Pushing the limits

Ever wonder, just how fast you can go over the limit, before you will actually get pulled over. We all know cops don’t pull people over for going one over. Just how much can we get away with. The most common theory is 6-7 over, before you really need to worry. You know the cops all talk about it. They probably divide themselves into factions back at headquarters, by groups defined by what amount over the limit they all draw the line at. You know the 8 over cops are like “so jackson, did you invite peterson to your cook-out?” “No, I don’t want any dirty 4 overs using my bathroom”. In sports, we see it all the time. Qb’s who face off against a lock down corner. They get away with a few passes out in the flat, and go back to the well one too many times, and it’s a pick six. Most my life, I’ve been pressing the envelope, until I go just a little too far, then I real it back in a fuzz. Not just driving, but food, drink, saying really messed up things. I’ve gotten really good at apologizing by doing this. Tonight, I went at it again. This time I may have stumbled upon one of life’s greatest questions. Tonight was Taco night. The wife snuck in ground turkey meat to make it a little healthier. I decided this would not do at all, so it was time to upgrade to taco supremes. This meant sour cream (as tought to us by taco bell). Taco night isn’t all that common around these parts, so we usually buy sour cream, use it once, then it expires, since it only gets used on taco night. Well, my wife pointed out the expiration date on the sour cream, was May 18 2008, and tried to throw it away. My reply was that it’s “not that expired”. So I went for it. Now I feel the pain. The churning stomach, the dry mouth, the sweats. This could be my first major run-in with food poisoning of the new year. I’m not sure if it’s a placebo sickness, since she got in my head, or if I’m gonna spend all night trying to not poop the bed. Only time will tell. The real question, is how far can “not that expired” go. Sour Cream is a tough one, as it’s already sour. Milk’s a no brainer, just do the ole smell test. Cheese, if it was one color to begin with, and is still that color now, it’s all good. As long as bread has no green spots, dig in. But what about meat’s, and veggies and all the other things we love in life. Most guys have had to make the not so tough call, as whether or not to use that condom that’s been in there wallet for 8 month’s. That’s an easy call. I’m looking for some help on the others. We all know the 5 second rule, but what about the time frame for going past the “expiration date’. Any help here would be greatly appreciatted. I’ll keep everyone up to speed on my digestive battle’s. I’m gonna throw a heavy dose of Yeungling lager at it and see what happens.

White out

Gotta hand it to the Pittsburgh fans. They get the award for the best consecutive whit-out streak. As many know, teams like to do a “white-out” for big games. This means all the fans are supposed to wear white. Penn State is Notorious for this at night home games. Strangely enough, the road team usually is wearing the white jersey. Penguins fans for the 3rd time this stanley cup finals, have pulled off an impressive white-out. There’s always those few fans who either, don’t know, don’t care, or just forgot to wear white. The latter is often countered by handing out free crappy white t-shirts at the gates. Despite the crowds efforts, the wings will finally take the trophy home tonight. Either way, I couldn’t help but notice a really hot chick right behind the net in the front row, wearing a green shirt. Green represents neither team in this game, so either she didn’t get the memo, or didn’t want to mess up her hair by putting on a crappy white Steel Reserve/Penguins shirt. How does her date approach this subject? Do you let it go, knowing you’ll be ridiculed all night, but still have a shot at scoring? Do you punch her in the boob, and make her put on the shirt? Do you refuse to take her if she does not wear white? She does look really nice, and likely spent a lot of time getting ready. This guy is skating on thin ice. Clearly he either just let it go, or she won the argument. Personally, I got to make sure she wears white. Chance to score or not, it is the finals.

Well we all have one more great reason to vote for John McCain. Susan Sarrandon has claimed if he gets elected, she’s moving to either Canada or France. This is just another of a long line of celebrities who have made this claim. Eddie Vedder was supposed to move 6 times by now. Getting rid of Susan Sarandon should be our number one goal as a nation. I’m going to vow to help carry all her heavy objects if she does go through with it and move. The wheel barrow she has to carry her saggy boobs in, is all hers though. I’ve offered to help Jack-asses who have made this claim in the past move, but sadly they are all still here.

I read in Sports Illustrated that Josh hamilton (AL MVP) watched transformers in the theater 5 times in 3 days last year. This just solidifies the fact that he is my new hero. Tim Tebow also said recently he has seen Sex and the City 8 times already. He even snuck in his own pee to drink for free. Since it is an election year, any male who willingly pays for this movie should lose the right to vote. The only way to counter this would be to see indiana Jones like 12 times. I understand guys think they’ll score afterwards if they go see this movie with a date, but they should pray for their souls none the less.

Shitters full!

So the entire space industry is in peril. As we speak, actions are under way, that could decide whether we will someday be able to travel at light speed, and visit planets with three boobed women. The toilet on the international space station is broke! How bad would that suck? Can you imagine what a backed up shitter smells like, when even opening a window would result in death? Details as to what exactly is broke have been sketchy as best. All we know is, as we speak a space craft is en route, to repair the toilet. Do you think they have a space suit that shows ass crack for the guy who is going to fix the toilet? How would you like to be the guy who clogs it, then has to play it off like you didn’t do it? I can’t help but wonder what exactly the astronauts are eating that could break a million dollar toilet. I feel bad when I blow out the crapper in my basement. I can’t imagine how bad this dude has to feel. They had to launch a rocket, with spare toilet parts, just to fix a toilet. Millions of dollars, and countless lives are at stake, because some dude was eating way too much freeze dried pork. Somewhere high above us, is my new hero. In zero gravity, this brings whole new meaning to the phrase “someone left a floater”.

So this weekend I found myself just inches away from a defensive coordinator for a certain college football team that hails from Columbus Ohio. I had talked big talk all week at work, about how I was going to call him out, and ask him about the last two BCS title games. Questions like, “So whats the deal with never changing the defensive scheme?”, or “So did you guys even practice?” or “Hey you owe me money” came to mind, and I was all prepared to not only ask them, but take the ensuing ass-kicking, on behalf of the entire Buckeye nation. So in line at the bar, he asked me what I was getting, then handed me a beer. I said “thanks” and stood there like a pussy. I completely folded. I would have gotten stomped in record time, my wife would have left me, so maybe it was for the best. I did choke under pressure. So, when OSU falls in a 3rd straight title game, and the Defense makes zero adjustments all game, consider it, my bad.