slipping away
August 22, 2008
When did we start to suck at track? I know, nobody would have been able to beat usain Bolt in either the 100 or the 200 meters. That dude was running 29 mph at his top speed, meaning, if he were to go running past a school, or hospital, he would get a speeding ticket. The only time a human has ran faster, was that time I chased down the froggy 93 ambulance, and punched it’s door. Historians have estimated my top speed around 34 mph, fueled mainly on rage, and captain morgan, I was haulin ass. The U.S. team, has been a dissapointment on the track. Some of it was losing seasoned vets to steroid suspensions, some was nobody bothered to teach us to pass a baton. Either way, the normally dominant U.S. team is fading fast. Why is it we can’t pass a baton? I know it’s wet, but some pretty shitty countries were able to pull it off. For the past few years we’ve had some big name track stars, Gatlin, montgomery, Jones etc get busted for using roids, and HGH. Most were caught long after the fact. Meaning, they had figured out a way to beat the testing at the time of their races, which they won. Didn’t anyone think to ask them of a way to “beat” the system as far as baton passing goes. No special gloves, or glue, or funny looking tape? I’m pretty dissapointed, we can’t pass a little baton. High School football is about to start this weekend. At these games you will see the high school bands perform, including the usually fat baton twirlers. These fat chicks toss the baton way up in the air, often catching it, on the way down. hy can fat white girls do it, but not trained athletes. At London 2012 we need all our track stars to be oozing HGH, testosterone, roofies, whatever else, and something to get us to grab a damn piece of plastic. I bet if we hid some viles of clean urine in the baton, not only would we be able to pass it properly, we’d do it so the judges won’t see it.
This morning I awoke to the alarm. The retarded F.M. D.J’s were talking about the womens beach volleyball, and the bikinis they wear. All day long, various stations, and web sites were debating wether or not the women athletes should “have” to wear the bikinis. These buttholes need to get over themselves, quick. This is not Iran, our women don’t “have” to do anything. They can choose to play this sport, and they have. Why do we need fat house wives trying to decide if they should wear the bikin’s? Has anyone asked the athletes? Those two americans are far and away the biggest names in their sport, they are incredible, and dominating. I’m sure they have some pull with whatever governing body runs beach volleyball. If they had issues with the bikini’s, and they spoke up, I’m guessing someone would listen. Why does everyone feel the need to “save” everyone else. This is america, we don’t need saving, especially famous athletes at the top of their field. Besides, these fat women who are complaining are likely the same ones who complain about the effects of the media, and celebrities driving young girls to eating dissorders, and feeling self conscious about their bodies. These women don’t look like Paris Hilton, Kate Moss, or even pamela Anderson. They are fit, healthy, and beautiful. Whats wrong with showing it off? Shouldn’t we be embracing it? Let their be bikini’s I say. Even though it wasn’t the chinese team with the hottie, and they didn’t wear the bikini’s I suggested, it was an amazing game. And it wasn’t all because the participants were hot.
Lately I’ve been doing some college football previews, as we are merely a week away from starting the season. I’m going to hold off on doing an ACC, Big-12, PAC-10, and Big east preview, since really nobody cares. Outside of USC, and oklahoma, those teams have no chance. Texas Tech is always a must watch game, and crabtree will be a sweet bengal. Instead of wasting time on these confrences, I’ve decided to create a whole new segment. I shall call it, “Great Moments in Tailgating History” It’s basically just stories about drinking at sporting events, often times with hillarious, embarrassing, or incriminating results. Feel free to throw in some stories from around the globe, about your greatest tailgating moments. The first installment will be launched over the weekend.
It’s time for Team USA to start training in some Gomer Track & Field Day events, including the stork stand, wheelbarrow race, jump rope contest and the “around the baseball diamond” distance run.
October, 2000- West Lafayette, Indiana. A struggling OSU team travels to Purdue to take on the Big Ten champs led by senior QB Drew Brees. OSU was in the last year of the Cooper regime led by Shithead Steve Bellisari. The game turns into a shootout as Adam gets Scott and I tickets in the Purdue student section. That entire game i had everything served from the concession stand dumped or thrown at me as well as a pack of cigarettes. Before the game some fag tries to intimidate me by saying “you’ve never seen a football game until you’ve been to Ross-Ade stadium.” I quickly reminded him we can fit three Ross-Ades in the ’shoe. Just when i throw recycled stuff that had been thrown at me at a Purdue fan thinking OSU’s defense would hold for the final series, Brees goes deep on third-and-long for a TD and Retard Shteve calls the snap out of shotgun as the motion man passes center, causing the fumble that would give Purdue the game. I immediately hung my head in shame and headed for the exit. The tailgating was held in Adam’s dorm room and started at 9 AM for a 4:00 game. We took a break to head to Burger King where Vince Koza stood in line behind us and ordered four bags worth of Whoppers. I think he had a whopper-eating contest with Todd Walker, loser had to stay sober and not wear something that said Cleveland Browns. After the game we toured the parties on campus, where Scott began his habit of stealing stuff from every party he goes to and smashing lawn chairs on a random frat house lawn. The night before the streets were packed with OSU fans, the purdue fans did not even appear until ten minutes before the game when the came out of the woodwork, or better yet, outhouse shed in the woods.
I agree with you about the bikinis Chris. We should embrace strong athletic bodies. Plus, what the fat house ladies should be bitching about is the fact that the men were forced to wear shirts for the Olympics when they normally play bare chested. How unfair! We want to see some rack hard abs. Also, the next day, the amazing two where taking in the men’s game in … none other than bikinis, worn completely by their own choice. Now, the fact that the photographers and video cameras are always zooming in on their asses while playing…different story. Also, what is up with the wierd cheerleaders only at the VBALL competitions?
do what I did in high school; pretend the baton is a cock and squeeze like hell……
First – Hannah, what are “rack hard” abs. Rack hard sounds painful. Second – joe jitsu has got something there, though instead of training in those “events”, the US Olympic Committee should be lobbying to make them Olympic events in 2012 -why not there was Olympic Trampoline this year and BMX – alternative sports are the new rage.