Going back to boston

Before I begin, what may be the most offensive, vulgar and dis-tasteful rant yet, let me give a special shout-out to all the dads out there. Happy fathers day! Though for some reason we all get second fiddle to mothers day, we still deserve the day. I spent my day fishing, and breaking in small water-craft. It was kind of a let-down, just because my expectations were so high. This was, after all the first new holiday I got to celebrate since they came out with juneteenth a few years back. All in all, it was a great day, and I hope all the dads had a great day as well.

People of Boston. You are all rotten bastards, whom I’m sure only hindered the cause of the american revolution a couple hundred years ago. Had your kind not existed, it would have been over in a few weeks, tops. You are all in-bred swine. The fact that your vote in elections counts as many times as mine, makes me want to fill up my raft and float to cuba. Your kind can best be described by the term, donkey raping shit eaters. Why do I lothe the? Let me count thy ways.

This saturday, I attended the reds game vs. the redsox. This was my first recent, encounter, with the new age boston fan. the entire row in front of us was boston fans. They were so bad, the reds mascot, who was there in civilian garb on his day off, got up and moved. I decided I would help everyone out there on the internets, know the truth about the bean town faithful. A decade or so ago, it became very hip to root for boston. Much of the national appeal, was due to their long championship slump, and there evil rivals the yankees. Since then, every douche-bag this side of marthas vineyard has some type pf redsox garb. Recently the redsox have switched things up on all of us. They started winning, and spending more and more money. They are like the retarded kid at school, that everyone kinda pulls for. Except this retard has won the lotto, and is flaunting his winnings all over town, and has turned his back on all the normal kids who looked out for him. Boston fans are like cubs fans, except not cool. Both teams are hip to root for, and most of their fans don’t even know how many quarters are in a baseball game.

Male boston fans are, an obnoxious bunch. They yell and scream at all the wrong times, and they all have gay nicknames for the redsox players. Each fan has his own nicknames, unique to that particualr gay fan. The row infornt of us was no exception. We had a fat slob in a ray allen jersey, who argued with the usher about where they wanted to sit. (never mess with an elderly reds usher) His butt-buddy, was a casey afleck wannabe with a sunken chest, excessive chest hair, and some above the crack shrubbery. About four innings in, their lust for eachother, and boston sports boiled over. The fat dude, who had stretched the mesh on his celtics jersey to the point that it could have been used as a spaghetti strainer, bagan feeding icecream to his gay buddy. Then, they started putting their arms around eachother. Fatty, was stroking the skinny dudes back hair. How romantic. This was clearly a “brokeback mountain” type getaway. Boston fans know nothing about sports, except the old guys who have never been laid, i.e Peter gammons. They can’t handle booze, smell bad, and believe that the whole world understands the drunken jibberish spewing from there big heads. Most are serial masturbators.The only thing keeping these people from being canadian, is mere geography.

Now, female boston fans. Female boston fans, can best be described by one term. Legalized prostitution. Outside of crack-whores, they’re as easy as they come. Usually they start out by wearing a Bosox hat, to gain the attention of the drunk kid down the bar/dorm hallway. After four or five date rapes, their spirit is broken, thus a true female boston fan is born. Though they still don’t know what happened to Nomar, they carry on, believing he is their savior. If you can’t hook-up with a female boston fan, you are either, not a primate, or are wearing a yankee hat. Usually by inning three, the femal boston fan has lost at least one article of clothing, and tried to steal something. An inning later, she has already puked during some type of sex act with a stranger. an inning later she is in tears, until some dude in a redsox hat buys her another beer, and the cycle thus repeats itself. If you find yourself surounded by boston fans, show them some math flash cards, or ask them a question not related to JFK, or Tom Brady, and then run away, as the momentarily blackout.

All we can do at this point is root for Tampa Bay, and Arizona to smoke the sox come October. Personally I’m pulling for the D-backs, unless Griffey becomes a ray. Hope this was helpfull to everyone.