Election time sucks

Can we please, please, stop having election commercials. I can’t take it anymore. I’m at the end of my rope. I promise to vote for the first person to stop having commercials. At the very least, can we please just set a maximum # of commercials each candidate can use? They can pick what times, and what channels they want them aired on, and then when they’ve used them up, that’s it. Or maybe make it so they can only air one commercial per candidate during sports. It’s gotten out of hand. The sad part is, 92% of Americans are retarded, and only get their political info from commercials. It’s kind of a vicious cycle. Dumb person watches, dumb person believes, dumb person vote’s for dumb person, dumb person gets elected, dumb person airs commercial, dumb person watches. It goes on and on, until one day we have what I estimate will be about 6,000 citizens who have to work round the clock, to provide for the rest of the retarded population, until one day, it becomes like Star Wars (the good 3 movies) and the rebellion forms. I especially like the commercials where the candidate is the one actually talking, and then at the end, his voice comes on and says “I’m ’so and so’ and I approve this message”. No shit? You mean we might not have the opportunity to vote for someone who just reads anything put in front of them? You do approve of what you just said? We don’t need to check with anyone else? It really makes it easy on all of us, that’s how we know they are telling the truth. It’s not just the butthole politicians either, now issues have their own commercial. Often times the issues have kinda “switched around” logic behind them too. Like on many issues if you are for it, you may have to vote no. This makes for especially fun results seeing as how the majority of Americans are retarded. In Ohio, we have an issue involving payday loan business. You know, the place next to the liquor store. The cool part is, if you are in favor of these places, and the way they operate, you need to vote no. Yes, if you want to bring them down. It’s kinda like hoping for a cancer test to come back negative. Kinda rooting against what usually makes sense. Also in the buckeye state, we have something on the ballot for a casino, pretty much just south of the middle of the state, right on the highway, in the middle of nowhere. If you want the casino, you need to vote yes, no actually means no on this one. This is by far the issue with the most commercials, and after seeing them all a few hundred times. One has to ask, what kind of asshole is against a casino? Seriously, who the hell is against a casino? I know there are articles in the paper about the people who live near where the casino is supposed to go, and how it will ruin their area, but I’ve driven past that spot about 600 times. God ruined that area a long time ago. it’s not like they are trying to drop it on a championship golf course, or a luxury community, or a historical area. It’s going to go between the states 4th largest shit hole, an outlet mall, and a truck stop. I’m pretty certain that the casino, and maybe a religious cult would be the only people who might want to buy that land anyway. Why would you not want a casino? Is it because you hate having some place cool to go an hour and a half from anywhere in the state? If we don’t get a casino, I am going to snap. A year or so ago, we had an issue pass restricting the activities of “gentleman’s” or “strip clubs”. Basically, these bastards made it so they all have to close by midnight, and the girls have to stay 5 feet away from the patrons at all times. Look, I’m married and don’t go anyway, but why would you want to ruin a strip club? How many young women can’t afford college now that they don’t make any money at strip clubs? It’s a damn tragedy. People who would never even go to the strip club, getting to vote on what happens inside of them. Retarded. Most folks made it a religious issue, but I don’t recall the bible saying anything about strip clubs. In Columbus, it is legal for women to be completely topless in public spaces, but we regulate our strip clubs. Retarded. (not that we should do anything about the free boob law) Now the bible thumpers want to run out a casino. Their big issue is the law may or may not have a loophole that allows the casino to have a tax rate of 0%. What a tragedy that would be, a casino that can keep it’s profits, and make upgrades, and attract big named entertainment. Seeing as how all the non-existent casino’s are pumping billions into our economy, it’s a pretty simple choice. Come on Ohio, this is our one chance to prove we are not all backwards hillbillies. Our chance to make up for constant ass beatings in championship games. To make up for being the state that gave the world Nick Lachey, and Little Bow Wow. We can do this. Just think, if you live in Columbus, and are driving down I-71 to a reds or bengals game, you could have a way out. Save some gas money and stop at the casino. God knows we need it.

Chris applies for a new job!

