Mt. Rushmore

ESPN, in all of their creative glory, struggles to go more than a few months without some gay interactive fan contest. They had “Titletown USA”, “Who’s more Now?” and ”The Next” for just about everything. They keep coming at us with these wonderfull contests, that no doubt intrigue the entire nation. I remember not being able to sleep at night, because I couldn’t wait to see who was more “Now”. Tiger Woods, or Michelle Wie? I was stunned when Tiger won, but not as stunned as I was when Lebron James beat out that semi hot softball pitcher, who’s name nobody remembers. Now, ESPN has what could be the best contest of all. The state by state sports Mount Rushmore. *th grade boys everywhere are rushing to the bus stop to debate who the 4 most important sports figures in their state are. Businesses are closing until this debate is over, and the winner is announced. Whenever I see a contest on ESPN.com, I click on it, just so I can imagine how long it took them to come up with such an amazing idea. The rules on this one are kinda vague. I guess it’s any 4 people from one state, whether they were born there, or played there, it doesn’t specify, at least not in the two sentences I read. Then, once each state has voted on their Mt. Rushmore, the entire nation will vote on which state is the best. I’m guessing whichever state has the most votes in their own decision process wins it all, and the glory from that is un-imagineable. I doubt too many people from Oklahoma, are going to vote for Texas’ Mt. Rushmore. It’s good to see ESPN is providing their legions of sports nuts with yet one more reason to not interact socially, so they can go on message boards, talk trash, and not get laid. As gay as this is, I’ve decided that this website needs to take part as well. Instead of a Mt. Rushmore of great players, I want to see which state has provided the best ensemble of sports fuck-ups. Being a Buckeye stater, I’m going to focus my attention on not the worst athletes from Ohio, but the four who have soiled their reputation the most. Feel free to help out with Ohio’s, or even do your own states, or any other’s.

Ohio’s Mt. Rushmore of sports shame:

1. Roger Clemens. Like most hardcore native Texans, Roger is actually from Dayton OH. Nothing says “Lone star state” like the 2nd biggest metropolis in western Ohio. To his credit, he has lived the bulk of his life in Texas, as well as Boston, New York, and Toronto. An Actual Texan I used to work with had an old saying, about Texans who were not born in Texas. “If a cat has kittens in an oven, that don’t make ‘em biscuits.” Roger is a Buckeye. As recently as a year and a half ago, Roger was considered in the discussion for the greatest pitcher of all time. From his early days, he was better than most. He dominated from the get go, seemed to be close to retired, and then “magically” became dominant again, late in his career. It was as if he had some kind of magic potion. With the release of the Mitchell report, news of Rogers rampant steroid, and HGH use kinda clouded his reputation. Instead of admitting guilt, claiming it was only during one isolated season, and saving his reputation, and his chances at the hall of fame, Roger went a different rout. After waiting a week to say anything, he sued anyone who said anything bad about him, released a taped conversation that made him look more guilty, and then the flood gates opened. He got dragged in front of a congressional investigation, did the worst job of lying ever, and had his whole life torn apart, all on live television. His marriage was destroyed when he tried to blame his wife, and when news of his affair with a then 15 year old budding country music singer. Roger went from “best ever” to social outcast in just over a year. The guy who was once considered to be the only guy with a chnce to get elected into the hall of fame with 100% of the votes, can’t even get Jose canseco to call him back.

2. Pete Rose. Born in Cincy, and the face of the Reds, pete is Ohio through and through. Baseball’s all time hit leader, a rookie of the year, MVP, All-star, and World series champ. Pete’s career is unmatched by anyone in the game. Charlie Hustle, was yet another lock for the hall of fame, and then, the whole gambling thing. Pete was pretty much busted, then he cut a deal with a comissioner who was about to die, and the whole thing went to shit. the next year saw him get a lifetime ban from all things baseball, and a stay in prison. Instead of admitting guilt, and slowly earning back his reputation, Pete also went aa different route. Either he is borderline retarded, or has been under the guidance of the worst public relations firm ever for the last 20 years. Either way, every 5 years or so since his news of his gambling came out, Pete finds a way to alienate even more of his supporters. Pete has since admitte some guilt in his book, but his shot at redemption is pretty well gone. He still gambles, and still blames everyone but himself. Baseballs hit king will be in the hall of fame, right about the time John Rocker gets in.

