Eye of the storm

(Note: this blog was originally slated to be posted while I was away. I have since updated it, since I wasn’t able to post anything while I was away)

Apparently the first Hurricane of the season is a bust. It is forecasted to hit some island with no baseball players, and then putter out in the atlantic. We have a trip scheduled to the east coast soon, and I view this with mixed emotions. As a new father, taking your child into harms way may be a poor choice. But I’ve always wanted to see a huricane. Being there at ground zero would allow me to scratch a few things off my bucket list, such as kicking Anderson Cooper, or Geraldo Rivera in the nuts. Dylan has been a good sport so far, and I’m sure he’d love to see a huricane. Not a huge one, just enough of a storm so he could brag about it one day. Plus, this would give him a sweet opening line with the young girls at daycare. Just when they think that kid with the Go Diego Go! lunchbox is hot shit. Bam! Here comes huricane boy. I have first hand knowledge of how tales of bravery can boost ones status with the ladies. My story about escaping death from the Playboy stealing black bear of the greater gomer area, scored me plenty of wild nights, with some sympathetic ladies. Leonardo DiCrappio has been milking this female response ever since Titanic. A huricane would also give me a chance to kick start my looting career. Imagine all the wonderful things the storefronts of Myrtle beach could offer a crazed post storm looter. I could finally get that “who farted” beach towel I’ve been jonesing for. All my christmas shopping for my brother would be done. He was eyeing that, ‘Tell your boobs to stop staring at my eyes’ shirt, and the ‘free mustache rides’ ball hat all week. I’m not wishing any major destruction on anyone, just a little entertainment. I’ve already seen a partial tornado this year, I’d like to go for two and see a huricane. Maybe next time. Apparently there is another storm in the works, and they named it Elida. No major damage is expected, but reports indicate it’s either gonna be a bull dyke lebian in a warm-up suit, or it’s going to have sex with high school kids. Early forecasts indicate it will suck at sports, and spelling as well. I’d really like a good huricane to be named after me. A few years ago there was a tropical depression christopher, but the letter C is going to get slotted way too early in the year to do any real damage. this is why I need all of you to do as much environmental damage as possible. Global Warming may just be a myth, and scam at this point, but if we all chip in, it can be a real issue. If we can get the earth hot enough, Huricanes in May can be a real possibillity. So buy everything aerosol, from here on out. Leave your car running all day, and all night. In fact, buy an extra car, and leave both running. If you use the AC, have the windows down also. I could just change my name to one of the middle letters I-R, but this way we can make Al gore earn that shitty nobel award for dramatizing a fake crisis.

Yes we took a little trip to the east coast. The Jewel of the south, Myrtle beach South Carolina. In the coming days, I will cover some important topics that came to mind, on my trip. Here is a little taste.

Since we have a 3 month old child, the whole 11 hours plus in the car thing was a no go. We found a decent deal flying out of columbus’s ugly stepchild airport, Rickenbacker Airport. The Airline was Myrtle beach Direct. They offer low fares to just one place, for one way flights. You have to pay to check bags, and what not, but in the end it was a good price, and it cut the travel time to just over an hour. As far as the flight goes, it was as good as it gets. I watched the 2000 Rose Bowl on the big ten network on the way there, and various crap on the return flight. The only real problem with these people is the retards they have working for them. Our flight got re-scheduled a few times in the weeks leading up to our flight. We called the morning of to double check, and were told we would still depart at 3:00 p.m. The internet told us a different time, so we called back immediately, and were told by retard #2 that our flight was at 4:00 p.m. as the internet stated. This morning when I called “angel” was the customer service rep I encountered. Normally when I am confronted by someone named Angel, I hang up, or walk away. they serve no purpose in society, other than to average out the welfare department, and keep back-alley abortion clinics in business. they are not to be trusted. They are like Morman’s only usually red-haired. I asked Angel if our flight was on time. She said she couldn’t tell me without my confirmation #. I said I didn’t have it handy. She said she could only tell me if I had it, but that they are always on time.(even though every flight I have seen from them has been delayed at least 3 times) I thanked her for being an asset to society, and hung up, happy that she was honoring the name Angel accoringly. In the end, they have decent rates, rodeo cool beers, and shitty snacks, all trumped by satelite t.v. in the seatbacks, including the aforementioned Big ten network. I would fly them again any day. Never underestimate the power of seeing steve alford foul out on a 4×6 inch screen.

It was a nice relaxing, yet fun filled family get-away. Many a great memories went down, and we have lots of pics and video to go along with them. Highlights included me stiff-arming an old lady in defense of my child. Staging a fake teen pregnancy, and surfing lessons from a 13 year old girl, who made me feel like a worthless turd. the only real low points, were provided by the state of Wisconsin. I started most days waking up early with Dylan, and drinking a pot of coffee, while watching sportscenter, and trying to spit on red-necks from the 7th floor balcony. The whole Pussy fvart vs. the packers thing got really old really fast. This made me want to not like sports. Fortunately the all-star game would give me a break from ole pussyfvart. The reds actually had a pitcher in the All-star game. Edinson Volquez. the man. His night was ruined by two bad pitches. Sadly for him, another Wisconsin Product, cast a dark cloud over his allstar experience. Corey hart a.k.a. the mongoloid outfielder from milwaukee let a ball get past him to the wall in right center. Apparently the young mongoloid saw something shiney over by the foul pole, and was playing way too far over. The batter got a double out of it. the next pitch was a should have been double play. Next batter homers. next batter strikes out. I blame Corey hart, or his mongoloidism for ruining the reds night to shine, and losing it for the NL. I am officially re-petitioning congress to annex wisconsin to the canadiens. I will give them a partial hall-pass for winning the aforementioned 2000 Rose Bowl. Even though that was against Cade McClown and the UCLA bruins.