Big Boy

Dylan continues to grow right in front of our eyes. He’s already grown out of a few outfits. Still too small to wear the ‘who farted?’ unitard, but we’ll get there. Yesterday he even got his Social Security card in the mail. Now he can officially fall victim to identity theft. Every morning we wake up early, and let mommy sleep. I give him a bottle, I drink some tea (I’ve switched to tea, in hopes of qualifying for the british national team in the mens pairs in syncronized swimming at the Bejieng Olympics), and we watch sportscenter. He likes the plays of the week. I have learned a few lessons though. Apparently bottle nipples come in multiple sizes. If one does not check the nipple size, a newborn baby will essentially be Bonging milk. Though he may finish it in 5 minutes, soon he will throw up everywhere, including on his dad. Today for instance he hit for the cycle. First during a diaper change he pissed all over me, causing me to go to shirt number 2 before I even went to work. His next at bat, during the burping, he yakked all over me. This would be shirt number 3, before lunch. In his final plate appearance, I noticed he was smiling extra big. This means he’s either naked, or dropping a duece in his diaper. It was the latter. When I picked him up, I noticed this was no normal crap. This time it was so much it exploded out the top of his diaper, and all over his back. He spends most of his time on his back, but it was still an impressive feat. So of course I got shit all over me, making it shirt number 4. From now on, he’s just gonna have to wear a baby sized tyvek suit, to match his dads.

Let me start off by saying I know next to nothing about Hannah Montanna, except that her dad had the best mullet of all time. While watching the news tonight, I was delighted to find that half the “news” portion was devoted to her, and a recent photo shoot for a Vanity Fair. One photo, she has a sheet wrapped over her body exposing part of her back. The other, she is wearing jeans and a tank top while resting her arm on Billy Ray Cyrus’ leg, this is the one that upset the fat lady from missouri. Apparently ALL of America is in an outrage over these photo’s because they are soo racey, and not suitable for a young audience. First off, isn’t Vanity Fair for adults anyway? How bout not letting your kids read adult mags? If it’s too racey for little kids, unless they are on the internet un-supervised, how the hell are they gonna see it anyway? Second. If you see a photo of a fully dressed father and daughter laying next to eachother, and the first thing that comes to your mind is that they are fucking, guess what? your the one who’s fucked up, go back to wal-mart and mark down the clearance items. Thirdly, This is not racey. I’m sick of dumb assed american’s getting all offended by things most people don’t even give a second thought to. It’s not like she made a sex tape, or flashed her bare crotch anyway. We all know this kid is about 2 years away from a major coke habit, and 6-8 years from an embarrasing mugshot photo, like all child stars. Let this one go. People need to re-adjust what they find offensive. To help everyone out I’ve assembled an S.A.T. suitable breakdown of what IS and what IS NOT offensive. So here we go.

Blogger note: Half of these may offend everone so don’t bitch at me. Open at your own disgression

1. The Hannah Montana “sheet” photo (not offensive) http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/04/27/miley-cyrus-topless-in-va_n_98836.html 

2. The famous 2 girls one cup video (Really Offensive) http://2girls1cup.com/ This should offend pretty much anyone who still has a soul.

3. The picture of Hannah Montana and her dad (not offensive) http://justjared.buzznet.com/2008/04/28/miley-cyrus-vanity-fair-pictures/

4. A website devoted to people who start to have full-on sex, only to realize there is an extra penis at the party (Offensive, but hillarious) http://www.trannysurprise.com/ 

5. Elmo from sesame street (not offensive)

6. A site that reveals one of the greatest tragedies in sports. Adam Dunns stats and salary (greatly offensive) http://sportsline.com/mlb/players/playerpage/174678

Hope this benefits everyone. Just to be safe, we’ll do one more without me giving away the answer. It’s fun to pass around to people and get them to open it up at work. http://www.meatspin.com/

Your welcome America