Piling on

So just as the poison ivy is starting to wind down. A new threat has evolved. Sun Burn. The steroids are as good as advertised. Despite the drastically shrunken testicles, I feel like a new man. A stronger, healthier, less itchy new man, with compiling rage, but I’ll take it. So yesterday, we ran into some issues at work. Long story short, my worthless workers, fell way short of getting some stuff done, with looming deadlines, and a beer drinking holiday staring us in the face. So we brought in the closer. Me. I was to go and finish a job that two guys could not do in two trips there. (there trips usually involve getting lost, going to the wrong job, sitting around debating what is better to huff, paint thinner vs. brake cleaner, and just being flat out worthless) I was basically in the middle of nowhere, perfect weather, all day to myself, to get this stuff done. A little fresh air and some excercise, and some time alone with my thoughts. I actually had been looking forward to it. Not only would it give me a little excercise, and some clarity away from the office, I could make the guys who get paid to do this stuff look really bad. I also was going to get one bad-assed tan. Now I’ve received a total of 1 hour and 30 seconds of shirtless time in the sun this year. One hour fishing topless, (hence the poison ivy) and 30 seconds early one saturday when I went out to get the paper in my underwear (my neighbors usually sleep in). I armed myself with some delicious gatorade Tiger sports drinks, some granola bars, and some aerosol sunscreen. The aerosol kind was designed to make the hard to reach places, reachable. Wrong. What a shitty idea. Had I used no sunscreen, I would have only had my shirt off, just long enough to get some rays. The aerosol sunscreen gave me a false sense of security. Now my backside looks like a map of the far east in beautiful white and red blotches. Apparently all the sunscreen that landed on my back, just reflected the suns rays onto the bare spots. Now the scabbing on my stomach from the poison ivy (I scratched it a little) has made bending forward difficult. The charred skin on my back has made bending backwards impossible. I’m now limited to little gyrating motions left and right. I move like the “my humps” video, except my face is nowhere near as jacked up as fergies, and I’ve been with roughly half as many black dudes as she has. My wife has made me promise to leave my shirt on this weekend (sha as if). Ever have a sunburn, that’s way worse 24 hours later? Fuck you Coppertone. I should have known better than to trust a product with a half naked baby on it’s logo. I’m issuing a one week boycott of all companies affilliated with naked babies. Coppertone, the Catholic Church, and even Kewpee. Even though I will be making a visit to Lima, the kewpee boycott should go easy, as I’m bringing about 30 pounds of Brisket for the smoker. The plan was to man the smoker all day, cooking ribs, brisket, and other delights, while taking periodic breaks to the pond, and of course, mass quantities of beer. The new plan is to smear a fine mix of motor oil, and crisco on the un-burnt sections of my back, so I have a nice even burn all the way around. This way next week on vacation, people think I’m just some drunk dude who passed out in the sun, and not some lepper colony escapee.

I did manage to see one thing that cheered me up. Yesterday, some dude, who apparently was going to be there to do some stucco work, showed up, asked me if anyone else had been there, then went into a rant about the dirty mexicans before leaving. Apparently a bunch of metal buckets, Chicken wire, and other tools had dissapeared. Today I had to stop back at the same job-site. Sitting in the driveway was a group of Mexicans. Seven of them had arrived in what appeared to be an old Ryder moving truck. They were grilling meat and veggies, on homemade grills made of halfed out metal buckets, and chicken wire. Pure fucking genius. Not only did they steal this dudes shit, they came back, and rubbed it in his face by using it to show off their resourcefulness to cook a hot lunch. This just goes to show. If we try and put up a fence on the mexican border, some day that same fence will dissapear, only to be reborn in the form of one bad assed treehouse, or condominium complex. This Buds for you, you brilliant mexican bastards.