Waiting

So still no baby, and here we wait. Rudi is getting rather inpatient, but screw him. The actual due date is just under a week away, so we could be waiting a while. It’s kinda like waiting to go to jail. Until you go, there’s no way to know how it’s gonna work out. It could be awesome, and totally fun, like Otis on the Andy Griffith show. Punch out a couple of one liner’s, take a nap, and sherrif Taylor lets you out on his way home for sunday dinner, and everyone lives happily ever after. On the other hand it could be like the show Oz, where everyone divides up into gangs (I got dibs on the nation of islam), it’s long, it’s scary, and somenody is either gonna get shanked, or raped in the shower. My money is on the shanking. Either way neither one of us knows what to expect, we just have to wait until it all starts, and then there’s not a damn thing we can do about it. We’re both pretty excited, so don’t get all bent out of shape about the jail remarks, that’s just how I work. I’m pretty stoked about being a dad. I’m gonna get online and buy some ‘Worlds best dad’ shit, and wear it pretty much everywhere.

So OSU is out of the big dance. Oh well, it wasn’t meant to be. They didn’t win the games they needed to, even though despite their tough schedule, they were still in contention most of the game in all the games but two. At least we have American and Drake to root for. This could actually be a major coup for buckeye nation as a whole. Instead of OSU busting their ass, only to finish 2nd, and get ridiculed by the rest of the nation (even though those making the jokes, can only dream of achieving OSU status). This gives us a chance at not finishing 2nd. In just over a year the Ohio teams have finished 2nd in NCAA football twice, basketball once, the NBA, Arena football, major league lacrosse, the American League baseball, and NCAA soccer. We’re in the shittier tourney now, and we’re the belle of the ball.  We didn’t really have a shot to win it all anyway. It’s like being at a bar, and deciding between hitting on a semi-decent chick who’s about a 6, but has some flaws, but ya know you’ll score easilly, you just have to find a way to get rid of her later. Or, you can throw all the cards on the table, and go after the 10, pretty much certain you’re gonna get shot down, but if you should score, you’ll be a legend. So here we are all of buckey nation, laying in bed with the fat chick, and it aint all that bad.

Speaking of bars. Happy St. Patricks day everyone. I know it’s a bit of a cliche, white folks living it up, irish or not, drinking in packed bars while listening to the Drop-kick murphy’s, who are one of the greatest bands of all time. It’s a scenario everyone should enjoy. Don’t let anyone try to fool ya, st. paddy’s day is one of the best days of the year, should you celebrate it right. All the ritual’s that we associate with it are great all year long. It’s not that often the dive bar down the street is over capacity, and yes all bars should play the murphy’s year round. But there are a few things you need to watch out for before you hit the town.

First off, the hard ass, anti-scoial whose actually too cool for the irish bar scene. We all know the type, big, over weight, closely shaved head, who follows his friends around, trying dearly to maintian his thug appearance. It’s easy to mistake these guys as part mexican, sometimes they are, but usually they are just poor white dudes with a goatee. This guy will usually stand around following his friends, staring off into the crowd. Why isn’t he drinking enjoying the day? Because he’s poor, and pissed off about the 5 dollar cover, and the fact that his buddies are all gonna score, while he’s gonna have to resort to going back to his mom’s basement, jacking-off to girls gone wild commercials, before passing out while watching scarface for the 278th time. If you ever go out in lima, you’ll surely run into this guy. Look out for him, as after 6 shots and five Guinness’, you may feel hard core, but one punch from this pudgeball will end your night, faster than 6 hour old chicken wings.

Our next person to look out for on St. Paddy’s day, is way less intimidating, but twice as dangerous. She’s at every bar with an Irish sounding name tonight. The chick completely decked out in St. Patricks day gear. Sometimes it’s hard to decipher the difference between just dressing the part, and one time psycho drunk slut. The differences are subtle, yet clear. A green shirt is standard, when it’s paired with green socks, under a short skirt, green beads, green hair accessories and the ever present shamrock temporary tatoo on the cheek, you’re in grave danger. She may seem wild and fun tonight, you’ll likely even score, but the walk of shame was invented by this chick. Drive around any campus around 8 a.m. tomorow, you’ll see her, walking down the street still with all the green clothes, usually carrying some of them, temp. tatoo all smeared on her face, contemplating suicide. This crazy chick may be an easy score, but she’ll ruin your life faster than an STD. Ever see that dude with something like ‘asshole’ written in lipstick on his car? That was put there by wild crazy St. Patricks day chick. She also invented the ‘fake pregnancy’. Sometimes she’ll be a hot 20 something, other times she’ll be a 36 year old cougar looking for a rebound. Beware.

Finally, the one guy everyone wants to kick in the nuts, but in a drunken stooper may turn into. The guy who shops for Irish gear staring on march 18th. He might buy new light up beer mug necklaces, becauses he’s afraid the ones from last years battery might run out. His favorites are shirts that say something gay like, ‘Blow me I’m Irish’ or ‘Want some irish in ya?’ Maybe the shirt will be a little more subtle, but look for it. He was likely raised by a part irish father, who raved about how cool the irish are, in between sessions of beating his wife. Tales of super drinking skills, and a wild irish temper have greatly inflated this guys sense of coolness. If you’re friends with this guy, abort now. Maybe even try to bang his mom, she’ll either be unhappily married, or a recently divorced cougar who is now crazy st. patrick’s day chick, in which case rule number two does not apply, because it makes a great story. Besides the t-shirt he’ll be the one passing out the green beads to the crazy chicks, while drinking green miller light, because he can’t handle whiskey, and guinness gives him the runs, and he’s watching his carbs. As cool as this guy may seem tonight, on the way home all the hot girls will be making jokes about him. Any assosciation with him will doom you.  The best way to distance yourself from this guy, and his cloud-O-douche is to pull one of the girls he just gave a bead to aside, make a witty remark about how irish guys are all lazy and homeless, buy her a shot, and take her to a different bar, assuming she’s not crazy st. paddy’s day chick. Good luck everyone, and remember, tonight’s the night for everyone to be irish, but welsh dudes are cool year round.