New tricks

Today I learned just how multi-talented, I really am. While holding dyaln, and rocking him to sleep, I managed to get my foot halfway up rudi’s ass, without waking the baby. Well done indeed. Over the weekend, I managed to dupe a major sporting goods chain, into taking back my ill-fitting shoes that rudi had previously chewed up. I managed to make them look halfway decent, tucked the laces in so you could not tell the tips were chewed up. As for the holes in the in-sole, and the teeth marks in the rubber, I kinda hoped that would get passed over. I switched boxes, and stuffed the tissue paper back in, heading for the store. I was greeted by a manager who said she would keep them at the counter, until i picked out a new pair. Long story short, she said she would over look the fact that they were obviously worn, and let me switch them out. She said she could tell, because the bottoms were dusty. Not to mention the fact that a dog ate them. Ahh blondes. The interseting part, is that when I actually tried on a new pair, they again didn’t fit. Some kid who worked there put my foot in that little measuring thing that I doubt I’ve used since I was 11. To my surprise I am one whole size bigger than what I thought. All my size 11 shoes seem to fit fine, how can this be? Did my feet grow in the past couple months? What other body parts do I need to re-measure? I feel like I’m heading out into the great unknown.

As for the poison ivy, I think I may be turning the corner. My right eye is beginning to swell shut, and the enemy is advancing on my crotchal region, but my calamine defenses are holding strong. Last night may have been the worst yet. I itched all over, and could not sleep. I got up, popped a few benadryl, and some advil, chugged about two inches out of a fresh bottle of maker’s mark, put on some gloves, and crashed on the couch. I slept great after that. I did manage to wake up with only one glove on, and can’t find the other. I am done asking advice from the internet. I was told that bathing in bleach would heal it up instantly. Wrong. What this does is alerts you to any minor skin irritation, cut, scrape or bruise. Most of your body burns, and it doesn’t wash off. the fact that you feel like you are on fire, does make you forget about the itching however. stick with the calamine. I am felling better tonight, and no new rashes have formed, other than the usual one brought on by my herpes simplex type 14, but that’s to be expected.

I had a whopper today, and there were no tomato’s on it. why the hell is everyone so scared of a little salmonella, or e-coli? yeah you get sick for a couple days, but who cares. Unless you are really old, or have aids, whats the big deal. Almost every night, the news talks about obesity in america. what better way to lose a quick 8-22 pounds than an intestinal pathogen? There is none. I say order extra tomato’s, in fact, let your sanwhich sit in the sun for a few hours, then eat it. stay close to a toilet for a day or so, then move on. If you still need to lose more weight, eat more tomato’s. Getting salmonella or e-coli is no big deal. In fact, jack-in-the box has made a fortune off this gamble. As a true chicken wing fanatic, I’ve had many a run-in with salmonella. sure you may wake up to realize the itchy sensation in you pants is because you have soiled yourself, but that’s gonna happen sooner or later anyway. Ask an old person. Lay off the pilates, and special yogurt. The fiber, or the running program. Just go to a sportsbar every night, order wings, and let it ride. Just hope you don’t have a road trip, or a big date the next day. If you do, pack plenty-o gum, cologne, and air freshner, and keep the extra t.p. close by.