Keeping the Faith

Recently, I have learned that a dear friend of mine, somebody I’ve known my entire life, and think of as a big brother, has denounced his religion. Not just his religion, but all religions. He apparently no longer believes in God. This may have been going on for some time, but now it’s official. He has gone over to the Dark side. Soon he will be wearing thrift store sweaters, and square rimmed glasses, and telling us all how much smarter he is than us. He’ll be dangerous behind the wheel, because he’ll be talking on a bluetoothe earpiece, and closing his eyes when he talks. He’ll move on to gay liberal thoughts such as, “If there were no religions, there would be no wars” or “we all came from monkeys”. Now I believe creatures do evolve, just not that we all came from the same little creature. I believe in Evolution to an extent, but if that is the one true answer, then why are there still monkeys, if that’s what we all used to be. Shouldn’t there still be giraffes with regular sized necks? Why are there no three boobed strippers? Everyone would like that, shouldn’t we be naturally evolving towards that. At School dances, the chicks with the big boobs, always got asked to dance first. Shouldn’t women all be naturally evolving to have bigger racks? Science can’t answer these questions, but I can. Giraffes have long necks cause god wanted them to look funny. We still have women without big boobs, because God likes all different kinds of chics, he may even be an ass man, who knows. Either way, my friend’s soul is in danger. The thing about religion is, if there is no God, then we all still end up the same in the end. If there is a god, those who swear him off are pretty well fucked. I’ve taken it upon myself, to bring my friend back into the light. I’m not saying he has to carry around a bible, or listen to shitty christian rock music. Just not swear off religion. A while back, I got on-line to a website that will make you ordained in just about any crazy religion you want. You can even make your own religion. I chose a general faith religion, and became ordained. The plan was, I would be able to pull off shotgun weddings, or baptise somebody in a pinch. you can never be too prepared. I also kinda wanted to be the first one to preside over gay marriages in Ohio. It wasn’t legal, but it was on the ballot, and I didn’t want to miss out. I don’t really agree with gay marriages, but I hold no grudges, and it would have been a sweet way to bring in some extra cash, since I would have a corner on the market. I still may do some gay marriages if anyone is interested. I charge $100.00 and a case of beer. For an extra $10 bucks, this website would mail you a certificate saying you were ordained. I didn’t buy it then, cause I had no use for it yet. I do now. The next time my friend leaves town on business, I’m going to his house and baptising his daughters. I’ll post the video on-line, and send it to him on his phone. You see, he may have swarn off God, but a higher power has thrust upon me the duty of bringing him back. I ask for the help of anyone out there who will listen Please save my friends soul. If anyone is wondering his “blog name” rhymes with “Blo-bitsu”, and he needs our help. If you see him, he thinks help bring him back. Also, he thinks you are all monkey’s, so it is appropriate to throw your own feces at him, he’ll understand. Also, say a prayer for our poor lost friends soul. Next time any sees or talks to him, try to sell him on religion. It may not be your religion, but give it a shot. I’ll be trying to get him to either join Budhism, or Jedi.