I’ve decided it’s time for a career move. Sure I make good money now, and with the economy the way it is starting a new career is a big risk. But right now, there is a brief moment in time, when a special oppurtunity may be coming my way. I have no professional experience in this field, and I have said some bad things about the company in the past, many of which are posted on-line. None of this is gonna stop me, because frankly, I’m the right man for the job. If i wait, I could miss the chance of a lifetime, and right before I took the job I have now I bought some really nice resume paper, and have only used it for NCAA tourney pools. The job I’m going after? Cleveland Browns Janitor/equipment manager. The big story is Kellen Winslow was sidelined with an “un-disclosed” illness. Rumors floated around about it being swollen testicles, and then Kellen confirmed, it was yet one more Staph infection. The Browns tried to cover it up, and may fine winslow for telling the truth. O.K. so this is at least the 2nd time winslow has gotten a staph infection. Joe Jerevicious is still out with one. Braylon Edwards has had two, and LeCharles Bentley’s career was pretty much ruined by them. Throw in a few other non-important players, and you have a pretty shitty pattern developing. The Browns locker room is apparently a thrid world country. If you’ve had an operation within the last year, you are pretty much certain to get a staph infection just from visiting there. I think I can fix this whole problem. My wife will let me use our mop. We also have two types of swiffer’s, a vacume, and one thingy just for tile floors. I have several old buckets to use for stuff like bleach, and we always buy window cleaner stuff at the store, and now have a stock pile of it.. In our house, I am pretty much in charge of just the basement. It may not look like Martha Stewart was just down here, but a lot of nasty shit goes down in my basement, especially in the areas directly around the shitter. Amazingly enough, nobody has ever gotten a staph infection in my house, let alone the bar in my basement. The fact that I have a zero staph infection record, makes me more qualified than whoever is running things in Cleveland. I may hate the Browns, but, that doesn’t mean they can’t use my services. Whoever is in charge of the locker room, needs fired, I’m sure he’s a really old guy who’s been doing it for years, and is a very nice guy, and very loyal to the browns, but he has to be considered a liabillity at this point., Why would a free agent ever want to go there? Cleveland you need me more than ever right now. Give me one month with my swiffer mop, and some bleach, and you’ll have the same clean atmosphere as almost any public bathroom in America (not counting the south), which would be a major step up from your current situation. How could I do any worse? So maybe I ruin a few jersey’s. You have the ugliest uniform in sports, maybe pink pants would be a nice change. I can do this job, and I’m sending my resume. I will even dress like Paul Brown, and maybe even beat my wife like Jim Brown, or do Coke like Ernest Byner. As far as not pissing in the water bottles, I make no promises.

The Lions Strike Back

With the Dolphins running that crazy offense, the chiefs somehow winning a game, the Raiders trying to save their coaches job, and St. Louis accidentally winning, the path for my Bengals to go 0-16, and get the #1 pick was looking good. The Browns, who would be after the same running back, and same coach I so desperately desire, are now steam rolling their way to at least a 3 win season. All that stands in our way is the Detroit Lions. No problem, they can score a lot of points, play a lot of non-playoff teams, and should win at least 3 right? Now the Lions are playing hard ball. Once Palmer went down, it was looking like smooth sailing, our shitty line was going to be our strong point. Then, the Lions had to take out Kitna, and put in a dude who has no idea what out of bounds means. Well played you bastards. Now, T.J. Houshmanzadeh is down. We got em now, right? Well the Lions went and traded what many could argue is their only good player, Roy Williams, to the Cowboys. These buttholes just won’t quit. What do we have to do? Chris Henry has to get arrested again, he just has to. Imagine if by some miracle, we are only down 5 points late in the game, and he gets into open field. Even I could throw it to him, and he’s really, really fast. I’m starting to get worried. Not so much that the Bengals will actually win, that’s not happening any time soon, but that the Lions could suck as bad as we do, maybe even worse. The trade deadline has passed, so we can’t trade them Chris Perry, which helps our “see who can blow more” cause. But, we’re running out of options. What if Cedric Benson actually plays good? What if he has visions of impressing the Raiders enough to sign him by playing well? Our defense is actually getting better. Not good, but better. That cleveland game at the end of the season scares me. If Palmer heals up, that’s as close to a lock win as I’ve ever seen, and it could be the game that costs us the most coveted prize in sports. The # 1 overall pick, and a new coach.

