The five people you meet on the Central Ohio Highways During a Snowstorm

Today we were lucky enough to receive what has been so far, the biggest snowfall of the year. Judging from what I have to shovel off my driveway in the morning, we have at least 6 inches. Or, if you go off what I claim my penis to be, the shallowest 14 inches of snow ever. Either way you cut it, we got some snow. We here in Columbus OH, are a lucky bunch. We get to experience all 4 seasons to their fullest. Sometimes we don’t have much of a winter at all. Today was not the case. We got shit hammered with snow, and it was pretty cold too, which would make it the best snow to ski on, except we live in Ohio. Unlike places who can count on snow falling frequently in the winter, Ohio sometimes stays mild all winter long. This means we are the Tight Ends of the winter states. Not hot enough to use a sun room year round, not cold enough to convince your wife to let you buy a snow mobile. I know people who have bought cross country skis, and have never had the chance to use them at home. The downside to this is, our winter highway system sucks balls. Instead of counting on it being shitty, we kinda hope we get away with a year off from icy, or snow filled roads. This was not the case today. After spotty snowfall the past two days, we had a couple hours of heavy snowfall today. Not actual winter state heavy, but like an inch in an hour or so. In Ohio, this might as well be a blizzard. Instead of playing it smart, and saving our resources for winter road services, or subcontracting plow guys in the winter, we hire year round employees, who milk our budget by weed whacking, and painting fire hydrants every summer, and depleting our budget for things like overtime, and road salt, This means, every year, the slightest of snowstorms, that in normal states is considered a minor inconvenience, is sheer chaos in Columbus. Instead of having seasonal employees, and budget surplus’ saved up for days like today, we have to wait for the storm to pass, before we send out the plows, because paying the drivers to be year round employees, has left us in a pinch, and we need to save the money for them to pick up roadkill this summer. Since our snow clearing system is broken, and retarded, this means that after a half inch of snow in columbus, we had to declare marshal law. And with this insanity comes a unique sociological experiment, that I was able to partake in. So here are the five people you will see on a central Ohio highway on days like today.

1. Kick ass sports car guy: Often times he is alone, and on a bluetooth headset, monitoring his hair gel status, as he side swipes a telephone pole, or plummets into a ditch. Sometimes he is carrying a car full of his co-workers, who decided his rear wheel drive compensation mobile was the right choice to take to lunch on their way to hit on the waitress at Max and Ermas. He could be with his much younger than him waitress girlfriend, as he drives to buy her cigarettes. Either way, this dude is going to do something stupid, and he is going to cost you at least an hour of your time, by blocking traffic. He should be avoided, but since he is likely showing off in a fruitless attempt at actually getting laid, he is likely to pass you, going way tooo fast, so keep as much distance between yourself, and his homo-personalized license plate, and his after market brake lights.

2. The Soccer Mom: That giant SUV her husband bought her is finally paying off, and since her kids’ school got out early, ruining her spa day, she is on a mission. You will find her occupying your entire rear view mirror. You won’t be able to decipher the make of her SUV, as she is riding your ass. Your best bet is to try and look up, and see the reflection of her over-tanned cleavage, and hope she passes you, before one of her worthless soccer mom friends calls, and she gets distracted. No matter what you do, how you are driving, you are in her way. When the news announced School was letting out early, that basically deputized her to drive however she wants, and she is going to get her kids picked up, and back home in time to catch Oprah. Being a housewife who’s only purpose has been to breed, and make sure another generation of our nations children are over sugared, and have gay names, has left her feeling neglected, and restless. Today is her day to shine. She Will show up to pick up the kids, much sooner, looking way more hip that the neighbor ladies, no matter what mother nature throws at her. Your best bet is to live in a poor neighborhood, where the housewives can’t afford nice SUV’s and count on the school bus to bring the kids home. If not, avoid the school zones, or the exits to the day spas, and shopping malls. Otherwise, you’ll be rubbin’ and racin’ with manicured Ho bag driving a Denali.

