Wanted: Dead or just really hurt

It’s time, there’s no getting around it. Time to put out a hit on Hines Ward. The bastard has it coming. Back when the Bengals and steelers faced off in week 7, ward knocked our rookie first rd pick keith Rivers out of the game, and out of the season with a broken jaw. There was no flag thrown, and no fine issued for the crack block that ended Rivers’ season, but I know what really happened. You see, Hines ward is a popular player, on one of the league’s most popular and succesfule teams. The week before, fellow shittsburgian Troy Polabutthole said the commissionoer, and all his fines were turning the league into a panzy league. Rivers fate was sealed. There was no way ward could get a fine, not after being called out. What happened was ward cracked inside on rivers, and put his helmet, under the his, and broke his jaw. Plain and simple. If a big name QB takes a helmet to helmet, helmet to neck, or helmet to jaw, he is penalized, fined, and some times suspended. If it’s a QB, but not a popular one, it’s just a penalty, and lesser fine. If a defender does the same to a big time receiver, who sells a lot of jersey’s, he’s getting out his checkbook. A less vicious hit took out Anquan Boldin, but he was knocked out, so the little known eric smith was suspended. He was the one who hit Boldin, and even though boldin was hit from behind into smith as well, Smith was fined, and suspended. Ask yourself this. How does a young, physically fit NFL player get his jaw broke, when he is wearing a helmet? Hmmm, could it be from another players helmet hitting him in the face? No that would mean Hine’s wards hit on Rivers was illegal, and should have warranted at the very least a flag! But, Rivers isn’t that popular, and Ward is, what can we do? If your name is Roger Goodell, you do nothing, and just keep hoping a popular player doesn’t get hurt, and then finda way to suspend Bernard Pollard in the offseason, for taking out Tom Brady. Since Roger Goodell is on a journey to become the worst sports commissioner in history, I’ve decided to take matters into my own hands. I’m putting out a hit on Ward. I’ve offered up a lot of good rewards on this blog, and really the only one to be won by anyone was a stack of playboys. Tonight though, I’m offering my biggest prize to date. 2 cases of delicious Pabst Blue Ribbon beer, for whichever bengals player can take out Hines Ward. Three cases, if it ends his career. If they rip his head off and impale it on a big spear, then cut off his weiner and shove it in his mouth while parading around with the head on a stick in front of the entire crowd, while doing the Ickey shuffle, It goes to an unprecedented 4 cases of PBR. Maybe even bottles. So everyone tune in tomorow night to see the Bengals back-ups get destroyed, and hopefully the death of Hines Ward.

The author does not endorse murder for hire, unless it is to Hines Ward

People magazine really sucks. I got screwed out of the sexiest man alive thing yet again. This is bullshit really, cause it’s not even the 50 sexiest men alive, it’s like 100 and some dudes. Yet, I apparently am not one of them. I realize have put on a few pounds, kinda let myself go, but I should at least crack the top 76. In this past year I fathered a child, a lot like Brad Pitt don’t you think? I went to the beach, and guess what I did there? Took my shirt off. Kinda reminds you of that butthole Mathew Mcnowhatshisname huh? Apparently, the dude from ‘Mad Men’ made the list. His name is Jon Hamm. I ate a ton of ham this year, that makes me kinda like him. They also have some dude named Zac Efron, who is one of the high school musical queers. I’m not gay, so I can’t really compete with him. They even have some dick named Lang Lang. Since when did panda bears become sexy? They can’t even have sex on their own. David Beckham made the list. That dude can’t even play good soccer in the shitty MLS, and his voice sounds like a girl. Perhaps the only cool dude I have seen so far, is Zach from saved by the Bell. That dude was so awesome, I can’t argue with that. He pretty much saved Jessie’s life when she got all hopped up on diet pills, and could have banged lisa if he wanted to. That’s sexy in my book. And why the hell do they call it the sexiest man ALIVE? Despite how retarded People magazine is, shouldn’t the fact that everyone they think is sexy is not a corpse be kinda expected. Maybe there was some debate in the press room between the normal gay bastards, retarded fat chicks, and the necrophiliac gay bastards, and fat chicks, as to wether or not dead people could be on the list. Either way, I’ve decided to do 25 sit-ups a day, until I can get on this awesome list. My life just won’t be complete until I can be on the same list as such talented and respectable people like Blair Underwood.