3. Maurice Clarrett. He has the smallest body of work on the field, but he has fallen farther than almost anyone else. Maurice was a kid almost all Ohio State fans knew of, well before he stepped on the field. “That kid that’s coming in next year” was a legend in northern Ohio. He was the AP High School Offensive player of the year as a High School senior. An honor shared by other fallen stars like Michael Vick, and Some day Jimmy Clausen. He enrolled early, made a big impact in spring ball, and summer drills, and was MVP of the Kickoff classic in his very first game. Steamrolling over a Big-12 defense in his first game as a collegiate. He had some ups and downs as a frosh. Some fumbles, some crying fits, and some injuries, were a glimpse of things to come. Despite his extra drama, the Buckeyes would not have won a national title without Maurice. He single handedly put his teamates on his back, as he plowed over, and ran around the Pac-10 champion Washington State team early in the season. In the Fiesta Bowl/BCS title game, he saved OSU’s chances after a horrible interception at the goaline by Craig Krenzel, (despite the fact that 3 other guys were uncovered) Maurice ran down all american, future Pro-Bowler, and fellow fallen athlete Sean Taylor, caught him from behind, and ripped the ball away. In a game where yards were hard to come by, he slowly beat down a defense that consisted of 11 future NFL starters, (several of which made Pro Bowls) and scored the winning TD. That singular moment was the top of the hill for Maurice. A few minor run-ins with the law, violations of team roles, and an ESPN the magezine story where they pictured him throwing away his OSU jersey, damaged his popularity. Then came a team suspension. Details were shady at best, so fans had to consider going half the season without Maurice. Then it turned into a full season NCAA suspension, and OSU had no running game. Next, under the wise guidance of fellow fallen star athlete/convicted fellon Jim Brown, he decided to challenge the NFL, and go pro after only 2 years removed from High School. He won a court case, but then lost an appeal, sending him to no-mans land for another whole year. Another ESPN the magezine story about Clarett, his extra cash, his fake job, his free cars, and his off-campus housing, almost toppled OSU’s football program. As that blew over, he was drafted out of shape by the Bronco’s, and was known to bring a water bottle full of vodka to practices. He was cut, and had no way to pay back the Israeli mafia, who had been supporting him for the previous year, and he feared for his life. The spiral was almost complete. While awaiting trial for armed robbery from a  new years eve mugging, Maurice was the star role in a high speed chase, up and down the Columbus freeway system. He was finally arrested in a Tee Jayes country cookin’ parking lot, drunk, heavilly armed, and wearing body armor. Maurice is now midway through his prison sentence, where he is in no doubt  training for his next career move, 50 Cent’s stunt double.

4. Art Schlichter: The George Washington of Fallen Ohio Athletes. Depending on which software you use, Art’s name may actually be a synonym for ‘train wreck, tire fire, and lost cause’. Art was another schoolboy star, who was going to win coach Woody Hayes 3 national titles. He was the original Ron Pawlus. Though he had impressive numbers in college, he never lived up to the hype. Art played for Woody at a time when freshman never played, and yet started at quarterback as a true freshman. He started all four years, and finished in the top ten in Heisman voting three staright years. is last game as a Buckeye, was the game coach hayes punched a Clemson player. That should have been the sign. He was the 4th overall pick of the Baltimore colts, who were too busy looking for real estate in Indianapolis, to be doing background checks. Through pretty much Arts entire career at OSU he was spotted at the horse track, betting, with a well know bookie usually at his side. Before his rookie season even started, he had lost his entire signing bonus on gambling, and was loaned money by teamates, owners, and the mob. He was caught charting scoring lines during a game, when he was supposed to be sending in signals to the starting QB. After he owed the mob more money than he could ever make playing football, he was forced to choose between throwing games, turning himself in, or getting killed. He turned himself into the feds, and was suspended from the NFL indefinitely. They decided to let him back in the league, but didn’t last long. He was rumored to be gambling on NFL games again. After getting caught in the locker room, on the phone with a bookie, trying to change his bet to be against the Colts, after he found out a few of his teamates weren’t going to be able to play. He was kicked out of the NFL…again, but the fun was not over yet. He did manage to actually have a decent 3 years in arena football, winning titles in detroit, and going almost a full year without getting arrested in Cincinnati. He did relapse, and was arrested a few more times, before finally going to big boy Prison. As he was nearing a possible release, he was caught calling in bets from the Prison pay phone. When you are in Prison for running illegal gambling operations, check fraud, and telling lies to the IRS, that is a no-no. Art is considered by some to be the biggest NFL draft bust ever. He’s in the discussion with some pretty awesome folks on that one. Art, lives with his mom in Ohio yet again. He does get some credit for speaking out against gambling, and even started an organization to help other’s with the same problem. Nonetheless, he is broke, busted, and lives with his mom, in the middle of nowhere Ohio. Wahington Court House Ohio, could very well be the hall-of-fame for fallen Buckeye state athletes.

Now, this may not be the best foursome of shitty-Ohio athletes, but it’s up there. I am leaving off wife beaters and felons like Jim Brown. Total nutjobs like Alonzo Spellman. Or, complete losers like David Boston, and Tremain Mack. We can’t forget about Charles Woodson, or Desmond Howard, those guys are just shit sprinkles. So let me know who you think is better suited for this Mt. Rushmore, and why. Or, if you have a state that can top this one’s (I highly doubt it) give it a shot. I’d love to see it. If you can top this one, there will be a six pack of delicious Pabst Blue Ribbon beer, with your name on it. O!-H!