone is the soft zone parents of stationary babies can enjoy. No more prevent defense for us. It all started Christmas morning. He just decided to crawl from mommy to daddy. A distance of about 6 feet, but impressive still. He had some tutoring from his Grandpa (who will no longer be getting gifts from us) earlier that morning, and his progress has escalated every day since. Now, he can go anywhere he wants to. If it’s not put away, or blocked off, he’s going after it. The dog’s food had to be moved, and since Rudi is kind of retarded, will now starve to death, since his bowl is in a section of the house he doesn’t hang out in. After almost a full day of no food or drink, we tried to force rudi to the basement where his food is. Now, he thinks it’s a trap, and wants nothing to do with it. The toilet seat is still up, so he should make it a good week or so. As excited as we were at the prospect of the D man learning to crawl, and watch him roam around, reality is hitting me fast. In a couple of days, mommy goes out of town for a work trip, and I’m home alone with a fully mobile little boy. A boy who seems to no longer have time to sleep, as the entire world is there for him to explore/try to put into his mouth. i may put about 12 coats of wax on the floor after my wife leaves, just to get him to stay in one spot. I figure if he peels out for an hour or so, he’ll give up and go back to sitting still.

Happy New Year!

What a difference a year makes. In the past, New Years Eve was a night of debauchery, that more times than not ended closer to sun-up then sun-down. This uyear, it was a struggle to make it all the way til midnight, but I pulled through. With the help of coffee, energy drinks mixed with liquor, and random alcho-beverages, I was able to stay awake all the way to the midnight hour. Maybe it’s because I had worked all week, getting up early everday. Maybe it was the fact that I never actually slept in over Christmas, or maybe it was knowing that my 9 month old son would be getting up before the sun, but last night ranked lame on the party scale for me. I did have a great evening though. Spent some time with my family, had a few drinks, put the boy to bed, and then the wife and I disposed of some of our forgotten champaigne stash. My wife and I enjoyed eachothers company, some peace and quiet, and then made our resolutions. Here are mine, as I remember them.

I am going to try and watch more sports this year.

I’m going to put up with any more of my wife’s crap.

I’ll drink more booze this year.

I’ll do less housework

I’ll let the stupid fuckers of the world know how I feel about them

Now, here are my resolutions, according to her memory.

I’ll help out more around the house.

I’ll take my wife to see more of the Arts.

I’ll be more tolerant of stupid fuckers, and the things they do to piss me off.

I’ll loose weight?

No more tobacco.

Some of this does not sound like things I would say, unless of course i was trying to score, in which case it’s every man for himself. So instead of trusting her to tell me what I said, I think I have a better solution. Continue the status quo for the next year, it’s worked fine so far. Next year, I will have a personal assistant, who can right these things down for me, and end any confusion. I will begin interviewing possible candidates for this position in the coming weeks. I’m looking for someone with no actual skills, and a need for very little pay, if any. I’m thinking someone who will work for beer, and huniliation, and be willing to sleep in a tent in my backyard. The candidate will need to be able to go on beer runs, bring me up to speed on any sporting events I have missed, and go to meetings in my place. Being a hot chick would be a bonus as well, but I am willing to settle for a dude who is willing to do my chores instead. So if anyone out there is interested, let me know. For the rest of you. Happy New Year!