Hunting for storks

So here we sit, less than 48 hours to the predicted due date, and no baby in sight. Well, I do see something in my wifes belly, but I cook most of the time, so that could explain the bulge. No she really is prego, we have a nursery, we had baby showers, she’s even on maternity leave. It’s only a matter of time. The real concern is not wether the baby will arrive, that’s inevitable, but whether, or not it will arrive before my self imposed deadline for going to opening day. I could be left with making a crucial decision. The way I see it, I have 3 options. First, be that guy who makes his wife get induced, scheduled around a sporting event. We’ve all read or heard about these guys on the radio. Recently a Chicago bears fan’s wife got induced early so he could catch a bears game. I figure the actual deadline is wednesday. That gives the three of us our normal time in the hospital, plus a couple of days to adjust to life at home with the baby, before I skip town. I’d be more than happy to watch the reds on t.v. In fact the last year I saw opening day on t.v. was also the last year they were in the playoff hunt. I could also give the tickets away, and be the loving supportive husband and father I should be. What will Griffey think? Finally I could just skip town, leave my wife in the good hands of the staff of riverside hospital, maybe even buy her a hat or something. I doubt that’s really an option. At this point, all I care about is that everyone is happy and healthy. I do have DVR. Plus giving away opening day tickets, to be with my wife/newborn child would make me the instant favorite for father of the year, in my rookie season. I could be the Ichiro of parenting. So looks like if no baby news before wednesday, I’m gonna sit this one out. That would give me an early start on warping my future son/daughter into a Reds fan.

This week Authorities in Marietta OH arrested five suspects for selling and posessing crack cocaine. What’s so special about that you ask? It was on St. patricks day, and they were selling green crack.  http://www.dispatch.com/live/content/local_news/stories/2008/03/20/green.html?sid=101 Finally, our felonious narcotics are part of the holiday season. Though I’m not in favor of rampant drug use, I do like to see everyone get into the holiday spirit. Think of the added boost to the economy. Heroin addicts could shoot up with candy cane needles all december long. In July meth labs could be equipped with colored phosphorous, so when they catch fire, the whole trailer park could enjoy a fireworks display. The possibillities are endless. I imagine arbor day and earth day would be about the same.

Speacial thanks to Mississippi Valley state for only scoring 29 points, proving why big confrence bubble teams should get in ahead of schools jerry rice went to. Can’t even score 15 a half. I imagine OSU, Syracuse, Maryland, and ASU could have at least beat the spread. Oh well, I still got the madness, and have decided to compile a list of excuses to get out of work to watch basketball two days in a row. It may be a little late, but feel free to use them next year.

1. I have to try and stop my old lady from getting an abortion. (one of my employees used this on a random day, he got the day off paid in full for best redneck excuse ever)

2. I’m getting a vascectomy (nobody will check on this one)

3. President Nader has appointed me secretary of the interior.

4. I’m volunteering at habitats for humanity. (only an asshole would lie about this)

5. My house burnt down, again.

6. I have AIDs, and really need to get a hold of my High school gym teacher, to let him/her know.

7. I have to film a paternity test results show on Maury Povich

8. Jury Duty

9. I’m being extradited to Thailand, for child prostitution charges.

10. I have a new breed of crabs, and the doctor says I should avoid human contact for at least 48 hours after i burn off all my pubes.

your welcome everybody.