In the land of retards

I’ve made up my mind. Everyone I am responsible for during working hours, is retarded. There can be no other answer. I’ve wasted a lot of time ondering what can make these people do the stupid shit they do, on a daily basis. I’ve lost a pretty good ammount of hair, and allowed way too much stress to come into my otherwise wonderful life. All because I’ve failed to realize, the people working for me, are just retarded. When I take my son to day care in the morning, or when I say see ya tomorow to the kenyan dude who I buy coffee from each day, that’s the last affiliation I have with anyone smart enough fill out a Bob Evans place mat word search, until the day is done. Of course sometimes it spills over into my peace time. I get calls well after all the work should be done. Excuses why this or that did not get done, or why someone may be calling me in the morning, very pissed off. In the past I have let it get to me at times. I’ve had my share of blow ups, I’ve called people names, and threatened to very illegal things to people. All for the cause of making some cash. I’ve come to the conclusion, that there is nothing I can do about this. Stupid is, as stupid does. All I can hope for, is that they only manage to harm themselves, and not anyone else. I might buy them all some bicycle helmets to wear. Not for safety reasons, but just so the general public realizes they are retards.

The completely foolish, idiotic things they’ve done in the past, are too vast to mention. I would not know where to start, if i ever had to chronicle all of them. There once was a point, where I would write little citations, for various offenses of stupidity. After so many were accumulated in a set ammount of time, pay would be docked. This worked for a short time. I pissed off a lot of rednecks this way, received plenty of threats from under-fed, hung over hillbillies, but it seemed to work. For a week or two, they would worry about being late, or breaking something, and they seemed to walk the line. In time, they would revert back to retardation, and catch something on fire, or block rush hour traffic, because they stopped to pick up roadkill, and got stuck. The roadkill thing has actually happened, more than once. In fact, I had to have a put the fear of god into/heart to heart talk with one of our more “special” idiots, for picking up dead animals. Near our office, is a surprisingly busy 2 lane highway, that leads from the newer developments, back into the city. Around rush hour it gets surprisingly busy. One day, I received a call from the Highway patrol, about one of our vehicles “broke down” on the road. A certain dipshit who works for us had spotted a nice looking dead deer on the side of the road, and had decided to park on the side of the road, so he could cut it’s head off, throw it on his truck, and go to the first job site I had sent him to. He got stuck, bloced traffic during rush hour, and received a ticket. Him and I had a talk, and I made it quite clear, at the very least, he was to no longer stop to cut the head off of anything, on company time. Reasonable enough. Well, a few weeks ago, I got a call from the same moron, saying he needed a tow, he was again stuck. The reason he was stuck? Another sweet dead deer on the side of the road, and he had pulled off into a mud pit, and again, blocked rush hour traffic. In his defense, he remembered what i had said, and did not cut off it’s head to take with him. Just the antlers. Who could blame him? They were kinda nice, if you are in to that whole “deer antlers haphazardly cut off of a roadkill deers head with a hammer and god knows what else” thing. Times like this I question how someone like this could live to be an adult. Only in America could people this stupid survive to adulthood, and then continue to breed. Yesterday, I gave strict instructions to someone about how to operate machinery. He knows how to drive it, he does it every day. My instructions were to just pull forward, dump his load, and then back straight up. “DO NOT TURN until you are back on the parking lot” I said. It is soft and muddy, and I did not want him to do any more damage to this persons yard than what was necessary. Apparently he thought I was just telling him this, because I am an asshole. I received a call on my cell phone a few hours later. I did not know the name of the person on the line, but they were pissed. It was the neighbor, eside where my crew was working, and he apparently took issue with the Bobcat Nascar race that had just transpired in his yard. When I arrived on the scene, it was a nightmare. If someone had given me a 10 minute training lesson on how to operate a skid loader, a 12 pack of beer, and told me I had an hour to do as much damage to this yard as I could, I would not have come close to what he did. He “forgot” what I said about turning in the yard, and since he had messed the yard up, he decided the intelligent thing to do, was to start going through the neighbors yard, all the way around his garage, so he did not make the first set of tracks any worse. Why make one bad set of tire tracks, when you can make 93? Why replace a 40 foot by 5 foot path of grass, when you can replace an entire yard, and half of the neighbors? Today was relatively quiet. I was able to personally supervise everyone, most of the day. Except for that one little period of time this afternoon. Another cell phone call, this time from my crew. They were spraying on a very tar-like, black waterproofing substance on the outside of a new basement. Apparently, they “accidently” sprayed some of the neighbors siding with their spray. This time they had called me first, to let me know we “might” be getting a call from an angry homeowner. Fantastic. So my De Facto New Years resolution is simple. I’m replacing all my other resolutions, with one I truly plan on carrying out. In 2009, I am going to murder a retarded person. Oh, and get in shape too.