Draft Hangover

Well the speculation is past, the draft has come and gone. I like how reading all the grades, you can read 10 different “experts” opinions, and they’ll give 10 different grades for the same team. I like how fans actually go to the draft to cheer, and then unless their team picks a QB RB or WR they boo. I do have to say I’m jealous of Pittsburgh. They always draft great players, they win every year without signing any big name free agents. They drafted a stud RB, but they didn’t draft a dude from Myrtle Beach Tech like my bengals did they? This isn’t the only lapse in my television life. I’ve gone one full week without watching any John Adams on HBO, the best show ever.

I’ve decided to make up for my loss, with a career move. I’m not changing jobs or anything. I’ve decided to whore myself out for blame. Literlly being a fall guy. Recently there was some scheduling conflicts at my company, and some people were going to be pissed off that we could not do what we said we were going to do on a certain day. This had nothing to do with me in any way. However, I did step in and call the ’soon to be pissed off people’ and give them the bad news, taking the full blame myself. This is not the first time I’ve done this. At my old company we had offices in different cities. Whenever something bad happened in one of the other cities, I’d get a call, a brief rundown of the problem, and then I’d claim the blame in exchange for free lunches, cigars, and cases of beer. All I have to do is get a quick scouting report as to what I’m gonna have to apologize for, pretend like I actually give a shit for two minutes, listen to someone who has zero impact on my life yell at me, take full responsabillity for the problem, and that’s it. This is one of my “inyangibles”. Something few people can deal with, but what I can do better than anyone. I’m like the Andres Galaraga of getting yelled at, and acting like I’m sorry for it. It’s not that I’m dead inside or anything, or that i enjoy getting yelled at, it’s just I don’t care. Really theres just a handfull of people in this world, who if they are mad at me, I’ll get upset. Other people hate getting yelled at, even by strangers, so it’s time to take that burden away. In exchange for beer, money, or whatever, I’m gonna start taking the blame for people. it’s my gift to society. That and crabs. If anyone has to apologize, or fess up, or take the hit from their co-worker, boss, spouse, mother, cleaning lady etc. just call me, we’ll work out the details, and i’ll take care of it. I’m great at getting yelled at. For some reason no matter how pissed off someone is, if you just say, “I’m sooooo sorry, this is completely my fault” or ” I totally dropped the ball, and I apologize, it won’t happen again”, they feel better. If anyone gets in hot water, just blame me. Prepare to pay up though. I may be a blame whore, just not a cheap one. If you find my prices are too high, I also offer diversion services as well. If you stay out way too late, and your wife no longer talks to you, just give me a call. I can piss her off so bad, she’ll never remember she hates you. If you forget the anniversary, I can throw up in your wifes purse. If you forget a deadline at work, and you think you’re gonna get fired, call me. I’ll rent a car and smash your bosses volvo with my uninsured Chevy Cobalt rental car, and your mistakes will be old news. Send me a message if you think you can benefit from my services. Just have the Beer or the makers mark, or the cash ready, I’m a phone call away.