Blizzard log 2008: The Final Chapter

Special thanks to the butthole snow plow driver, who decided just plowing one path down the middle of the road would be good enough. Not only did this pile up the already 2 feet deep snow at the end of my drive even higher, it also extended the path I had to dig to get out by about 10 feet. So yeah we got 2 feet of snow. The drive is now clear, but the back yard is a disaster area, as the drifting effect paid it’s toll. Rudi is a genius. He has a bright future ahead of him as a rescue dog for avalanche victims. Yesterday I was certain he was a moron, as everytime he went out he took one of his toys and dropped it in the yard, where it was soon buried with snow. Today he dug up, and found all his toys, in about 15 minutes. I couldn’t even find the beer I sat down and that was in my living room.

 

Thank god, I found the beer, and several others. I’ve decided before the next storm hits, hopefully in a year or so, I’m buying a bradley fighting vehicle, or a tank. The forecast is for hoighs in the 40’s and fifties all week. I wonder if it’s gonna be muddy?

Posted on Sunday, March 9, 2008 at 05:00PM by CTGOBUCKS | 3 Comments

Blizzard log 2008: 2

So shoveling snow still sucks. Avg. depth of snow on driveway – 16 inches. Drifts that made me want to kill self – too many to count. Neighbor’s who traded use of snow blower in exchange for beer, and old microwave – 1. The only bad news about this trade, is that I will now feel bad asking him to help hang the new t.v. Oh well, theres plenty of time to recruit new slaves, and I have plenty of booze. Even using a snow blower on over half the driveway, it was still a 3 hour job, counting beer breaks. I’m not shovelling by the street until after the plow comes, or sarah’s water breaks. Rudi is loving the snow. The back yard snow is higher than what he can walk through, so he has to hop, which he loves also. We tried to go for a walk, but the sidewalks are inpassable, so we stuck to the road. Since nobody is allowed to drive anywhere, we were quite safe. I told sarah, if she went into labor today, I’d punch her in the boob. So we’re safe in that department. The snow keeps coming down. It’s only been at it for 24 hours, and already I feel like Jack Nicholson in the shining. I even have t.v. and beer. The whole not being able to leave thing sucks balls. Luckilly college basketball is here to save me. If anyone is in the greater worthington area with an extra snomobile, or a dog sled, look me up. I’ll be the dude swearing, and drinking in the driveway. In the mean time, hope everyone is enjoying natures fury as much as I am.

Posted on Saturday, March 8, 2008 at 05:27PM by CTGOBUCKS | 3 Comments

Blizzard log 2008: Chapter 1

A quick update. Depending on which of the 3 queer central OH meteorologists you listen to, we are in the midst of a blizzrd. According to the fruitiest one, the susteained winds dropped below 35 miles per hour too often to actualy be a blizzard, but everyone else is calling it that. Reality. We got a shit load of snow, everything is canceled, and they have issued levels two and 3 emergencies for the surrounding areas, so nobody is allowed to leave. I finally get my snow day! except it happened to start on a friday afternoon.  So yesterdy we all came home early, and started to play. Rudi and I were wrestling on the floor, and he punched me with his paw, right when I was turning my head that direction, basically sliding my nose over to the side of my face for a moment, and causing blood to pour out of my nose. This was great since my 38 week pregnant wife passes out when she sees blood. Fearing having to drive to the hospital to give birth in a blizzard, I soent the next hour or so with a tampon in my nose. Followed by some ice cold self medication. After not sleeping all that great due to my newly broken nose, I awoke to a few early morning phone calls, which I ignored. The calls only multiplied, since the callers assumed that since we didn’t answer at 8 a.m. we clearly were having the baby two weeks early. What other reason would there be? Anywho, so I’m fucking up now, and the snow drift on my back porch is more than cock deep. Since it’s also quite cold, that’s up there even farther thanks to some massive shrinkage. I had to shovel a path across the upper portion of our deck just so rudi could get out to shit this morning, an hour later the 3-4 foot deep tunnel had nearly been filled in. Just in case the wife does go into labor, I’m preparing for the first phase of shovelling. How’s the weather out there everywhere else? Keep me posted. Oh yeah, for the record, I’m gonna start drinking soon.

