Today may not have been the most exciting day of all time, but I did learn a few lessons. At my job, I have to go into strange peoples houses, to listen to them complain about what they think is fucked up. I then tell them something they may or may not want to hear, depending on how bad I hate them, and then I go on to the next one. Of course, if I piss them off bad enough, I just apologize “sincerely”, and they feel much better. Many times, I get to go into Indian people’s houses. Now before anyone gets all pissed off, I’m not trashing Indian people. Just I can’t stand curry, and most the indian people’s houses I get to go to wreak of it. Well today was no different. I had to travel to the greater Dayton area for this stop. I’ve always wondered if indian people are excluded from child abuse. The news just tells me when white and black people do it, and that’s it. The first lesson I learned today, is that indian people can beat the shit out of their kids. The actual homeowner I visited was likely the hottest of all the indian homeowner’s I’ve visited, though she was still only about a 4 on a 1-10 scale. Not knocking ya Indian people, it’s just you can do a lot better. Well her parents were there as well, I think so I could piss of three people instead of the normal one. Anywho, one of the kids ran into some boxes, knocking over all of them, and some other stuff as well. This sent Grandma into a violent child beating rage. This chick went apeshit, cussing at him in as many languages as she could muster, while horse collaring the little scamp, and throwing a flurry of full bore spankings at the boy. Most of my childhood, i was either in trouble, or in the process of getting into trouble, so I’ve seen a lot of pissed off parent reactions, but this lady scared me. She could have held her own with any Georgian backwoods redneck. She even spanked his ass with a frisbee, or a little plastic plate, I couldn’t tell cause it was moving in a blur towards his hiney. So even though I don’t condone child abuse, I like to think of it as a cross cultural learning experience.

My next lesson, was far more important. Since I had not eaten since 6 a.m. and the fear of the crazy Indian chick starting to wear off, it was time to stop for some lunch. Since I had been in a hurry to put as much Ohio countryside between me, and the crazy lady, I passed a lot of good lunch options. I was about to go intro a stretch of Interstate 70 that was as barren as a nuns lingerie droor, my options would be limited. Fate shined on me, as the next exit had big tall signs indicating fast food was on the menu. I decided Rally’s would be the stop. Since I can’t remember the last time I had Rally’s, I kept it simple, and went with the Big Buford. Buford was angry today my friends. Dead smack in the middle of nowhere, I experienced what could only be described as an anal aneurysm. There was nowhere to stop, and crapping in a gatorade bottle at high speeds was not an option. The only thing worse would have been this http://www.break.com/index/trapped-in-an-elevator-with-diarrhea_1.html I was able to hold off the attack, and keep my shorts clean, by eating 22 rolaids, and drinking a Dr. pepper. This did the trick, except now, I’m gonna be backed up for a few days. I’m just one bloated asshole,  and my next turd will just be a big pile of chalk. The lesson’s one could take from this are as follows. Plan your route to stay close to toilets, whenever possible. Keep Rolaids close by, and Dr. Pepper as well, just in moderation. Finally, make sure your stomach is at full strength before taking on the Big Buford.

Happy birthday to the loyal blog readers who have birthdays this week. You old bastards.

President Bush’s daughter Jenna is getting married this weekend. So in honor of this, I’m bringing back the ‘who would you rather bang?’ experience. This week we’re gonna do it up right, in honor of the White house wedding. The Contestants are all fitting for this occasion. The Bush girls! Barbara (the young one), Jenna, and Reggie.

Barbara, has dark hair, and was named after her Grandmother, and has grown up to be pretty hot if I do say so myself. http://cellar.org/attachment.php?attachmentid=10637&d=1164226267 she graduated from Yale, so she must not like sports. She also has worked with people with Aids in Africa, so watch out for that.

Jenna, is the blonde of the bunch. Graduated from the university of texas, so she must not like good sports. She was a member of a sorority. Schwing! the same fraternity as Blanche from the Golden girls. Schwing! Schwing! She’s about to go off the market. http://www.time.com/time/photogallery/0,29307,1669595_1459802,00.html

Reggie, is a football player I hear? He must spend a lot of time in the sun since, he’s a lot darker complected than the other Bush girls. He’s friends with Condoleeza Rice, so he actually does tie in to this. He’s currently getting sloppy 2nd’s from Kim Kardashian, and knows jared from subway. http://oddculture.com/2008/01/02/reggie-bush-gets-kim-kardashian-bush/