Proud To Be An American

Today marks one of the most monumental days in American history. It’s a day that many said would never happen. A day, some look at with dispare, and others with true American pride. For generations, many have sacrificed everything, to make this day possible. Countless Americans have given their lives, so we can eexperience this monumental event. What event is that you ask? In Washington D.C.  on January 20th 2009, we have gathered the most portable shitters ever, for one single day event. I tear up at the thought, of endless rows of blue, green, yellow, and even red, chemical toilets, lined up in formation. Never in my life have I been so proud, and so thankfull to be alive. Estimates have the number of portable shitters at well over 5,000 spread out over the innauguration parade route. I think back to all the times I stood  in line, dangerously close to pissing myself, because of the inadequate ammount of portable shitters. I think of the times I pondered whether my piss would be the piss that finally caused it to overflow. How many ‘tall boys’ of Coors light could fit in the well of 5000 chemical toilet’s you ask? Nobody knows, but god willing we will see today. This is truly a remarkable day. The history books can try, but never will they be able to grasp the true importance of this many chemical shitters in one place. It’s like the Indy 500, the Daytona 500, and the Ohio State vs. Michigan wrapped up in one, with the kentucky derby going on in the background. I hope those of you that aren’t able to be in washington to use on of these shitters, is able to see someone in line for one on t.v. Or, at the very least, I hope you are able to swing by a construction sight, and use one of the portable toilets they have there.

Of course, there is the matter of the innauguration. It’s truly an historic day, no matter what your political beliefs are. Though my guy did not win, I support our new leader. If you are of the generation I am, it is nice to have one positive moment, of this magnitude. Any innauguration is an historic moment, of great importance, and should be looked uppon with great awe. This one, is special. This is a day our grandchildren will ask us about. In my life, there have been too few great moments like this. Moments that will be remembered for all time. The Reds winning the world series in 1990, that dude with the fan/parachute thing crashing into the heavywieght title fight, and the birth of the McRib, just to name a few. Moments like when we beat the dirty ruskies in hockey, Eddie George winning the heisman, my 21st birthday, HD TV, and the Paris Hilton sex tape, will be talked about for ages. Most of our notable moments have been tragic however. The space shuttle blowing up, the fall of Pete Rose, and Maurice Clarrett, Laser discs, and clear pepsi. We didn’t have the moon landing, the World Wars, or the great depression like our parents, and grandparents did. We were not there for when the Reds were a dynasty, or when we nuked Japan. We missed out on a lot of real true history, so it is nice to see some happening in our day. One of the problems I have with this whole thing, is that it isn’t a national drinking holiday. Think about it. It’s being broadcast in HD. You have some people over come with joy, and others with despair about this day. Of course you also have those 5,000 plus port-o-shitters too. Why are we at work? Shouldn’t we all either be celebrating, or drowning our sorrows in a crowded bar? We do it on St. Paddy’s day, and most of us aren’t even Irish.

I do have a few final thoughts on this whole thing. It would be sweet to be able to be there in person, utilizing one of those port-o-shitters, but it does look pretty damn cold. No matter what your political belief is, this is a moment everyone should take part in. I have a bottle of Makers Mark for tonight. I am a little dissapointed about the tax money being spent on this. As it nears the 200 million dollar mark, and is over 4 times the ammount spent on either of the last 4. I have to wonder if that’s really in our best interest during this economic crisis. I also am worried about the rumor of Oprah being named ambassador to South Africa. Is that really a good idea? Didn’t she start a school in South Africa, and eventually a bunch of kids got molested or something? She would revitalize their economy, if she buys them all a car. I also have to call foul on the Mother-in-law living in the white house. Really? They say it’s to help out around the house, but isn’t the dozens of staff members we pay to do that enough? The President is supposed to set a standard for the entire nation. Letting the Mother-in-law live in the white house sends the wrong message here. Not to mention that tax dollars would just be paying for another family member, that pales in comparison to the real problem. “If it’s good enough for the President”, could soon be the motto for mother in laws every where. What if this becomes a trend? Everyones mother in law will try and live with them. I say President Obama needs to send a strong message in his first week, and put her in a home. I also am dissapointed with Tiger Woods finally giving in, and getting political. Not that he got all that political, but he avoided it entirely so far, but has finally gave in. For years he has taken shots for not being more of a public figure, or an activist for any greater cause. It’s not for everyone, to stand up, and tell the world how they feel about every thing that happens, no matter how unqualified they are. Yes, he is a role model, and can reach a lot of people, but he clearly does not want any part of it. He’s not Muhammed Ali, and that’s o.k. He can settle for just being the greatest golfer of all time. Just because someone is famous, does not mean they have to be an outspoken voice on all of society’s issues. It’s a great cause if someone that famous can stand up and let there voice be heard. However, they need to not only know what they are talking about, but they need to want to do it. Jim Brown has been outspoken about many causes in his life, and has done many great things. He also beat the living shit out of his wife, and was sent to prison for it. Pete Rose speaks out against steroids in sports, and is a degenerate gambler. Just because you are an athlete, does not make you a savior, just an athlete. Obama is a role model for young people striving for greatness, tiger is a golfer. Tigers speach looked like he was reading straight of the paper from an 8th graders book report. He’s better than that, and deserves better. Let him stick to golf, his hot assed wife, his new family, and his millions of dollars. If some day he decides to lend his voice to a greater cause, then good for him. Until then, lets get our political talks from the experts. Movie stars with GED’s and and retired athletes with a mean streak.