Posted on Saturday, March 8, 2008 at 12:45PM by CTGOBUCKS | 2 Comments

New addition!

It’s finally here. The day the whole world has been waiting for. The new addition to the Thomas family. No not the baby, not yet anywho, but sarah’s big prize finally arrived. 42 inches of HD glory. I’m naming it Best Buy, and it’s going to the basement. You might be asking yourself, ‘what kind of lucky bastard wins a 42 inch plasma?’ Well remember she’s still stuck with me, so life still owes her at least a blue ray, and some brad pitt movies. What a prize it is. My original plans of having HD TV in every room may be getting shot down, as the boss has decided to just rotate tv’s and maybe even give one of the older ones away. My heart is breaking. Looks like it’s gonna be new plasma downstairs in the basement, and LCD in the bedroom, leaving us with just plain ole digital TV in the main room. All I need is some closed circuit camera’s in the bedroom and we’re all set. Maybe having HD in every room except the room everyone hangs out in, will encourage more folks to come join me at the basement bar. If not, screw you bastards, that’s where I’ll be. Oh well, now all I need to do is lure in one of my neighbor’s with free booze, and we can hang this bastard. This project of course will lead me back to the thought’s of “why didn’t i run more wires when we finished the basement” and what not. Oh well, that’s why Al gore invented beer.

Do you ever hear a word, or phrase you haven’t heard in awhile and wonder why you don’t use it more often? Last night I managed to catch the denver Crips episode of South Park (top 10 all time), and was brought back to a word I’ve found myself totally neglecting. “Butthole”. used several times by jimmy Vulmer. I think I’m gonna have to start calling people buttholes more often. Not only will this help me cut back on profanity around the new baby, but it will inevitably make people think to themselve’s ‘did he just call me a butthole’? This has me thinking, what other words from third grade, or other phases of life am I forgetting to use? I’ve gotten pretty lazy with my name calling, retard, douche, asshole, pussyfart, and buttfucker have been the old standby for too long. I’m going to broaden my horizon’s a little. From now on, expect me to refer to people as buttholes, assclowns, and shitheads a little more often. Hope you buttholes can help me think of some more forgotten names.

I’m still a little pissed off about the artist formerly known as pussyfart’s news confrence, Brett Favre. Not once did any reporters ask him if he retired so he could skip mini-camp to go to mark Chmura’s post prom party. Oppurtunity wasted. Even though it’s cold as hell there right now, I gotta think Wisconsin is a better pick than Mississippi. Not only do they have a kewpee, I just found out they have cougar’s there as well. The Big cat kind, but they gotta have a few of the divorcee kind as well. How sweet is that? Imagine some fucker out for a walk in the woods, drinking some paint thinner, and out of nowhere Wham! Cougar nails his ass. I gotta admit in Ohio our biggest threat is getting mugged coming out of Wendy’s, so I’m more than a little jealous. I got an email forwarded to me in which some dude was taking pics of a cougar looking in his sliding glass door. The closest we come to that are Jehova’s witnesses, which are just as scary.

Posted on Thursday, March 6, 2008 at 10:54PM by CTGOBUCKS | 4 Comments

Farewell Brett

I had to take some time off to reflect, after hearing the news of Mr. Favre’s retirement. The world is in shock, and may never retire. What will this do yo John Madden, or the people who impersonate him? Hopefully suicide. Right now Aaron Roger’s Clipboard and visor is going on sale on ebay. What an unfortunate bastard. He goes from making a few mills doing basically nothing, not playing, not running the scout team, just standing there holding a clipboard like John Cooper’s son. Now he has to work for a living. What kind of country is this when you have to work like 150 days a year just to get a few million bucks? I can’t help ut think I played a small role in causing brett to retire. Some say it was not getting Randy Moss. however, I know better. By removing his title of Pussyfart, and handing that to tom brady, there was nothing left to accomplish. Maybe we’ll have to give it back to him, just to fuck with Aaron Roger’s. Either way, Brett was one hell of a player, and exciting to watch, wether you like the pack or not. I may have to go out and buy some wranglers. Who knows maybe Brett can join Madden in the booth. that would be sweet.