Can my fellow Ohio State fans please simmer down. All last week the talk was how bad we were, how Michigan State was going to run all over our defense, and how our offense couldn’t score. Did we forget that Michigan state always starts 4-1? Did we forget that OSu generally plays down to the level of their opponent? Did we forget we were once ranked #2, and that MSU lost to Cal? Did we forget that the Spartans quarterback sucks really really bad? Apparently so. Lets all just settle down a little bit here. I tried to tell everyone to bet the buckeyes, who just barely covered the spread by a shade under 40 points. I hope someone headed my advice. Now the tide has shifted a little here in columbus. Now we have folks talking championship. Not so fast my friends. Yes we a re capable of playing well, but we’ll hold off on that talk. In fact, the majority of folks around these parts are quite certain we are going to get buried by the unstoppable Penn State nittany lionesses. Isn’t there opponents record 21-35? What were they ranked before they started handing it to a bunch of shitty teams? Who have they played? I know OSU has faced a weak opponents as well, but before OSU ended wisconsins season, they were a team to be reckoned with. Now they are bleeding to death, and have little more than a 5th rate bowl game to play for. Penn State can’t be good, it’s very simple why. they have a quarterback named Darryl. The first rule in football is do not have a quarterback named darryl. If your shitter is clogged an leaking all over your house, you will be best served calling someone named darryl. You need someone to prepare ribs or chicken in mass quantities? Call a guy named Darryl. If you need someone to be your quarterback, anyone but a guy named Darryl. Oooh they run and “HD” spread offense. What exactly makes it HD? Does Joe Paterno even know what HD means? Look I’m not gonna garuntee victory for the buckeyes, but they should win, fairly easilly. There’s a good chance PSU will be favored. Right now the line is the buckeyes getting 2.5 points. I’d like to see it go up, but come on. Ohio State at home, at night, mid-season getting points. It’s like a license to steal. Other than Vince young, when has OSU not won at home at night? Penn State’s opponents record is 21-35. I know they are balanced, but OSU is pretty good still right? It takes a special team, with a special QB to go into the shoe at night and win. Not some dude named Darryl./

Tempting odds

What is one to do on a week like this. Las Vegas has thrown some pretty tempting odds out there, and I can only resist for so long. Really, both the NFL, and College have what I would call some suckers bets. Now I gotta admit, I’m a bit of a sucker, especially when it comes to days like this. Ohio State is getting 3.5 at Michigan State. Really? Can I just have my money now? Does anyone actually think MSU is good? Isn’t it about time they have their textbook spartan collapse? I know Ohio State didn’t score any offensive touchdowns last week, but remember when holding a Big 10 team with a high scoring spread offense to 3 points, scoring a special teams TD, winning the turnover battle, having 5 drives of over 50 yards, and completely dominating field position was considered at least decent? I know Ringer has run for a lot of yards, but they run the kind of offense the OSU devours. I know Dantonio will love nothing more than to take down his ole club, and he’s gonna throw everything in the book at Pryor. I know, but come on people, use some common sense. I’d take OSu giving up 7 at least, getting points, that’s a suckers bet. People are starting to get a little too excited about Penn State as well. Yes they blew out Wisconsin, in camp randall, but after the loss to OSU, their season was toasted anyway, the badgers hearts weren’t in it. The ultimate suckers bet though, is Cincy getting 9.5 against the stealers. You could give the bengals 16 points, let them use 15 players on offense, and they still couldn’t cover. Take all your money, and bet it on pittsburgh, beating the worst team in football, without their two best players.

Feeling better now

I’m beginning to pull away from my cold, and the side effects of eating experimental snack foods. It’s been abusy week, with lots of stuff going on at work, some family photo’s (PG-13), playoff baseball, the return of hockey, and a trip to the zoo. As expected, going to the zoo on a thursday afternoon in Oct. was a much more chris friendly environment. Sadly, there was a total lack of rednecks, so the animals were all we had to be excited about. As a matter of fact, the animals actually seemed to behave differently without huge crowds standing around them. They were active, at least a lot of them were. I still think the black bear, and the male lion are dead, but the other critters stepped up. Maybe it was not having 70 or so of americas finest bumping into you, and blocking your view of the animals, but it seemed like the animals were a lot more fan friendly. Sadly though, Dylan seemed to enjoy the stuffed animals in the gift shop way more than anything, he cracked up and laughed every time he would see one.  Not sure if this means he is just 6 months old, or if he will some day become a great white hunter. Only time will tell.

