Ah, that’s better

What a day. Seemingly all my lifes problems have been solved within a matter of hours. The U.S. women didn’t get screwed by the judges in gymnastics. Chris Henry has returned to the spotlight in Cincinnati, and we await his next run-in with the law. Cleveland Browns fans have fallen silent after their teams shitty start in a preseason game. Finally, and most importantly, I received an e-mail from the Reds owner, and general manager, that explains everything, and has assured me of winning it all next year. Wooh.

First Mr. Henry has returned. A few days ago I posted a comment jokingly saying that his parole will not allow him to leave Hamilton county, and the bengals had to bring him back. then they actually did. One can only wait, like a kid on christmas eve, to see what he does next. There’s been drugs, violence, alcohal, and underage women. Since he’s not married, spousal abuse is out. I’m going to go with hooker for the next arrest, prefferably with some drugs, a la Michael irvin. The national media has been trashing the bengals for bringing back chris henry, and they can suck it. Most of ESPN’s Mike and Mike in the morning show was dedicated to how dissapointed they were with the bengals. How many times was Michael irvin in trouble before ESPN hired him? Didn’t they stand by him after he was arrested for having a pipe and drugs in his car while he was employed there? Didn’t they wait until the season was over, and then quietly let him go? When he can add something to one of their radio shows, don’t they still have him as a guest? Didn’t Cris Carter have a few issues with Bolivian Marching Powder at one point in his life? Isn’t he at ESPN now? There’s sports, and then there’s life. If the Bengals ran a nursing home, Chris Henry would be a shitty person to employ. Old people, and their crazy medication would be a bad mix for him. Since they are a professional football organization, isn’t a 6′6″ black dude who is crazy fast, and can jump, and catch a good fit at reciever. Now that Ocho is down, T.J. is banged up, and our receivers we drafted have a case of the sucks, Chris Henry is a welcome addition. Who gives a shit about a players character? i heard multiple radio people talking about how the bengals “let their fans down”. These folks need a reality check. As a die hard bengals fan, I know a thing or two about being let down. How about waking up at 6 a.m. start drinking beer at 7 a.m. driving 2 hours, tailgating, and dropping another 80 or so bucks on beer to see your Bengals open their new stadium with an ass whomping to a team that was one year removed from not existing. That’s letting your fans down. I strongly support assholes on my teams. If you want, good natured boys next door, full of heart, and grit, go rent the movie ‘Rudy’. If you want to win, have a squad full of guys who are big, fast, and like to visit strip clubs. I’ve seen a former OSU national champion QB, who was kown for his heart, brains, and leadership like 6 times at places such as Dicks Sporting goods, weddings, and Chick-fill-a. He’s out of football before he turned 26. I’ve seen Eric Dickerson twice. once at a strip club, the other at a casino. He’s in the hall of fame. Case closed.

The letter from Reds ownership/management was extra special. It was full of fun little phrases such as “Since taking ownership of this franchise, we have aggressively tried to improve our Major League roster for the purpose of restoring championship baseball to Cincinnati” Really? I think the kids call this WTF. Unless the World series will now be held on a neutral site, that being Great American Ballpark. World Championship baseball isn’t coming anywhere near that town. They also said this “We have sought and signed proven players (Corey Patterson????). We have extended the contracts of select current players(Todd Coffey???). We added Dusty Baker, a proven winning manager(when was this?). And, we have capitalized on our burgeoning younger players like Joey Votto, Jay Bruce and Johnny Cueto.(sold them into slavery?)” I like the ‘burgeoning‘ part. You know some office aids spent hours deciding that was the word that would make it all better. Lucky for us, they weren’t done just  yet. “We had high expectations for the 2008 season(the new cheerleaders?). Unfortunately the team has not played up to our expectations(which were?) and we have sustained injuries to key players within our starting lineup and rotation.”  I can only assume the key players are Norris Hopper, jeff keppinger, Josh Fogg, and Jolbert Cabrerra, all ‘burgeoning’ all-stars. They did end the note, with a little hope for our future. “As we near September, we will continue to provide valuable playing time to our young players and new acquisitions who we feel can become significant contributors at the Major League level (start your fantasy football team, we’re done). We ask your continued trust and patience (18 more years will be plenty) as we build the roster that will get us back on top. We appreciate your support and look forward to seeing you at the ballpark (for that Red Sox vs. Cubs World Series).

In able to help these buttholes avoid the awkwardness of another letter next year explaining why Brandon Phillips is a Yankee, and Corey Patterson is in center batting .089, here’s a little game plan for the months of November through March. Take big piles of money, and throw them at guys named C.C., K-rod, Manny, or anyone else who is fielding offers from the good teams, and hope one of them is foolish enough to play in that ballpark. if that does not work, lower beer prices, and I’ll see you at opening day.