Did you realize anything that gets typed on this stupid blog, can be found on various search engines. For instance, just by typing the words Manatee Raper, a new link to this site has been formed. it’s pretty awesome really, knowing that if I google the phrase “Maya Angelou’s nutsack” I can find my way back home. That’s the Homework assignment for tomorow. Everyone think of really awesome, possibly incriminating phrases or words to put on the blog tomorow, and then someday when somebody for whatever reason’s has to google a phrase like “shoving acorns up your pee hole is fun” they’ll get a link to a site about Tim Tebow drinking his own pee.

Congrats to Elida Schools for finally passing a levy. Maybe it was the football teams great season, maybe it was the American Idol kid, who knows. Looks like the days of trout fishing in the flooded basement, and science experiments with Asbesto’s and dead cats found in the hallway are over. Oh the memories. You’re finally getting a new High School. What’s to become of the old high school. I’m hoping Oprah starts another one of her schools, and puts it there. With all the sex offendor’s they’d have no problem getting a job. Hell, I could teach Home-Ec. I hope they do like the old ball parks, and auction off the desks, and lockers, and strips of astroturf from the principle’s office. I call Dibs on Todd Hane’s se swing! We could all pitch in and buy the Hawaian punch machine that steve Cunningham bought the 6 blue punches from, which he used to chug back-to-back, and then puked everywhere in lunch. Easilly one of the top ten greatest thing I ever saw. That would look sweet in my basement. Let’s all pray that they still find a use for gomer elementry. If not, I’m thinking of buying it, and starting a sweatshop using only residents of sugar creek township.

Everyone think of cool phrases to use for googling tomorow.

Posted on Wednesday, March 5, 2008 at 10:17PM by CTGOBUCKS | 9 Comments

Big Spender’s

So free agent season in the NFL has begun. As usual the Bengals are on the sideline, watching all the other teams address their needs, while they sit back and wait for shitty players to magically get better. This year, it’s gonna happen, I can feel it. Special thanks to commissioner Gooddell, for shooting down thier one attempt at getting a good player. For some reason he seems to take great joy in punishing the bengals. Wether it’s adding extra years to suspensions for D.U.I’s, or voiding trades, he’s doing a great job, keeping the bengals shitty. Mike Brown sucks enough, he doesn’t need any help. Oh well, I’m sure we’ll pick up a great 4th receiver who gets hurt all the time, or maybe a back-up punter, just in case. At least their one scout will bail them out in the draft. What kind of Pro team only has one scout anyway? Oh yeah, the bengals. I’m officially throwing my hat into the ring for the job of volunteer scout. All Mike brown has to do, is pay for my beer, while I watch football. he can send me tapes, I’ll break down all the film, scout whatever players they may want, even write a book report on each team/player. i got a B – on my book report on Lord of the Flies in 9th grade, surely I can come up with some good scoutng reports, that are equally impressive. Although grading people as fat assholes, and pussy farts may not be what they’re looking for, it would be at a bargain price, and would double their current number of scouts. Speaking of the free agent season, good luck to Cleveland fitting under the cap after this season.My wife won a contest at her work, and is expecting to get her prize tomorow. Rumor has it she won a t.v. God willing, i’ll be one step closer to completing my dream of having a t.v. in every room of the house. That would pretty much be the end of the blog, if I get an HD t.v. in the shitter, as I would never leave. Imagine the possibillities, you could watch HD hockey on the Bar t.v. in the basement, watch the reds suck on your way up the steps, watch family guy on HD while you heat up food, pass out while watching shitty cinemax movies in bed, and the next morning while trying to induce vommitting, you could watch sportscenter in HD. This truly is the land of oppurtunities. Chances are the whole “parenting” thing will put a damper on this, but a boy can dream, right?Special thanks to all the meat heads who came in town this weekend for the Arnold Schwarzeneger fitness classic, and the UFC fight. All the money you dropped on Monster energy drinks, protein supplements, and Zubaz pants and tank tops should give our local economy a much needed boost, after the whole 4 foot law for strip clubs went into effect. No it’s not the 4 foot law, that regulates the Donkey show business in tijuana, the strippers have to stay 4 feet away from patrons at all times. Stupid Moral people, ruin everything. It used to be when you would pass a chick and she smelled like FDS you’d think, “Wow, she’s a stripper”. Now if a chick smells like FDS, theres a good chance she’s got a yeast infection. Total bummer.