Yesterday, the History Channel had an episode of modern marvels devoted to underwear. They were talking about bra’s, so I was sold. Then, right before a commercial break, they had a little historical fun fact, and it blew my mind. A while ago, I bashed the theory of “evolution”, basically by asking why chicks are not evolving to have bigger boobs. If “evolution” is real, one could only assume it would be natural for chics to be more stacked. Then I saw this. In 1941 the average Bra size in America was 34 B. In 2006 it was 36 C. It’s happening! Could this be true? If this is so, then maybe some of this crazy “evolution” business may be true. Personally I think it’s because God is a boob man after all. Either way, this is great news for man kind. We may be getting dumber as a whole, but if everyone has big boobs, who really cares? You do have to ask yourself, if in the last 60 years they went up a whole cup size, what’s it gonna be like in 200 years? Or a thousand years? All the sudden, I think the future generations are gonna have it pretty good. I’m actually gonna try and speed up this “global warming” thing. It’s the generous thing to do. Imagine if the average bra size is like 36 DD, and it’s really hot. Obviously every one will be wearing bikini’s, and since they will all have big cans, I want to be a part of it. So this will be my last blog for some time. This weekend, I am going to clear out space in my garage freezer, and hop in, only to be woken up and thawed out in a few hundred years, when all the chicks have bigger boobs. Or better yet, some of the population may have started having 3 boobs, like on Total Recall. As long as the freezer stays plugged in, and we have no more hurricanes in Ohio, it can’t fail. I guess my frozen body would just come with the house, like the fenced in yard. The way this economy is going, I can’t afford not to. I’ll also need to drink all the beer in the garage fridge, since my wife doesn’t drink it, and I don’t want to be wastefull. If anyone wants to come over and help clear space, feel free. I think there’s a whole turkey we could deep fry, and some taguito’s.

Experimental cuisine

So this past sunday, I had the honor of encountering a big batch of “experimental” foods. Mainly the chip/pork rhind variety. A friend of mine’s father is a food science developer, and he likes to pawn their test products on her to see if she like’s them. She usually passes them onto me, since I am a culinary expert I guess. This batch contained some winners, and one big loser. Among them was Buffalo wing flavored pork rhinds. How could this be bad? They were fantastic. Combining buffalo wings, with pork should have been done a long time ago, and I can’t recommend these enough. As soon as these fuckers hit the shelf, I’m buying as many as I can find. Even if you don’t like pork rhinds, or buffalo wings, the combination of the two is magical. Too bad for the company that makes these delicious snacks, they went just one step too far. The big loser on the day was a little product called Engobi energy to go bites. The flavor I tried was cinnamon twists, infused with caffeine. Think those cinnamon things at taco bell laced with angel dust. Now I’m all for pumping semi-regular food full of chemicals, especially those that make you do crazy things. About 20 minutes after I ate a bag, I started feeling jittery. I like jittery. Then it escalated into full blown roid rage. I soon developed the early stages of glaucoma, and began to sweat, but I was wired, which was the whole goal anyway. Then came the big downfall. Intestinal cramping, and some other great side effects. The euphoria of eating something crazy was replaced with total regret. I toughed it out, came down from my high, and watched football. Nothing a few beers couldn’t fix. Then the next day came along. apparently the effects of these caffiene snacks comes back for rd. two. Never in my life have I came so close to pooping my pants without actually pooping my pants, as I did monday. It felt like I was giving birth to a small pony. I also had the honor of feeling what can only be described as testicle cramping. Never in my life have I regretted eating something as much as those damn chips. Stay away from them if you ever see them in stores. However, today I was running on about 2 hours of sleep, and needed a little help. Not having a neighborhood crack dealer, I turned to another bag of the caffeine chips. Despite similar results, I’m feeling pretty good, and may just hang on to the extra bags if I get into a pinch. Maybe a few “strange side effects” isn’t the worst thing to worry about.

Thanks Eli

Not that making me look stupid isn’t easy, but Eli Manning sure did a hell of a job making me look stupid last night. That was a great game, Eli played great, what can I say. I am proud of all the Browns fans for not jumping at the chance to bash me, after I said a few bad things about them. I was surprised to not see a bunch of browns fans claiming to have predicted that mess. Oh well, now cleveland can move forward with derek Anderson at the helm. That dude is fantastic, and is a great, intelligent, quarterback, who has pinpoint accuracy.

What the hell is happening to my Dodgers? I’m beginning to think that the best way to kill a team is for me to root for them. At least my Red Sox are still in it. Right? I really helped the Dolphins struggle once I jumped on their bandwagon also. I do want to see the Manny lead Dodgers take out Boston. We’re running out of curses, and need a new one. I say it’s time for the curse of the Manbino, and we need another 86 years of Boston suffering.

