Chris has AIDS?

So remember my rants about the Poison Ivy? Well I’ve been keeping a little secret from all of you. It’s back. In fact it was back two days after, the first prescription ran out. Then I got more roids. Then it came back again. It’s back all over, in full force. I called the doctor, trying to get more steroids, and he must have thought I was just some junkie trying to get a score. This pisses me off, since i already had to pay the insurance co-pay once. Pay the co-pay on two prescriptions of steroids, plus like thirty some dollars worth of calomine, and endless ammounts of supositories. This is getting to be the most expensive case of poison ivy of all time. Seeing as how it’s the same problem I went in for the first time, why should I pay again. At my work, we get paid to do it once. If we fuck up, it’s on us. If i pay someone to mow my yard, and he leaves part way through, I don’t pay him again to come back and finish. So anywhoo, The Doc was pretty surprised to find the Ivy had defeated his girlie steroids. In fact, I threw him completely off hs game, he was flustered, and left the room for a period of time. Either to get high, or consult webMD.com. When he returned, he said he was going to beef up the steroids. I got a new prescription, but decided to take matters into my own hands, and buy some High performance steroids off the internet, from this sweet assed North Korean online pharmacy. Thanks Al Gore! I also did some internet sleuthing. Apparently the side effects from prolonged use of the type of steroids I’ve been using, has some side effects. They include, Jitteriness, Insomnia, Headaches, and bloating. Check, Check, Check, and double check. Although I’ve had all those symptons my entire life, it’s good to have an excuse. He also decided, that since my poison ivy, has lasted more than twice what all the medical experts say it should last, and seems to be resistant to all he can throw at it, there may be some other issues going on. Mainly with my imune system. He said he was most concerned about my Kidney function (no biggie, Baby Jesus gave me two of those), and my Liver (OH Fuck). So After he gave me my prescription, the nurse (not Hot) came in, and drew some blood. She took 3 big viles of blood, and said they’d get back to me with the results. Other than the sweet buzz from losing a pint of blood, it was a waisted trip. On a side note. Despite drinking several gallons of Lime flavored Bud Light, Bourbon, and a lot of fried food, and pork. I’m 5 pounds lighter than I was 4 weeks ago. So when I got home, I did some internet research, on why my body no longer can fight off the most harmless of infections. I’m not a doctor, but I did used to tell girls at bars I was in med school, which had mixed results. However, this fake medical career has taught me how to diagnose all sorts of shit. It’s down to 3 finalists. Menopause, Diabetes, and AIDS. Theres still the off chance I just have the worst case of poison ivy of all time, but the smart money is on AIDS. In which case, I really need to get a hold of my Middle school gym teacher, so he can get tested too. The good news is, I have that sweet band-aid on the elbow pit, you get when you give blood. I’m going to shower with my arm in a garbage sack, just to keep the band-aid in pristine condition, and then make everyone think I donated blood for a good cause. Surely someone will buy me a beer then. In the mean time, try and raise as much money as possible to help my cause. I’m not gonna pretend I’ll put it to a good cause, or use it for medical care. I’ll blow it all on beer, combos, and Indiana Jones Hats, but hey. I deserve to go all out. I may have AIDS. My name is Chris, and I’m a survivor.

On another note. I’ll be starting a college football preview soon. And, of course bringing back another fun filled round of the who would you rather bang game.