Posted on Monday, March 3, 2008 at 08:38PM by CTGOBUCKS | 1 Comment

You go Leap year babies

We’re mere hours away from avoiding having a leap year baby. A special shout out to those unfortunate bastards born on Feb. 29th. A friend of my wife is marrying a guy born on Feb. 29, he’s celebrating his 7th birthday. Pervert. Wouldn’t it be cool if they considered your age by how many birthdays you celebrated? You’d have to be roughly 84 years old before you could buy beer. It would make for one funny assed E-harmony.com date though. “you said you were only 22!” I did learn on the news, that it’s considered customary, for a guy to have to say yes, if a girl asks him to marry her, on Feb. 29th. There’s your meal ticket fat chicks. Speaking of strange hook-ups, it’s been brought to my attention that I neglected to do a ‘who would you rather bang?’ this week. Fear not, a special one is in store. A special Leap year edition of who would you rather bang. Since there isn’t really anyone worth a damn born on this date, we’re gonna have to have our first 3-way vote.  So here are your choices. Ja-Rule vs. Dina Shore vs. Antonio Saboto Jr.Ja-Rule, or Rule as he likes to be called, was a founding member of Murder Inc., the rappers, not the jewish hit men. He sings and stuff, and his parents were Jehova’s witnesses. Outside of that, there is really no reason to bang him, but hey, I gots nothing to work with. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Ja_Rule_Fort_Hood.JPEGDina Shore, the lone lady in this race, is dead. but we’ll pretend she’s still alive, and looks like she does in the photo i found on Wiki http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:DinahShoreFrom1940s.jpg Not too shaby, if I do say so. She’s the poor man’s judy garland. Her parents were jewish, and according to the show ‘Rescue Me’, jewish girls like to give head, so she jumps to the lead. Apparently she sang stuff as well. However, she is best known, for getting her name mentioned in ‘The Hanukka Song’ by Adam Sandler. Again, pretty weak.

Antonio Sabato Jr. has been stealing the hearts of housewives everywhere for some time now. Apparently he was a Calvin Klein model, and has banged his way around the soap opera circuit, including melrose Place. He’s fathered a few kids with a few women, including Virginia madsen from ‘Sideways’. He also was in a janet jackson video. his parents were Italian, and Czech. With that lineage, he was destined to be a pizza making hockey player with really bad B.O., but instead opted for shitty acting. He also recently finished 5th in a wet t-shirt contest at spring break http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Antonio_Sabato.jpg

Now I know this is the worst lineup yet, but hey, it’s leap year baby. Let the voting begin, and i promise, next week will make up for this.

Posted on Friday, February 29, 2008 at 09:52PM by CTGOBUCKS | 8 Comments

Election Guide 2008

I really, really, hate all things election 2008. The candidates, the commercials, and all the happy horse-shit that they entail. However, certain events the last two days have led me to chime in. That being said, I’ve decided to post my criteria for picking, or picking against the perfect candidate. Three simple rules, that I believe are the perfect ways to pick the future leader of the free world. Since I firmly believe no candidate is really worth anything, or out for anything more than their own well being, this is the best way to seperate all of them.

1. The Blue Denim Shirt Rule: How this works is quite simple. Whoever is the first dickhead is to wear a Blue Denim shirt out on the campaign trail, is out. All presidential candidates, at some time will don this attire. Someone, somewhere has convinced politicians, that normal everyday americans, are canadian truck drivers. It never fails. Whenever a millionaire candidate is asked to go out and pose for a few shots with the common folk, the Blue Denim Shirt comes out. Not the dark blue, think Jordache blue, not quite stone washed blue, just moderately light jordache blue. My personal fave is when they roll the sleeves way up. They apparently get their scouting reports on middle America from Paul Reiser stand-up bits from 1986. Another smoothe move is to wear a turtle-neck under the denim shirt. Beware. This is the rottenest of Douche bags, who makes this move. If you go to a rally in your home town, and the candidate is wearing the blue denim shirt, and later in the day a few hours away has on the polo shirt, Congrats, you live in a shithole. Your factory Jobs are about to be shipped overseas. Which leads us to our next factor.