 

Chris Goes to the Zoo

So this past weekend, myself, the boy, my sister-in-law, and her 4 year old son, headed off to the Coulumbus Zoo. Since the weather was perfect, about 70,000 other people had the same idea. Over the years I’ve found it harder and harder to function as a normal part of society. Having a child to protect and raise had speeded my ascent into full blown agoraphobia. I’ve noticed that “normal” society is pretty fucked up, and I’m not sure I want any part of it. People have no regard for anyone but themselves, and pretty much have no idea other people even exist in their presence. At first I thought this was just “normal” driving behavior. I often pull up next to people at lights and congratulate them on their wonderfull driving, or ask them if there is any more of our traffic laws we can make go away for them. Actually getting out among the masses really opens your eyes. People have no problem cutting off people with strollers, or bumping into small children. I’ve stiff armed old ladies in defense of my child before, I was quite prepared to go into full blown shit kicking mode. People just slam into the stroller, paying no attention to their actions, when something like a penguin is nearby. I’ve decided this cannot stand. I’ve begun retro fittin Dylans stroller with dung covered spears, and other weaponry. I’m shooting for something between the chariots from Ben Hur, and the Mad Max mobile. I will have my revenge. When I was looking after my 4 year old nephew, bringing him to the front to see some stupid animal, people had no problem muscling their way past him, so they could see the animals better. Here’s the deal. If you are 36, wearing a Disney shirt, and pushing aside small children to fulfill your elephant fix, you will get your ass kicked, at some point, some time, it’s gonna happen, and you deserve it. I’ve begun soliciting donors to help finance my latest endeavor. The ctgobucks, fucked up people zoo. Instead of a lion that has been laying in the same spot for the last 5 years, I’ll have attractions like, 300 plus pound women in spandex. Who could resist the Amish children eating chicken fingers exhibit, or the guys with multiple fanny-packs wing. Animals are pretty cool, when they are either slinging poop, or killing something. Watching them lay there praying for death is boring. People are waay more exciting. Instead of the usual crappy mix of fish in an aquarium, it could be overly horny fat people in speedo’s, swimming around playing underwater grab-ass. Who wouldn’t pay for that. Until My Zoo can be opened, we need to find a way to make regular public places more accessible for normal people. Instead of everyone having the right to go anywhere they want, when they want. Let’s make everyone take a few simple tests, to see which group they fall in, and then each group has it’s own day in public. Tuesday could be Obese/Dis-figured redneck day. If you weigh over 4 bills and are wearing a size 9X Brady Quinn jersey, or are missing an ear and wearing a ‘Tap-Out’ shirt, tuesday is all yours. Only rednecks of this category can go in designated public places. Wednesday could be pack-o-goth kids day. If you are with 17 of your closest friends, and more than one of you is wearing face paint a la Heath Ledger in the Joker, and you are all wearing black, enjoy your hump day. I realize It’s gonna be tough fitting everyone into 7 categories, but lucky for us, 90 percent of this country is fucked up enough to fit into one of about 4 steroetype categories. This would give normal folks 3 days to go about their business. Not having to deal with the other 4 types would make us that much more productive, so a 3 day week is all we would need. Feel free to add any other categoies we may need, or even donate, time, money, or materials to make my zoo of idiots become a reality.

Oh yeah, if you are telling a four year old boy ‘Look more monkey’s” and someone corrects you that “they are actually ape’s”. Shouldn’t you be able to beat their ass without consequence?

Not so hot

So, the bengals firts teamers didn’t exactly blow things up. Oh well, it’s the preseason, and we have no rudi and no T.J. What we’ve seen so far looks to be a unit that hasn’t meshed. There have been plenty of little mistakes, and new guys not stepping up the way we need them to. All I care about is that my all bengals fantasy team racks up enough points to throw a wrench in the plans of all the fantasy geeks in my league. I do love when a guy talks shit about how smart he is for starting Ladanian Tomlinson. Nobody would have ever thought of drafting him. Two years ago, I won the whole league, just playing all bengals players. It rocked. There were some pissed off folks, to say the least. It just shows how pointless it all is, and how no actual skill or knowledge is needed for fantasy sports. I did see there was a betting line on tonights preseason game. I know preseason sucks, but it’s a football fix. At least this week we don’t have to deal with the hack monday night crew from ESPN. Last week, it was see who could kiss Brett Favre’s ass the longest. My original intention was to drink a beer every time his name was mentioned. I thought ESPN’s shitty announcers would have some credibillity, or shame. I was way wrong. I was four beers in the hole before I even opened my first, and my liver gave out in the first quarter. I realize Pussy Favrte in Green Bay was the biggest, most important era in mankind history. I didn’t realize it would require paying no attention to the game that was being played. At one point, they skipped an entire bengals offensive possesion, showing the final seconds of a failed third down attempt, and that was it. They just showed the talking head announcers, and played their thoughts on pussy favrte’s departure. I get it’s only preseason, I really do. As a Bengal fan, preseason games actually mean something. There’s a good chance quite a few of the dudes playing in scrub time will be atarting before the season ends. So, the faster i learn who they are, the faster I can convince myself they are going to make us awesome. (chinedum ndukwe, Marvin White, Glenn Holt, etc.) ESPN, you suck. Go do a contest to see who is more now, or where titletowm USA really is.