This past weekend I had the honor of escorting my wife to her High School reunion. If you have never been to one, and are considering going, just pass. I have yet to have a reunion of my own. Last year I had one scheduled the same day I was in a wedding. I was once dissapointed that I wouldn’t make it, but after seeing my wife’s, I need to send a thank you card to my friend for getting me out of our reunion. Not that it isn’t great for people to come together after long periods of absence. Not that it’s not great for out of touch friends to get back in touch, it is. What scares me from these events, is not having an out when confronted by people whom you were fortunate enough to avoid for 10 plus years. This wasn’t my reunion, so I was safe. Somewhat. I was there all of 5 minutes, sitting at a table full of very nice, friendly people, who’s conversations I was enjoying, when I heard a familiar voice. “C.T.! You’re not gonna stick my keys and hide them in peanut butter tonight!” Shit! I thought to myself as I did the math in my head, he did graduate with my wife. The idiot I am referring to, is a complete tool. I need not name any names, but many folks can likely guess who I am referring to. Several years ago, a large group of us headed to Cincy for a weekend of baseball and debauchery. The reds were finishing a series with Cleveland, and starting a new one with detroit. Somehoe we got duped into crashing at this idiots pad, he shared with several other success challenged college pals. The plan was we would be too drunk to notice them, and avoid them if at all possible. After he nearly got us all killed by a revolver wielding crackhead, on his short cut through the worst section of cincinnati (think the scene from traffic, when he’s looking for his daughter), and a failed attempt to ditch him in a bar, we were stuck dealing with this moron all night. I decided the best revenge would be to warn my friends, then piss in the container of apple juice in the fridge. Those are old tricks, and I like a flare for the dramatic, so I thought of something new. I took his car keys, shoved them into a jar of peanut butter, and spackled them to the underside of the cabinet’s were they stuck for god knows how long. Anywho, every time I see this butthole, he asks me if I remember the time I made him drink my pee, and peanut buttered his keys to his cabinet. Most folk would kick my ass for things like this, not him. He thinks I’m that much more awesome. Also at the reunion was the obligatory “train wreck” couple. Again I won’t name any names, but anyone who knows my wife can guess who the most screwed up female member of her class might be. Well, her and her date, were just a hair on the legally dead drunk side, and began to fight, eachother. Both were kicked out. classy, and I missed most of the good parts. I did meet some cool people though, and saw several folks I actually do like and respect. I was pretty surprised by how many girls would come up to my wife wanting to reminisce about ole times, and how they missed her so much. Many of their spouse’s would say her name and say, and something like, ‘your last name used to be…” and ‘I’ve heard your name a thousand time’s, it’s great to finally meet you”. Then they would introduce me, and I would think to myself, I’ve heard your name zero time’s, hurray me! My wife is cooler than your’s. I guess the point is, don’t go to reunion’s, sometimes there is a reason you don’t hang out with someone anymore. Whether it be you are cooler than they are, or they drank your pee, just don’t go. If there are people you miss from the good ole days, seek them out, good friends are always good friends. We all have people we are not as close to as we would like, we all miss people from various stages of life. Even though you will get to see 1, 5, or a dozen old friends at these things, having to deal with one idiot, one drunk chick, and a bunch of people who’s names you can’t remember totally outweighs everything.

Big Changes

This weeks Monday Night Football game, is going to be off the hook. I know the 1st place Giants against a barely not last place Browns doesn’t seem like a big deal, but just wait. The Cleveland Browns have just blown this thing wide open, with some crazy news. No it has nothing to do with Kellen Winslow’s swollen testicles. Wait for it….The Browns will be wearing “throw-back” uniforms! Is it just me, or did this game all the sudden become it’s own superbowl? I know, you may be thinking to yourslef, don’t the Browns wear the same uni’s they always have? If you are thinking that, man are you stupid. The “throw-back” uniforms are waaaay different. They are so much different, that people are going to have a hard time believing it’s actually the Browns playing, except the scoreboard should fix that little problem. The “throw-back” uniforms, will have a slightly different width of stripe on the pants, different shade of socks, and shoulder pad stripes that are at a slightly different angle than the usual uniforms. This is going to blow people’s minds. Everyone should just go ahead and call in sick to work for tuesday, because this is going to be one crazy game. This has got to be the best publicity stunt in sports history. Remember when Dallas busted out the old school unie’s, or San Diego went with the powder blue, with white helmets for the first time in decades? They got nothing on this. Just think, if you don’t have HD tv. and you watch the game without knowing about this, you might never know the difference in uniforms. Well done Cleveland. Well done. If you want to try a throw-back, try not sucking. Remember when you were good? Football was much better then, and with the Bengals on a one way track to 0-16 you represent the only hope for Ohio sports. Instead of making the “where’s waldo?” of uniform changes, try playing benching derek Anderson, or cleaning your locker room so all your good players don’t have staph infections.

