God Bless America!

Here we are, the greatest non-sports weekend of the year. Some call it Independance day, some call it the 4th of July, some call it Fuck you England day. Whatever you call it, I hope everyone enjoys themselves irresponsibly this weekend. It’s the time of year when white trash everywhere don their finest tank tops and jean shorts, slap their wives, grab an 18 pack of Keystone and head out to a fireworks show, in hopes that one of their kinfolk will blow off enough fingers so they will have to give away their NASCAR tickets for the next weeks race. So here’s some tips on how to enjoy this fine day like a true American. Try and avoid the “social” fireworks displays, put on in local parks, and cities. Show your american spirit, buy some illegal fireworks, or make your own, and blow some shit up. Plan on drinking all day also. Plan on drinking more beer than what the laws of physics should allow. Remember my 4th of July drinking guide. For every hour you hope to drink, have at least 6 beers. Ideally, each person will have 2 cases to themselves, just to have a few leftovers for any unexpected guests. Try and spend the day on or near a large body of water. This will help periodically sober you up, and provide relief if you happen to blow yourself up, or catch yourself on fire. This also is a good place to be late at night, with the ladies. Remember, one person swims without a swimsuit, everyone goes without a swimsuit. Don’t worry about fat chick skinny dipping either. The two cases of beer you just drank will take care of that. Try and bring enough stuff to grill for 4 meals. Lunch, Dinner, Pre-skinny dipping, and bratwurst omelets with that fat chick you just met the night before. Plan on having a raging fire nearby. Plan on making it burn from the moment it drops below 85 degrees, till that last beer is gone, Plan on making an enemy with your illegal/homemade fireworks. Plan on having to apologize, and or buy somebody a new car/child. Plan on making such an ass of yourself, that you won’t go in public for at least a week. If everyone follows these few simple rules, our founding fathers will look down on us with pride. Happy Birthday America!