Another chinaman is going to win a gymnastics medal. Whoohooo! The thing that sucks about gymnastics, outside of the obvious, is that if you go last in an event, you pretty much can just not screw up, and you win. This dude took three flips out of his floor routine, just so he didn’t have to worry about screwing up. Gymnastics is really the only sport in which you can just milk a lead, and do nothing, and nobody can do anything about it. (I do not count golf as a sport, as no actual athletic skill is involved) In football, they can call timeouts, or try and strip the ball. In basketball, they can force you to the line, and hope you choke a la Memphis v Kansas. In Baseball, you still have to get three outs. In gymnastics, if you are near the top, and are going last, and everyone else screws up, all you have to do is not fuck up. You don’t even really have to do cool tricks, just do a vanilla routine, don’t fall on your ass, stay in bounds, and get a medal. Does anyone else see a problem with this? In the womens all-around the chinese infants never got within 10 feet of the edge on the floor routine, because the U.S had choked so bad, they had it wrapped up. Same thing tonight. The dude from goonies and Temple of doom, just dumbed down his routine, and got enough points to win. Make the leaders go first. Your sport already sucks. The mainstream public cares about you exactly once every four years. make it interesting.

Speaking of choke jobs. How about the U.S. chick gymnastic team’s choke job. How do you have theclear cut numbers 1 & 2 gymnasts in the world, and you can’t win it all in the team competition? Half the team was too hurt to compete. I already bitched about how the girls who came through in the clutch at the trials got shafted because they weren’t the big name athletes, so I’ll stay off that. Even though the reason you don’t give free passes to chicks who choke under pressure, is that they will have to perform under even more pressure in the olympics. The Ivy league chick, had to just not fuck it up bad enough to cost us the win, and that was waaay to hard for her. From here on out, she’s relegated to a life as a trivia question, and a competitor in the ever popular, Who Would You Rather Bang? Alicia Sacramone vs. Logan Tom

Alicia Sacramone, http://www.faniq.com/images/blog/Picture%2038(6).png was pretty much the reason we only got a silver in the team comp. You can’t argue that. What you can argue, is just how hot she really is. Being a few years older has given her a couple things most other gymnasts on’t have http://www.postchronicle.com/images/articles/alicia.jpg Being a gymnast, gives her an instant leg up in a competition such as this. see what I mean http://cache.viewimages.com/xc/78539543.jpg?v=1&c=ViewImages&k=2&d=17A4AD9FDB9CF1937BD9AD37E51F906E221655994D144D64284831B75F48EF45 

Logan Tom http://www.norceca.org/2007_Continentals%20Championships/Gallery%20Men/Logan%20Tom.jpg plays on the U.S. womens indoor volleyball team, but every once in a while heads to the beach. http://www.virginmedia.com/images/logan-tom.jpg Though she may have two dudes names, she’s all lady. http://www.somosvoley.com/galeria/albums/Calendarios/Logan_Tom.sized.jpg Rumor has it she knows a thing or two about balls.

A look ahead

So tonight, we have the I-75 showdown, sort of. The Bengals of Cincinnati, vs. the Lions of Detroit. Two teams with a lot of questions, from two cities with a lot of problems. One thing is for certain, tonight someone in one of these cities will be shot. The Bengals look to shore up some loose ends, and regain their playoff form. The lions look to go a full season without any coaches driving through the wendy’s drive thru drunk and naked. Both could be considered long shots. The bengals are going into the season on an impressive zero arrests streak. Will this be enough to account for no run defense? Can the Offensive line make it one whole game without falling apart this year? Only time will tell. Last year the boys in stripes lost too many games against teams they had no business losing to. Cleveland, Arizona, Seatle, Kansas City, and Buffalo, all sucked when it came right down to it, and all defeated the Bengals at least once. (enter asinine cleveland comments here:) I know “cleveland almost made the playoffs”. So did like 30 percent of the league. Teams that either lose to Oakland, or have QB’s named Derek Anderson aren’t playoff teams, and would have lost by 3 scores in the wildcard round. Last year it was injuries suffered in week one that decimated the offensive line, and made cincy one dimmensional (passing) which is impossible to overcome in the NFL. The linebackers went to shit shortly thereafter, and the bengals depended on scrap heap fill-ins to get by. One week, we had a rookie safety playing linebacker. Not exactly out of the Vince Lombardi playbook there. Having no line meant no running game, which meant teams used 6 DB’s against a sure to pass bengal squad, and still got to palmer with a 3 man rush. Chris Perry has decided he’s actually gonna try and play this year. That could help. Rudi has regained the weight he lost an offseason ago, that could help. Little tweaks here, and there, are going to have to be enough for this squad, as no major splashes were made in the offseason. Merely making the playoffs is the gaol this season. Lining up against teams like Indy, San Diego, and New England in January could be pretty embarrasing for the boys from cincy, unless BALCO has taken over the strength and conditioning of the bengals defense. All I care about is this. beat Cleveland twice, pittsburgh once, and don’t fuck up the rest. Honestly, having an offensive line is the difference between 9-7, and 7-9, when you have 5 pro bowlers on offense.