Speaking of throw back uniforms. What’s up with the Jets threads? Don’t get me wrong, they look pretty cool, but aren’t the New York Titans a whole different team? Once a team folds, or move’s isn’t that pretty much that. Does this mean the Ravens can have a throw-back week, and wear the Colt’s or Brown’s uniforms? Just wear the uniform you have and stick with it. My new goal in life is to find someone with a blue and gold Jet’s/titans uniform, and kick them in the nuts.

I’d also like to thank Auburn for reasurring me that they really do suck, really bad. I was beginning to doubt my skills as a handicapper for all of 9 minutes, and then they played again. I was way off on Texas, but like I said, had not seen them play until this week. If they win the next three games, they are the no doubt #1 team. I have started to wonder though, does this mean the SEC isn’t the greatest confrence in the history of sports? Does this mean we should keep playing the rest of the game’s? Or can we just give the title to a random SEC team? I mean they are the greatest thing ever. Right? Being the Dominant confrence for a small period in history means everything right? I just can’t help but wonder, if the SEC is so much better than everyone else, where are all these great teams at? Florida and Alabama are pretty sweet, but aren’t they supposed to have like 6 great teams? Could this mean that the big 12 might actually, somehow, by some miracle be good also? If Penn State keeps playing the way they have been, and wins like that at the shoe, could they be good also? If an SEC team runs the table they should by all means get a shot at the title. I picked florida to play for it all. The way that confrence is set up, teams have to win the games they are supposed to win, win one tough game, and then the title game. If you are florida, you have one good team in the east maybe, Georgia, beat them, win the games you are favored by 20, and go to the confrence championship. If you are alabama, beat LSU, win the games you are favored by 17, and go to the confrence championship. Even if you forgive LSU, and Georgia for getting lit up by teams ranked behind them, that leaves each side of the SEC with 2 hard games . Consider the fact that those teams might not be so great, and that leaves each division champ of the SEC with one tough game, and a confrence championship. Man what an amazing confrence. Two tough games. Big Ten Teams have to do that too right? Two would seem easy in the big 12 this year. We might actually have to consider the fact that there is good football being played outside the SEC this year. What a mind blower. My world is spinning.

Dolphin Fever

Am I the only one who has started to root for the Dolphins, mainly due to their crazy college offense? At first I wanted them to get as much separation as possible between them and my Bengals, for that #1 pick. Now, I wanna see them win it all. They pretty much break every rule for NFL football. You know, you can’t run the option, the defensive ends are too quick. Gimmick formations will only work once or twice, NFL teams are too smart. Apparently not so. The dolphins are a text book example of a team that knows it has no chance to go win week in week out going straight up, against their opponent. The Single wing, or “wildcat” formation is straight out of College or High school, and is pretty damn fun to watch. I’ll never bet money on the phins, but I do wanna see them win. This has to be the most frustrating team to play against. You do every thing right, work, train, and study hard all week, and then boom, ronnie brown hits Ricky Williams, who hits Chad Pennington who tosses a bomb for a TD. Brilliant. It’s like watching Arkansas last season. They had a ton of holes, but got it done. Ronnie Brown, is the new Darren McFadden, who got completely jobbed by Tim Teabag for the Heisman. Tebow is great, don’t get me wrong, but he had to be the most undeserving heisman winner since Roger Staubach. I know he had insane stats. I now he lead his team back to win plenty of games. I know he was unstoppable in the red zone, but they lost how many games? I know he had an amazing performance to come from behind and beat South Carolina, but didn’t the Gamecocks blow last year? Which game did florida win, that they would not have won without Tebow? Now ask the same questions for Arkansas. Take out McFadden, and Felix Jones is drafted in the 6th rd. as a special teamer, and the Razorbacks win 3 games. McFadden single hand-idly lead his team to victory against the eventual national champ. He was their best QB, and he was their starting RB.

