Chompers!

What a great week it has been for my 7 month old son. First, he came home with his first “accident” report from daycare. Just when you think you’ve pondered all the bad things that can happen to a baby on any given day, look at a sheet a lawyer drew up, and you’ll see your imagination has only scratched the surface of what you need to worry about. There was all kinds of crazy things on there, some of which, I’m not sure I could have dreamt up, so that must mean they have happened before. Basically, if anything slightly bad happens to your child, they have to fill out a form, explaining every detail of the incident, just to cover their asses. In this letigious society, it’s got to be expected. Dylan’s accident was pretty minor. He apparently decided he was going to lunge for something well out of his reach, and of course his forehead blocked his fall. In the report, it said what time it happened, what room, what exactly happened, childs reaction, caregiver’s reaction, and treatment, and the names of everyone involved. It’s kind of like the game Clue, had it been designed by lawyers. Dylan was of course fine, he had a decent red bump on his dome, but it was gone by the next day. His problem is, he forgets that he can’t walk, or really crawl well, and often times he wants to travel much farther than his abillities allow him, and down he goes. He’s a boy, it happens, and he toughs it out. After reading the official accident report, and what they term as an “accident”, I’ve been reminded of the stark differences in what adults, and children consider accidents. I bump my head all the time on stuff. Pretty much everytime I have to crawl under my desk to unplug/re-plug the internet wire, I get a new bump. I don’t think twice about it. For a baby, this is serious business. Dylan, pees, and poops in his pants several times a day, and nobody thinks twice. When I do it (0 incidents in the last 8 months) People make fun of me. Life can be cruel.

Bumping his head seems to have jump started his development. It sounds weird, but he’s aged dramatically since then. Yesterday, he said his first words. DaDa of course. This morning, he had sprouted his first toothe. That’s right, we are starting to get teeth. We should be eating ribs by Christmas time. It’s the front right toothe on the bottom, for anyone who was wondering. Right now, he looks like a hockey player, which is awesome. Obviously, not a very good hockey player, since he just has the one toothe, but a hockey player none the less. All his hard work has made him a little tired though. Tonight he napped all the way through Trick-or-treat. We had no plans to take him out, even with the one toothe, candy would be a little pointless. We did plan on having him pass out candy, and he even had a little tiger outfit to wear. Maybe he was just tired, maybe it was the embarrasment that is the Bengals season, but Dylan pretty much skipped his first Halloween. Oh well, next year he should be old enough to egg houses with his old man.

I however, passed out candy, and noticed a few things about Trick-or-treat that othered me. First, a lot of Adults dress up and follow their kids around. Parents aren’t supposed to dress up for Trick-or-Treat, they are supposed to dress up for sexy adult parties, but not to get candy. They are supposed to follow their kids around, giving dissaproving glances to all the neighbors who are giving their kids candy, which they will later threaten to take away. I also noticed, once again, that some kids are way too old to be going door to door getting candy. My wife controlled the candy flow, otherwise I would have been forced to reject quite a few kids this year. One girl was on a cell phone while she got her candy. She was like “…hang on, ‘Trick-or-Treat’, Okay I’m back…” What the hell was that all about. I know kids wine, and parents give in, and kids are getting cell phones at really early ages, but if you have a cell phone, no more Trick-or-Treat. Also if you have wiskers, or boobs, no candy for you. It’s one or the other. Parents, show your kids how bad it sucks to get old. Don’t let them have it both ways. I would love to have a recess to go play football twice every day, and I would love to have sex with a chick at night. I only get to do the one. It’s part of getting old. We can buy ourselve’s beer, but we also have to pay taxes. Life’s a bitch. I also noticed a lot of kids (mostly too old) just mailed in the costume this year. If you are wearing the outfit you have to wear for your job, you should not be trying to score candy. Jeans, and a Dwight Howard jersey is not a costume. You wore that to school, it can’t count. And the pre-teens, in the waaay too short shorts, and little tee’s. I get your costume is a coed whore, but your parents are dropping the ball. I realize that you are dressing like a lot of college girls you saw down on campus at a Buckeye’s game, but sluts are not role model’s, be Dora or something, there will be a lot less teen pregnancies involved if you just be a kid. There will be plenty of time to dress like whores as adults, enjoy your childhood. Oh well, there was plenty of Darth Vader’s, and little buckeye players to counter all the nonsense that went around tonight. Next year, I won’t have to pass out candy, since the D man will be hitting the sidewalks. I will be the dude who sets out 9 pieces of candy in a huge bowl, and then puts up the “honor system” note, and pretends some bastards stole the rest.