For the lions, last year was a mixed bag. Kitna made bold predictions, which were actualy within reach (10 wins). Calvin Johnson has looked good this summer, and could be the edge to get to the playoffs. Like the Bengals, they lost too many games they could have won, and had no chance against the real contenders. With Pussy Favrte gone, the NFC north is up fro grabs, and I expect the lions to be realing it in. Keeping guys healthy can make sure this happens. Like Cincy, just making the post season should be the goal, with no real shot at glory.

We’ll see…

money part II

So we’re getting ready to finish off the 1oo meters. I gotta say I can’t agree with the U.S. approach at winning this thing. It’s got nothing to do with injuries, or speed killing dreadlocks. My problem, is we were hanging all our hopes on guys named Gay and Dix. Does anyone else see a problem with this? Jamaica has a dude running named Bolt. We pretty much own a continent. Nothing against Canada and mexico, but they kinda suck at sports not played on ice or in a cock fighting ring. Can’t we find a couple fast dudes with cooler names. Nebraska at the height of their shittiness the last few years had a dude named thunder. Is there no wy we could pump that dude ful of enough BALCO juice to make him super fast? Nobody’s gonna take down Jamaica’s Bolt, and that’s fine. that dudes the most impressive runner since Babe Diedrickson did the hurdles topless. How many people even live in jamaica, that aren’t high? Pure stats show we should have at least a few thousand fast people with cool names, so how did we end up with a bunch of gay dix? (O.K. Bolt just smoked everyone, and he didn’t even run hard all the way)

I could be setting a personal record for most olympics watched on this one. Losing the swimming and gymnastics will hurt, but track and ping pong will get me through it. Bud light Lime will also help, as I try to close it out with over 300 hours logged. HD t.v. has also taken this to a new level. before I’d see a chick, and say “hey, she’s kinda hot” Now I know for sure if she is hot or not, which is crucial in this day and age. The big name events have all been in HD, but NBC needs to step up, and get CNBC, and USA and the lesser networks to bring it home in HD as well. I may be watching water polo at 4 a.m. lets make sure it’s in HD.

China is really hanging around in the medal count, and that’s fine. The difference is, most everyone ese sent athletes there who chose to be there. I saw a clip on NBC of the prison camp for young gymnasts china has set up. Basically they drive around cities and small villages, looking for little boys and girls who fit their desired mold, and throw them in a sack, and drive them away. They had a long row of bunk beds lining each side of a hall, each mattress had 4 or 5 little kids laid out across them. Sure China is developing an army of stellar athletes who all will read at a 2nd grade level once they retire, but then what. What do they do with the kid who pees his pants until he’s 14? What about the kid who bites other kids? Some of these kids will someday be olympians with the chance to sneak off and defect after a meet in a real country. What about the others. Isn’t China screwed up enough? Adding an army of kids whose only skill is back handsprings to an already over populated nation will be their downfall. It’s not just the slave orphanages either. Did anyone see the Chinese “womens” gymnastics team? Those hoes were like 12 at the most. the other countries athletes could go to bed at night dreaming of waking up with pubes, not those chicks. All they have to look forward to is a life of stunted growth, and their future in the chinese sex slave industry. Lucky for them, china at least has standards, and won’t do that until they are at least 17, which is a long way off.

Michael Phelps is one bad mo-fo. I think it’s safe to say he’s the greatest ever. This dude has made swimming must see t.v. Because of him, I’ve forgotten how bad my reds suck. I’ve been able to ignore the rumors of chris henry coming back to the bengals. I owe this dude a lot. Tomorow, I’m going to the pool, and before I go, I’m gonna go buy one of those new speedo suits he wears. I thought about going with the full body suit, just so I’d stand out. I may end up going with the pants only suit, just to make my beer gut look that much sexier. What’s up with this Ian thorpe bastard? Why is a retired swimmer talking shit? First off he’s Ausralian, so he’s legally retarded in the U.S. Secondly, he’s retired, which means he can either become a swim coach at a YMCA or go to porn. All he can ever claim, is that he was almost as awesome as Michael Phelps. What does life have in store for Michael Phelps now? Sure he can keep swimming, he’s clearly in his prime. Other than quick sportscenter clips when he breaks some world record at a meet noody cares about, his time in the spotlight is almost over. I know he’ll only be 27, and could still win some medals at the 2012 games, but it’s time to move on. Being diversified is the smart way to go in this uncertain economy. This dude needs to go out for receiver for the Ravens. He’s from there, and he’s moving back, plus he’s a huge fan. He’s tall, and he’s got to be fast, plus he has huge hands. Am I the only one who sees how easilly this could be pulled off? It’s not like he needs to lear how to make shoestring catches, or dive across the middle. just run a post, and Troy Smith will put it there on the money. As a Bengal fan, I’ll have no problem if the bengals lose because the ravens scored a last minute TD as Mike Phelps toasted Leon Hall on a 60 yard pass from Troy Heisman. I may even stab someone in Ray Lewis’ honor if this does happen.

