Neil down

In the past week or so, Columbus OH has been the mecca, of the greatest musical acts of all time. I was unable to go to either, and I’m struggling to forgive myself. First, the Jonas brothers came into town. Nary an extra ticket was to be found. I actually have no idea who or waht the Jonas brothers are. I don’t know if they actually sing songs, or shoot ping pong balls out of their man-holes. All I know is from what I saw on one of the 9,000 news stories about them the week of their show, they looked pretty gay. Even so, if 12 year old girls like it, it has to be good, right? I almost googled them, but then righted the ship by punching myself in the groin. The real big ticket, was none other than Neil Diamond. ‘They come to America’ came to columbus, and I missed it as well. It would have actually been fairly sweet to go to a neil diamond concert, just so I could say, “yeah, I got pretty fucked up at the Neil Diamond concert last night”. Consider that an oppurtunity lost. Their is one glimmer of hope though. Apparently, Neil sucked so bad, he may do a make-up show in C-bus. From what I saw on the news, he sucked real bad. The one fat retard news anchor was visibly upset. This was clearly supposed to be the greatest night of the news dude’s life, and Neil Diamond blew it. According to reports, his voice sounded like a mix between stevie nix, and the old lady from goonies. No ammount of chest hair, or old ladies underwear can make up for a shitty voice. I did find an apology from Neil on his website (which I check religiuosly). here it is.

MESSAGE FROM NEIL TO COLUMBUS FANS

Dear Fans in Columbus,
Please give me a few days to figure out a way to make it up to you. I havenÂ’t let you down before and I wont let you down now. Until you hear from me again remember, You are the sun. I am the moon. You are the words. I am the tune. Forgive me. I love you. Neil.
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What a pimp. Gotta hand it to the guy, he knows how to make a town feel special. I was ready to join the angry mob, but nobody’s ever called me the sun before. Do you think that he meant that for just the people who went to the concert, or everyone in columbus? If he meant everyone, this pretty much cancels out the finishing 2nd in everything fiasco. Yeah we may have been the third fattest city in america a few years back, but’s that’s cause we’re the sun. The obesity helps the whole gravitational pull thing. When neil Diamond comes back to columbus, you can find me front and center, and you can bet on it, that my panties will be the first ones to get tossed onto stage.