3. The Scared to Death Lady: She’s the one whipping down the road at one third the speed of the other drivers with her hazard lights on. She is so worried about her survival, that all logic is tossed aside, and she decides that 20 miles per hour on the Interstate is safest way to travel. More times than not, her vehicle will be better equip-ted for road conditions like this, than yours, but this does not stop her from letting as many snowflakes land safely on her vehicle as possible, by driving barely in the double digits on the highway. Today I was fortunate to get behind this lady about 12 different times. One lady Ohio License Plate THA KID was the worst driver of all time. She ignored the fact that her brand new JEEP 4 door has 4 wheel drive, and she had her hazard lights on, while going sub-20 on the highway. Since I merged on behind her, and I have only rear wheel drive, and traffic in the other plowed lane was zooming past us at 3 times our speed, I got to see just how long it would take me to get home from work, if I only drove 20 miles per hour. On 3 different occasions, she actually managed to fish-tale, while driving straight on I-71. Apparently the salesman never showed her how to switch it to 4 Wheel drive. Your best bet for keeping her from being the main cause of your death, is to get around her using any means possible. I actually considered driving on the grass to get past her, since the semi trucks coming up behind us were travelling 40 miles per hour faster than us.

4. Redneck Guy: He’s the one blowing past everyone in the un-plowed lane of I-71 in the early 90’s ford pick up, with the monster truck tires he put on his discover card, before his “ole lady” threw him out. He has no job, and lives for days like this. He’s on his way to pick up his drinkin’ buddy, so they can slam Busch Lights, and do Donuts in empty parking lots. He had his Carhart cover-alls laying out, and waiting for this very day. He’s also hoping to make some extra cash for things like “Larry The Cable Guy ” can coolies, and MMA pay-per-views, by plowing peoples driveways.  He’s the guy you see way off in the distance, before you pull out in the intersection, only to realize he is actually going about 40 miles per hour faster than the warm weather speed limit. You’ll also find him making violent lane changes on two lane roads, trying to get past you, so he can get to the bar, or make 30 dollars by plowing the lot at TEE-JAYE’S. Your best bet is to wave a rebel flag and befriend this hillbilly, or merge to the side and let him past. At the very least, he may end up plowing a path for you, whether it be with his actual snow-plow, or with his pick-up as it skids along on it’s side.

5. The “You Mean The Roads Are Bad” Driver: This driver is either so surprised by the road conditions, that they freeze up, or panic, causing you to lose another hour of your life, or their vehicle is so ill-equipted for anything short of perfect road conditions, that once mixed with their third grade driving skills, they turn into a gasoline powered missile, destined to ruin someones day. You’ll see them spinning sideways, after trying to negotiate a simple left-hand turn, or drive up an on ramp. They are the ones who only scraped a peep-hole sized amountof snow off their windshield, just enough that they can see only what is directly in front of them, and have no idea what else is going down around them. They either have a blizzard blowing off their vehicle as they drive down the road, or go sliding through every intersection they need to stop at, so watch out. I was lucky enough to be stopped for about 10 minutes because a chick in a rear wheel drive PT Cruiser spun out going up an overpass. I can only see two reasons to buy a rear wheel drive vehicle. You need a pick-up truck for work related purposes, or you are buying a sports car that might get you laid. Why not get the smallest “cutest” car you can find, in the the rear wheel drive version. Your best bet here is to just find an alternate route. Whether it be forwards, sideways, or slamming backwards into you, this person will try to kill you, because they have no idea the roads are bad, or that their electric car is like a battery powered hockey skate on the roadways.

I hope all of you are lucky enough to meet all of these fine people, on a shitty day like today. Hopefully you will drive right past them, and not even know who they are. For some reason or another, winter weather effects Columbus driver with 8 times the severity of other par ts of the nation. Our drivers have the winter driving skills of folks in the deep south. I still think all of Ohios bad winter drivers, and plow crews should spend one week in January in Northern Michigan, or Wisconsin, or Colorado. Maybe that way days like today, will just be pretty, instead of the Armageddon we turn it into.