Money

So incase anyone is keeping score. My Olympic predictions have been dead on so far, with the exception of the U.S. mens gymnasts, but who cares about those dudes anyway. Nastia pulled it off over shawn johnson, The “redeem” team is on a roll, and the golden boy Mike phelps, is still a freak of nature. I’m hoping people are starting to take notice, and I expect to be in the backroom of a vegas hotel surrounded by hookers and mob guys handicapping the 2012 olympics. Theres still a lot more to go, but this has truly been an olympics for the ages. I gotta say Bolt is gonna smoke the 100 meters. A skinny dude will win the mens marathon, and nobody will care about the stepelchase. We’ll see soon enough…

Endless talent

This olympics WWYRB thing could go on forever. The more I watch, the hotter they seem to get. I’ve also noticed countless websites dedicated to aiding my search for the hottest olympian. Just when I think the search is over, they trump me, and show me yet another foreign hottie. It’s not just the hot chicks that are making this olympics so remarkable. There’s of course the panda bears, who with the help of humans, seem to be battling all the natural selection theories. There’s Michael Phelps, who continues to amaze die hard olympic fans such as myself. theres the Gymanstics teams from the U.S.A. I was wrong, they got a medal, with just the one buckeye. They did have an astronauts kid, which I was unaware of, and apologize to my readers for not knowing this. That was the perfect oppurtunity to win back all that money anyone lost on taking my advice to bet on a Reds/Royals world series. The womens team, is still pissing me off. I consider myself a pretty good gymnastics handicapper, and know enough about the sport, and the scoring to be an honorary gay dude. You see at the trials, the chicks who won, didn’t actually make the team, we had a training camp afterwards to determine this. So, if the chicks we really wanted on the team choked at the trials (some did) they could still make the team. meaning, the clutch performers were delegated to Cirque du solei, or strip clubs. Now the women are still in contention, but had there fair share of chokes. lets see if you can make it up to me tonight ladies.

The olympics has also had it’s fair share of drama. that swimming relay race was friggin sweet, and france again looked like a bunch of assholes. We have regained the medal lead, with all the track events yet to come. China is still hanging around, but after carefull study of both nations athletes during the opening ceremonies, I realized exactly why we would capture the total medals crown. (Note: Not Racist if true) We have one thig most of these countries don’t have. We brought a secret weapon. Is it shoes? Is it specail swimsuits? Is it that post workout crink that Brady Quinn takes? No. No. and hell No. It’s Black chicks. We brought a shitload, and china has none. Being a nation that encourages female participation in sports, and often rewards financially, has given us a stable full of athletes second to none. Sure china will get some medals in diving, and what not. But we’ll dominate the track events with our stellar athletes white and black. One thing that a lot of the countries did bring however, is hot chicks. I’ve pointed out some chinese ones, and some crazy looking weightlifter chick, but tonight, I have a speacial treat. So without further delay, here is tonights olympic ‘Who Would You Rather Bang?’ line up.

The heavy hitters tonight, may be the hottest we’ve seen so far. So we’ll do them first.

Stephanie Rice, is a swimmer from the land down under. http://profile.ak.facebook.com/object2/1052/118/l23917998736_8006.jpg  If you’re worried about getting prune fingers, relax, she does come up for air from time to time, and she cleans up rather nicely. http://cache.viewimages.com/xc/71737766.jpg?v=1&c=ViewImages&k=2&d=17A4AD9FDB9CF193CC300C081D9F4700C44BCB4098C8251B377F616B0AFCCF02A55A1E4F32AD3138 She’s not just all looks, she has won her fair share of races as well. http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/olympics/images/attachement/jpg/site1/20080810/0013729e45180a08a2504d.jpg Watch what you do around her though, she does like to play the bad cop. http://www.somebodythinkofthechildren.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/04/steph_rice_police_officer.jpg YES!

I noticed her opponent during the opening ceremonies. One because I forgot paraguay was still a country, and two, well because… http://sports.yahoo.com/olympics/beijing/blog/fourth_place_medal/post/The-mystery-of-the-hot-Paraguayan-solved-?urn=oly,99910 See what I mean. She can break a few hearts, and impale them as well. She’s a javelin chucker, so proceed with caution. http://lh3.ggpht.com/_nejs1cBXmn0/RrjYJ20LySI/AAAAAAAABI4/_7stJsPUQDg/las+del+uni+023.jpg Leryn Franco is her name, and she’s done some modeling as well. http://www.faniq.com/images/blog/Franco%202.jpg I may have to take down my Transformers calendar for that one. A hot chick is always a plus. A hot chick with a spear, is fantastic. http://cache.daylife.com/imageserve/08tNcxi2GL1KL/340x.jpg  

Rounding things out tonight, is a bit of an anomally. No country seems to want to claim our final opponent. She hails from maybe italy? I think she’s a shot putter, but she may just be a giant, that is struggling to learn bowling. http://www.repubblica.it/2006/05/gallerie/sport/lancio-del-peso/reuters124466420803142953_big.jpg Either way, I felt she needed to be in here, just in case anyone is in to that.

