Duck and cover

So last night, I had planned on a semi-early bed time. The college world series was over, my paper work was done, Dylan was sound asleep, all was going as planned. As I settled in for a long summers nap, I turned on the t.v. for some late night history channel. Thirty seconds later, the news hit. TORNADO WARNING. That loud baaaaaaaaah baaaaaaaaaah baaaaaaaaaaaaah! noise that is usually reserved for “testing” the emergency broadcast system. Streaming across the screen, was the warning, for franklin county. Then the computer voice assured me a tornado was on it’s way. Then, the tornado sirens went off outside in the distance. How could this be? I strategically moved to an area with zero trailer parks, for this reason only. I weighed my options. Since there will never be a tornado exactly in our neighborhood, just turn the channel, and doze off, or take our 3 month old baby into the basement. We picked the latter. Off to the basement we go. Fortunately, I had the foresight to install a bar and HD tv down there. All channels were telling us there was a tornado warning. Even HBO. We pay extra for that, there should be no warnings on HBO, I will soon ask for a partial refund. I want movies I have seen 12 times, boxing, Curb your enthusiasim,and late night soft core pornography, nothing else. So there we were watching HD weather news, a little after midnight, waiting for the world to end. Then they said the single most fucked up thing I may have ever heard. “A tornado Warning, does not mean there is a tornado, just that the conditions are right for a tornado” Seriously? Shouldn’t “tornado warning” mean there is actually a tornado? Shouldn’t the sirens be to worn us, we are actually in danger? Prisons don’t say “escaped convict warning” just cause the conditions are right for it. Life guards don’t taste to see if the ocean is still salty, and then put up the shark warning flags, just cause the conditions are right for sharks to arrive. Why do we have warnings and watches, when neither means anything different than the other? What happens when there is actually a tornado? Do they call us personally and tell us we are fucked? Normally I would have stayed in bed, or said “sweet” and went outside with beer and a camera. Now that I’m a father, I try for the occasional responsible act. When it’s all for nothing, I get a little pissed. I know quite a bit about the home building field, so I know if a tornado does come, we’re up shit creek either way. I know enough of the details to know my house has no fucking chance. I know a 2 by 4 is neither 2 or 4. I know the people who got hired to build my house, did so because they were the lowest bidder. I know that no matter how professional, intelligent, hard working, or trustworthy the sub-contractor was, they like myself, employed a fleet of retards, with multiple STD’s and a slight addiction to huffing spray paint, and crystal meth. I know that the guy who’s job it was to do quality control checks, was likely put there, because that was the job where he could do the least amount of damage. I know the inspector who checked everything, is easilly distracted by comments like “that’s a nice mustache”, or “hey, is that an old cop car?” I know the guy who did all the home-improvement projects in this house was a cynical asshole who was drinking during every project. No room in this shack is going to save me, or anybody. Going to the basement increases my chance of survival by zero percent. But, there is a bar and HD t.v. there. All I can do, is pick what I’m wearing when they pull my bloated corpse out of the rubble. So tonight, when I go to bed, and the clouds come a-rollin in. I’ll sleep soundly, in a pair of my wife’s panties, and a Makers Mark hat, slathered head to toe in calamine lotion.

The NBA draft is tonight! It’s nowhere near as awesome as the NFL draft, but it does deserve some attention. The NFL gives all it’s players a pre-draft test called the wonderlic test. This test is designed to test a players over-all intelligence, and life skills. It’s results are somewhat controversial. As far as I know the NBA has nothing of the sort. So I have decided to compile a different version of the wonderlick test, designed for incoming NBA players. so here we go.

1. You are shopping for an automobile. Which of the following, allows you to bring home the most bitches? A. Lincoln Navigator. B: Mercedes E-Class. C: Kawasaki Ninja motorcycle

2. If you father 6 children with 5 different women, how many women have you had more than one child with?

3. Your european teamate speaks little english. How can you help him adjust to life in america. A: introduce him to Marijuana. B: Learn to speak italian. C; take him to a strip club

4. You are headed on a road trip. Which of the following should you not bring through airport security.          A: 9mm handgun. B: bag of canadian pot C: travel yatzee

5. Your teamate has started a fight outside a strip club at 4 a.m. what should you do?  A:throw him in a nearby taxi. B: fire your gun into the air. C: flee, and run-over a bouncer on your way out.   

6. You have impregnated an underage girl in Utah, who do you call? A: your attorney B: Kobe Bryant. C: Shawn Kemp

7. You are at a casino with Charles Barkley, and just won $125,000. How much do you tip your dealer?  A:$2,000.00 B:$25,000.00 C: your autograph on the back of a call-girl flyer.

8. You just signed a 1 million dollar shoe deal. Your ex-girlfriend gets half in child support, how much does she get

9. You get hit with a flying cup of beer while laying on the scorers table in detroit. What do you do now. A: point out the culprit to security. B: Beat his punk ass, or anyone who looks funny C: Let your crew handle your business

10. You have a 72 inch wingspan, and 14 inch biceps. How many 8 inch tatoos can you fit on each arm?

11. Your roadtrip roomate is Kyle Corver. What movie should you watch back at the hotel A: Scarface. B: The Matrix. C: Brokeback Mountain.