It seemed like destiny. A horse named Pyro, named after a flavor of chicken wing sauce, from a sportsbar, running out of the 9 spot. I was ready to bet it all. Fortunately my wife hid the deed to the house, because pyro sucked. That horse was in dead last after about 4 seconds, and was never seen again. My wife on the other hand, had a little mixed luck on her bet. Yeah she got in the money, but she picked eight belles. My horse may have stopped to take a dump on the backstretch, but at least it didn’t die. How fucked up was that? I’ll admit, it was pretty horrible that a horse had to be put down. But, wouldn’t the threat of being put down provide other athletes a little motivation, not to suck. Imagine if Adam Dunn looked into the reds dugout, after another strikeout with runners on 2nd and 3rd, only to see the trainer filling the syringe. Speaking of being put down. Our own disgruntled reds fan fell short in his bid to run half of the flying pig marathon. A possible stress fracture took him out of the race at mile 11. Lucky for him, he didn’t make too big of a fuss about it, otherwise, he would have been put down. Sadly, he was unable to raise enough money to bring his lebanese mail order bride into America. She’ll now be sold back into slavery. Fortunately, disgruntled reds fan was the big winner of my playboy raffle, and can keep himself busy.
The Buckeyes have landed another blow to Dick-rod, andthat team up north. A few weeks ago they picked up the son of former UM captain mike Boren, who left the team this winter, after a “falling out” with the new regime. Now the bucks have picked up his younger brother, a linebacker. So two legacies, destined for a life up north, have found salvation at OSU.
The past week we saw the release of People Magazine’s 100 Most Beautiful people list, and Time’s 100 Most influential list. Somehow, I was shut out of both. I realize, as far as appearances go, I’m a little repulsive. I’ve seen myself naked and threw up in my mouth, I admit. But what about that inner beauty. I started a blog, that’s literature and stuff. I’ve succesfully got seven people to not look at porn for a few minute’s every day. I’ve revealed to the world that Tim Tebow drinks his own pee. I’ve made some bold fashion moves recently as well, that should have vaulted me up the list. This past year I’ve attained a camouflage Red’s hat, and a maker’s mark hat, as well as a sweet fishing vest. Whether it be influence, or beauty, this was my year. I sired a kid, bought candy bars to benefit a baseball team, mailed stuff to people in ecuador, gave some minors beer, and donated $20 to charity. If this doesn’t get me on the lists, surely it will get me a special spot in heaven. I gotta think I’m gonna get a spot next to the Mormon’s. Next year, in able to get on each list I’ve decided to do the following. Shave my head. Get a boob job. Lose 20 pounds. Become a scientologist, and start a cult. I may even donate one of my reds hats to a poor person. Then we’ll see who’s beautiful and influential.