Good luck with the voting, there’ll be more to come.

WWYRB goes Olympic

It’s time to take this thing to the next chapter.  Instead of the usual chatter about my daily life, the reds in turmoil, or pulled pork sandwiches (which I spent the whole day making). I thought I’d go strictly with what I’m good at. The Who Would you rather bang, the olympic version. I think since the spirit of competition is best displayed during these games, I’ll do one every night. Sure We still have to cover the Bengals preseason opener against the Pack. Sure we still have to talk about my homemade pulled pork recipe. But for now, lets start off a full slate of “Who Would You Rather Bang?” Since I’ve been watching Olympics pretty much non-stop, with the exception of a few hours driving to and from cincy, I’ve been able to catch some pretty eye opening views of athletes from around the world. Many of these athletes are worth banging, and it’s time we found out which ones they are.

Up first, may be the scariest “female” I have ever laid eyes on. Does she look like Halle Berry? No. Does she look like John Bellushi’s samari character from old school SNL? Yes. http://au.sports.yahoo.com/olympics/countries/photos/zoom/-/4878838/BLR?p=2 Nastassia Novikova, or something like that. http://au.sports.yahoo.com/olympics/countries/photos/zoom/-/4878766/BLR?p=2 neither pic really does him/her justice. The raging muscles, angry stare, and neck acne, can really only be sen in HD, which is where I ran across her, as she finished third in chick weightlifting. http://au.sports.yahoo.com/olympics/countries/photos/zoom/-/4878766/BLR?p=2 She did not take it well. But by belarussian standards, she’s pretty do-able.

Her oponent Freddy Adu, take sus back across the pond, but may shop in the same uderwear section. http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/Image:FreddyAdu_20060614.jpg Freddy first gained fame as the youngest american to turn pro in soccer, and has been quietly improving his game on the world stage. Earlier today, he got fucked by the system when he was driving in for a goal, and a goalie slid headfirst into his foot. Apparently there is no such thing as incidental contact in soccer. The goalie was on the verge of death, as freddy got his second yellow card (which means he misses the next game, but could stil finish the one in which he was playing? WTF soccer?) Luckilly the goalie was able to pull through, and be completely healed within minutes. Did anyone know the netherlands had black people?

Rd. 2  Chinas own Xue Chen, http://www.nancarrow-webdesk.com/warehouse/storage2/2007-w45/img.60069_t.jpg who is amazingly hot in HD, or crappy regular t.v. http://www.nancarrow-webdesk.com/warehouse/storage2/2007-w45/img.60069_t.jpg  She’s a beach volleyball player for the red team, http://www.pbase.com/guillaume/image/83091786 and she could make Ronald Reagan convert to socialism. The pics just don’t do her justice, you really need to tune in to the beach volleyball http://www.pbase.com/guillaume/image/64549180 She’s just one of a plethora of tall tanned hotties that this amazing sport has to offer, such as her challenger…

Kerri Walsh is a powerfull tower of hottness on the sand court. http://www.sports-wired.com/women/showPhoto.asp?ID=573 Not only does she look fine, but she dominates her domain. The defending champ can take you out from any angle http://www.bartelt.org/vb/players/hmcpeak/hmcpeak-05-hr-2681.jpg Beach Volleyball is my new favorite sport. I just hope we can have an all-hot gold medal game.

and finally, not to leave the ladies out, I’ll send one your way, but dudes should vote as well.

Brian Mcbride, made soccer in columbus popular, it could have also been dollar brat nights (definition of popular is debatable). Either way, he developed a fan base very quickly. http://membres.lycos.fr/Psycobride/bmb/ his agressive play, and lack of shirts, http://www.kickette.com/index.php?/site/comments/brian_mcbride_abs_leggings_america/ helped slow the transistion of thousands of borderline lesbian soccer players. The seasoned veteran of team USA has shed more than just shirts over the years http://www.sfgate.com/blogs/images/sfgate/sportsevents/2006/06/19/wcup19_mcbride276×366.jpeg and he may end up looking a lot worse than after his opponent gets done with him

Bella Karolyi, takes shit from nobody. He gained fame after he killed captain kangaroo, just for looking like him. http://cache.viewimages.com/xc/72359799.jpg?v=1&c=ViewImages&k=2&d=17A4AD9FDB9CF193875DCB1DD8387ABB80468529B03095B6A40A659CEC4C8CB6 Now he is the behind the scenes mastermind at team USA gymnastics, whose members may make it into this competition soon enough.