2. Feeding on your stupidity: Granted from my calculations, 78 percent of Americans are dangerously close to being retarded. You see it everyday. In cars, on the phone, just look for it, it’s there, I’ve been studying it for years. That being said, they don’t need to rub it in our face. There is one key phrase used by politicians in both parties, that sounds great, if you are fucking stupid. “No more tax breaks, to companies shipping jobs overseas, we need tax breaks for companies who invest in America”. Or something along those lines. I got to admit, it sounds pretty awesome. There is NO tax break anywhere in the U.S. Tax code, or for in any state, for companies who ship jobs to other countries. It’s not a tax break, it’s called those jobs are no longer in the U.S.A. If I run a company with 500 employees, I have to pay a certain tax level for all my 500 employees who receive pay in the united states, like say 500. If I ship out all 500 jobs to canada, how many employees do I have to pay taxes on? If you answered any number higher than one, congrats, you just qualified for a huge tax break, because you are retarded. We can tax lets say, Porsche for their products, made in america, and imported into america, and what employees they have here along with social security and what not, for each employee. Unfortunately we cannot tax them for all the dirty Krauts they have working in germany. It’s not a tax BREAK people, come on, we’re better than that. If you’ve applauded a candidate who say’s this, or thought to your self, “That’s a great point”. Please don’t vote. I’ll give you a case of PBR if you stay home that day.

3. Shutting Down Traffic, or making a huge line outside of sporting events: This is by far the biggest foul of all. It’s well documented that I discontinued supporting Bush 2 years ago, when at the Reds opening day He ruined everything. You see, I was grossly underdressed, Jim Cantore totally let me down, and it was maybe 45 degrees. After drinking beer in a semi-warm bar for 2 hours, I spent another hour or so waiting to get in, due to extra security measures. Once inside, I discovered that in the hour or so I spent in line, all the over-priced MENS reds warm weather clothing had been sold out, and was forced to drop 45 bucks on an ill-fitting WOMENS reds wind breaker jacket. I still froze my ass off. The reds also lost that day. The last two days, Columbus traffice, during rush hour was brought to a halt, on the roads I needed to drive on, because we had campaign rallies. yesterday, I sat on I-71 for 45 minutes, before being able to skirt the shoulder, and get off the next ramp. You see, Mr. Obama was in town, during morning rush, completely shutting down the most used rodway’s in the whole damn city. Nothing say’s, “I can relate to the common man” like shutting down traffic, and making ten thousand or so common men late for work. Way to go Obama, your campaign bus runs on Bio-diesel, but ten thousand or so cars idleing for an hour or so in sub 20 degree weather should cancel that out. This Morning, I was fortunate enough to see today’s gridlock, brought on by hillary, just in time. However, so did thousand of other folks, as we all searched for open back roads. Like yesterday, I ended up going the opposite direction around the outer belt, just to get moving. Adding a good extra 45 minutes, and god knows how much gas at $3.20 a gallon. Quick tip for all the candidates. Everyone at your rally is already voting for you. The ten or so idiots outside protesting, hate you, but you’ll get by. We don’t really need the rallies. People are either gonna vote for the republican or the Democrat, and that’s that. What dumbass goes to a rally and is so moved they change their vote? Nobody buys any books written by speach writers. Know why? the only good ones are employed by politicians. With the exception of Bush, no candidate ever goes out and sounds like a moron at these things. Everything you say should sound good, because you have a couple million $$$$ invested in speach writers, and campaign managers. Nobody is ever gonna go out, and talk about how they used to get high, and kill panda bears. Stick with occupying the evening news, and stay the fuck off our highways. Lets not forget the extra police forces we use for this shit. We already have, a state tournament, the home and Garden Show, the Arnold Fitness classic, and the UFC payperview at Nationwide this weekend. Our cops are already gonna be working overtime this weekend. Don’t make them ride motorcycles down the highway when it’s 17 degrees. that’s just being an asshole.