Who the hell from CBS decided that Dan Fouts and Randy Cross would make a good fit as commentators? Instead of being able to tough out a shitty game between my shitty Bengals, and the quazi-shitty jets, by trying to ignore what the announcers say. I have to either hit the mute button, or listen to those two bastards try and out-retard each other for three hours. Unfortunately, radio was not an option, since I watched it late on DVR. I know John Madden takes a lot of hits, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and say these two dumb asses are the worst two commentators in sports. Period. It’s not just their own stupidity either. When the two powers combine, they take it to a whole new level. It’s like somebody took two escaped mental patients, gave them some qualudes, and a case of red bull, and an open microphone. I gotta hand it to both of them. Just when you think one of them has said the dumbest comment ever during a game, the other one steps to the plate. Among my fave’s were. “He’s averaging 12.5 per punt return, any time you get that you’re gonna get at least a first down” (Translation: Simply put: what the fuck? doesn’t a punt return usually result in a first down for the returning team?) or “I think Brett Favre might start watching some Ryan Fitzpatrick highlight video’s” (Translation: I have no idea who Favre is, but this Fitzpatrick kid is the shit) “The Bengals are only down 10 points, if they score a touchdown, amazingly enough, they’ll only be down 3″ (Translation: Basic math Kicks Ass!) After all this nonsense, there is two guys I feel sorry for. First. Dick Enberg. Remember the days of him calling the marquee games on Sunday for NBC. He did the Broncos Browns Playoff game, and now, all he can do is sit there with those two idiots, waiting for Wimbledon. The other is Carson palmer. What looked to be a surefire Hall-of-Fame career, is now going to waist. Why would he want to play at this point? He gets paid the same wether he’s out there getting killed, or on the sideline dipping. I know what I’d pick. He’s pretty much a Bengal for the rest of his natural life, so my best advice for him would be to start drinking.

I do like the new booth the refs use for the instant replay. Instead of just the camera with a towel draped over it like they used to use, now they have an actual booth. Get the refs a glory hole, and they are all set.

Hockey’s Back!

Ah it seemed like just weeks ago my Blue Jackets were mathematically eliminated from the playoffs, and I was putting all my eggs in the Reds basket. It seems like about four days later that all went to shit as well. Tonight, we get a new lease on life, and one more shot at glory. Sure the odds are against us, but it’s a new year, a new team and I’m ready. The jackets didn’t make any huge offseason moves, but we did get some new faces that will surely add some experience, and depth. My boy’s Umberger, and Commodore and Tyutin, may not be the biggest names in the game, but they can play, and they make the jackets better. The schedule sucks. Playing at Dallas, Phoenix, and San Jose right out of the gate is no easy task. A good start will be the key to the whole season for this team. Like the rest of the teams I pull for from Ohio, losing can become contagious here, so they need to take advantages of any chances they get to pick up points on this trip. This team can’t afford to suck again. If they do, It’s gonna take a whole lot of gambling, Bud Light Lime, and HD broadcast to keep me interested. I think the real key to the whole season is that I get my coffee every morning at the same place as the Jackets Enforcer. This is a good sign. A well caffinated fighter, is a winning fighter. I think the Jackets can make it into the playoffs this year, but I think the cup will end up in either Detroit, or Dallas.

This weekend is  giving us so much more than just hockey. This is one of the weekends on the college football schedule that stands out far in advance, and here it is. Texas vs. Oklahoma, and LSU Florida. Both could be great games. I gotta admit, I kinda took my eye off Texas this year, and have only seen them play on highlights. From what I’ve seen of Oklahoma, I think they got Texas’ number again this year, but we’ll see. As far as the Big SEC matchup, Florida was my pick to take on OSU in the championship. After losing to a horrible Ole Miss team, Florida can’t afford a loss here. A lot of people are picking LSU, but I just don’t see it. I gotta go with Florida at home on this one. I know LSU beat Auburn, but I think Auburn might just suck this year. Vanderbilt can have as many as 9 white dudes playing at any given time, and good teams just don’t try that move. Any team that loses to Vandy, clearly sucks. No one can argue that.

As far as the NFL goes. Congrats if you were one of the Lucky ones who took the jets at -6, before the Bengals announced Palmer was out. That team is screwed. I waited to put my pick in for my survivor league, and I’m glad I did. I almost had to use up the Saints, or giants this week, but now, I get a freebie and can safely take the Jets, a team I had no intention of using this year. It’s like taking candy from a baby.