Let the voting begin.

Buenos Dias, shithead

The Adam Dunn saga, is no more. The reds have traded (waiver) Adam Dunn to arizona, for some dude with a stapled together elbow, and I think the reds came out on top. Now the difficult decision as to please a retarded fanbase, or cut loose a syphilitic turd who can’t hit .24 or play defense, or advance a runner, or bat vs. a left handed pitcher, is no longer a question. Now the reds don’t have to worry about the 40% of jackass reds fans that think solo home runs are a sure way to winning it all, nor do they have to worry about a 13 million dollar option. If you are a reds fan, and you are reading this, be happy. Just fill your hole with delicious skyline coney’s, and relax. Teams can win without clumsy, left handed power hitters, who crumble when runners are on base. In fact, few MLB teams have ever won a world series on solo home runs alone. The reds goals for next season should be simple. Be good at one thing, and go from there. Wether it be, starting pitching, the bullpen, defense, hitting for average, or scoring runs, just try and be good at one. Then, try to be good at 2 the next year, then three, and so on, and so on. You see reds fans, this is how good teams work. We’ll never drop 80 mills in the offseason on guys like K-Rod, or C.C., but we can be like the Rays, or the twins, and build a solid team, on pitching, defense, and avg. through young talent. Gone are the days of asking “How’d the reds do?” only to get the response “lost 7-4, but Dunn homered”. Now the response may just be, “lost 7-3″. But we’ll take it. That fat sack-o-crap, and his 45 home runs a year is holding has held this club back. Imagine being married to an ugly, abusive, foul mouthed whore, who never cooks, cleans, and goes out all night with her friends. But she has big boobs. You show up to meet your friends with bruises and cigarrette burns all over your body. Your friend asks, “dude what happened” Your reply is, “she beat me again, but she has big boobs”. Big Boobs and Big Homers, aren’t always the answer. Neither makes the whole package. yes, like bug boobs, home runs are nice, but it takes so much more. Yes Dunn may lead the league in homers, and I hope he does. It’s nice to be good at one thing. For the reds to ever make to to .500, let alone the post season, they’ll need a guys who can make plays in the field, guys who can pitch, and guys who can move runners over, or bring them in. Dunn, can’t do any, and often is left out of the lineup against lefty’s, if at all possible. Can you name any hall of famers who can’t play, because the oposing pitcher is left handed, and he hits .112 against those guys? Move on folks. Yes the guys we got for Griff, and Dunn will be worthless. Yes we will be the worst team in baseball this year. yes most of those blow-out games will be one run worse, without dunns solo homer. But we’ll be better for it, in the long run. If anyone is reading this, and is married to an ugly, abusive, foul-mouthed whore, with big boobs, and beats them, it all depends on two things. Does she have money? And, how big ar her boobs?

Let The Games Begin!

So here we are. The Olympics are back. The eye’s of all of China, and the entire world have turned to Beijing. Now’s the time to strike Mongolia. I bet there’s only like 12 or so dudes max, watching that wall. This is the moment you’ve been waiting for, don’t let me down. Ever since I was a young girl, I’ve adored the Olympics, in every form. From watching fat war veterans carry the torch across your hometown, to the closing ceremonies, I’ve been tuning in. I generally log a few hundred hours of olympic viewing during each of the games. Through the years I’ve grown pretty talented at judging everything from the outfits in the opening ceremonies, to the crappy anthems during the awards ceremonies. Though the summer games get all the hype, personally, I’m a winter games man. Most of the summer sports are completely unreachable for mere mortals like myself. The winter ones, can be done at a competitive level, with little or no practice. You may say “I could do ping pong”. Well you are wrong my friends. I’ve played a korean dude in ping pong once. They make forest gump look like a special olympian. We all may be able to swim, run, dive, wrestle nude with other men, or shoot guns. We’ve all shot basketballs, rode a horse, paddled a boat, or played softball with a bunch of lebo’s. The olympic level of talent in these fields is unreal, and should be treated with awe. the winter game’s on the other hand, could be pulled off by just about anyone, with merely a few weeks of training. The downhill skiiers may set world records, but if you just get trashed, and point your ski’s downhill, and haul ass, you’ll likely finish better than some of the shitty countries. Same with bobsled, and luge. In fact, most winter olympic sports could be done while drinking, and often are. Curling is obviously the biggest example of my point. How else would this sport have even came about, if not for booze, or canadian inbreeding? I figure 6 hours of practice gets you to olympic caliber. You may have noticed the U.S. womens curling team has a pair of hot twins, and a fat chick. I tried to join the columbus curling association, but they were all buttholes who acted like I was just some idiot caught up in olympic fever, and, they never called me back. I think they were worried I would smoke them in curling, or throw up on the ice. As far as the summer games go, unless they make cornhole an olympic sport, all we have is race walking. This could be the easiest of all sports. Basically you walk kinda fast. Again, this is where the booze comes in. I figure, if you just drink 6 maybe 7 beers, without breaking the seal, and then start the race. By the time the race is over, you’ll have to pee so bad, you’ll be un-stoppable. So start training, i may even be willing to sponsor some folks in the race walking trials in 4 years. I also noticed a bunch of countries only have a few athletes. Aruba only has two. How can this be? I’m going to personally volunteer to join team Aruba, and am available to move there at a moments notice. I’m thinking being the first Arubian olympian in the modern equestrian will make me their version of Jesse Owens. It’s your move Aruba. All I need is a horse, and some training beer, and I’m on the next plane. But since these games are under way. I thought I’d lend a few pointers on what to watch for during the beijing summer olympics.