I hope this helps everyone make a sound decision. Outside of this, no other factors matter. no candidate is going to save the world, or send us into oblivion. The mayan calendar says the world ends in 2012 anyway. Here are the fouls, these jackasses have piled up so far. hillary, has run a clean campaign so far. She stopped traffic today, so that’s one big foul. McCain was on t.v. in the blue denim shirt, so that’s a strike or him, but he’s also doing o.k. D-Bag Obama has completely struck out. the aforementioned rush hour traffic stoppage, piled with his campaign ads in Ohio, in which he mentions the whole “tax break” phrase, while wearing a blue Denim shirt. Strike two, Strike three. Go back to Hyde Park, and act common. There is one guy who has a perfect record so far. Ralph Nader. Never gonna get elected to anything, but he hasn’t committed any of the fouls listed above. He did ruin the Chevy Nova however, so he’s out as well.

Posted on Thursday, February 28, 2008 at 09:30PM by CTGOBUCKS | 11 Comments

Happy Birthday Sarah!

Today Feb. 27th marks the 28th birthday of my lovely wife. She’s had a pretty good life. With the exception of the day she met me, and the day she got knocked up, of course. Either way, happy birthday babe, I love you.

P.S. I was going to surprise you with a petting Zoo and pony ride in the backyard. It turns out, Pony’s need fed more than once a week, and don’t hold up well in sub 20 degree weather. If you could pick up an extra shovel on the way home, that would be great.

Posted on Wednesday, February 27, 2008 at 01:26PM by CTGOBUCKS | 7 Comments

It keeps coming

Aparently this winter has settled into one bastard of a pattern. We get a few inches of snow, and a little freezing rain one day. Followed by a day of reprieve, followed by more shitty weather. This whole every other day getting snow or ice is really starting to piss me off. What makes it worse, those snow days I was talking about, it seams every school in the state is getting them, and plenty of them. “Back when I was young” it took a full-on blizzard to cancel school. Now, schools are delaying the night before, just because of the forecast. It makes me feel a little better knowing they have to start making up some of these wonderful snow days. Have fun going to school in June you bastards.

Apparently full scale construction of the largest section of border fence, to date is under way. This as well pisses me off. Not that I’m in favor of illegal immigrants sneaking into our country. I just think maybe we should find a solution that suits everyone better. I hear people bitching about our tax dollars having to pay for these immigrants, but they also keep produce prices at a reasonable rate. If we want to save tax dollars, lets start with not wasting it on a useless section of fence. Plus, has anyone seen the ingenuity of a small group of illegal immigrants. Those fuckers could give Mongolians a run for their money. I really doubt a couple hundred miles of large fence is going to keep them out. As a former employer of god knows how many (possible) illegal immigrants, I’ve seen them in action. They can fit comfortably 18 passengers into a seven passenger mini-van, they balance home-made extension ladders on top of empty buckets, and feed a crew of 20 on a 12-pack of coke, and some little debbies. When we moved from our shitty apartment into our house, we set our old couch out on the curb. 2 minutes later, like sharks finding chum, the immigrants arrived. You see, white guys, would at the very least brought 3 guys, a pick-up, or moving van, and maybe some tie down straps. What did our Aztec friends have? Two guys, and a 1992 Ford Escort. After tossing it onto the roof, and securing it by holding onto the bottom of the fabric, with their hands through the open windows, they drove off into the sunset. This is the same people who turned thousands of portable shitters, into rocket ships, and time machines. I think, they’ll find a way in. Especially since on each side of the ends of the fence, there is just open field, with no fence. I think it’s safe to say that underneath all the porto-shitter’s in So-cal, texas, and AZ. you will find a modern day underground railroad, all connected by an amazing tunnel system, dug only with a few roofing hammers, and an empty KFC bucket.  Buenos dias shitheads.

I rock, I’m watching Bass fishing in HD that I DVR’d from sunday. This could be my greatest achievement to date. I could smoke these dudes. All I need is a dora the explorer pole, a bucket of worms, a quart of scotch, and a pink paddle boat.

Posted on Tuesday, February 26, 2008 at 09:36PM by CTGOBUCKS | 7 Comments