1. A common misconception, is that the swimming events will have some hot chicks. Wrong. Most of them are jacked up on steroids, and have smaller boobs than anyone reading this. Some are not bad at all, the problem is, many wear the full body suits, and look like space travelers in a sci-fi movie. As far as the sports with swimsuits go, diving is the key. Tall slender chicks with toned bodies is the norm here. The only down fall, besides the lack of bikinis, is the fact that the bigger the boobs, the bigger the splash, so no juggs in this sport. Maybe in the beer olympics.

2. The gymanstics team is pretty well fucked. Ohio State was ready for a banner olympics, but now both Hamm brothers are out. the good news is, we still have one buckeye gymnast left. He’s and indian dude, but he’s still a buckeye. Not to racial steriotype, but indians aren’t known for their athleticism, so as far as the all-around goes, he has no chance. Again, not to racially stereotype but, since he is Indian, and a lot of convenience store clerks are indian, and they get robbed a lot, and have to jump over the counter to either hide, or fight back, I’m thinking he’s gonna rock the pommel horse. Go Raj! As far as the women go, Shawn Johnson may have won a world title, but our most hyped gymnasts usualy flop, and not in the good way. The real cash cow here is the semi russian chick. Both her parents were russian gymnasts, she’s a gold mine. And she’s not too bad on the eyes either.

3. You may ask yourself, “Is it wrong to think the female gymnasts are hot, when they are so small” Of course not. Relax guys, everyone does it, it’s o.k. In fact guys who think these chicks are hot, have had to hide their opinions for too long. Come on out and celebrate. As far as 4 ft. 6 inch chicks go, they don’t get much hotter than the gymnasts. Now most have no boobs, but once they realize that huge cans will make them be able to flip more times in the air, falsies will be all the rage. What could be better than hot small athletic chicks with big store bought boobs? I see the future of this sport, and it is good. Now as far as the ones that look like they are 12, it is wrong to think they are hot. Hold off until they are 19 and are buying drugs from Elida grads, then make your move.

4. Do the commy countries really torture their olympians who fail? Yes. In fact, part of the fun of these games will be waiting to see the chinese, and north korean athletes bring shame to their countries. That used to be part of the fun of watching the USSR or East german teams fail. Now it’s countries like China, and North Korea. Watching someones dreams go down the tubes after years of hard work can be sad. Watching this happen to somebody who knows their family is about to be shipped off to work in a dogshit factory, is priceless. Losing the chance to defect in the host country will make these games that much better.

5. Is Dara Torres really a great story? Only if you work for Balco. I know she’s like 62, and has kids, and stuff, but come on, has anyone seen this chick. She looks like a calvin klein underwear model. The dude underwear kind. I really hope she is clean, and I hope she wins, but in this day and age, error on the side of caution. I can think of 3 other athletes who were better at age 41, than they were at age 31. Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens, and Ron Jeremy. Unless she has a huge wang, she’s on the juice. But go get em Dara. If you are clean, my hat is off to you. If not, part of the game is staying one step ahead of the testing, much like Bonds and clemens did…for a while.

6. Can Michael Phelps win 8 golds? He has no choice. Yes. This dude is a freak of nature, and can do no wrong. Plus, he is a michigan grad, so he has no diploma to fall back on. 8 golds is his only chance.

7. Will Brett Favre be participating? Luckilly no. Although word was he had attempted to arrange a trade to Uzbekistan, to be on their water polo team, the jets blocked it. So we have 2 weeks or so of basically not having to hear about him, which may be the best thing about the summer games. I’m counting on this being my “away time” from ole Pussy Favrte, so don’t screw it up Bob Costas.

8. Will team USA bring home the gold in mens basketball, and can we win the medal count? Yes, and Yes. Lebron and Company aren’t messing around this time. China has really strict chidbirth laws, you have to have a permit. This should really kill the NBA players mojo. Though fathering illegitiamte kids may be their specialty, paperwork is not. No permit, no babies. So no horseplay means solid gold for the redeem team. As far as the medal count goes, we can’t be stopped. We compete in almost every sport, and actually have good athletes in all of them. Plus a lot of the other countries don’t have women athletes. The USA chicks will dominate these backwards bastards, and help set the curve. Being at the forefront of the steroid and HGH industry just gives us that much more of a boost. We finish with 8 more golds than the next country, and 17 overall. USA!