USA! USA!

Finally the United States Navy is getting off their fat asses, and doing something constructive with our tax dollars. Tonight, they plan on shooting one of our own satelites out of space. For years we’ve been blowing shit up in the water, and on land, finally we’re going to the final frontier. I’m sure the jackass conspiracy theorists will have a field day, but I for one am stoked. At the same time, I can’t help but wonder, what else are we not blowing up, that we could be blowing up? Could we blow up the moon? There’s a full lunar eclipse tonight, it’s pretty awesome. For those who aren’t up to date on their eclipses, Lunar eclipses are the diet coke of the eclipses, it just looks like someone smeared shit on the moon, but it’s still pretty cool. Maybe we could blow up all the XM satelites. Instead of sending little robots to mars, lets blow it up. Why didn’t we blow up that douchebag billionaire Richard Bronson when he took his gay little space plane up there? It would have made the world a better place, and I for one would have joined the Navy immediately. Yvan eht nioj bithces. We should take all the Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens, and Jose Canseco stuff we can find, launch it into space, and then blow it up too. I hope this is just the tip of the iceberg.Shaq makes his big debut in the desert tonight. I’ve been back and forth about this trade for awhile now. In the end I think it’s a good move for Phoenix. Everyone worries about how he’ll adjust to thier fast pace game, but hasn’t every team that’s beaten them in the playoffs slowed the game down to neutralize their strength? This would cancel it out. As long as they play him only enough to get him familiar with the system, and let him be rested for the playoffs, they’ll be O.K. Plus, the NBA regular season is completely worthless anyway. In the end, my Celtics will win it all, so it’s a moot point.On to the important stuff. In recent weeks, the “who would you rather bang?” has been a little too easy. Like slow pitch softball, I thought I’d spice it up a bit. Lately I’ve given everyone a win win situation between two hot chicks. Tonight, I’m going back to wht got us here, retardation.

Oprah vs. a recently dead Angelina Jolie. Now I know what you’re thinking. “how did you know I was in to necrophilia?” I just did. So we’ll find out if putting up with a fat obnoxious chic is worse than sex with the decesased, right here, right now.

Oprah, is one rich mama. Not so hot, but she does read a lot, and could possibly make you famous, like Dr. Phil, and Hot Pockets. Her media empire is second only to larry flynt, and she’s even in the works on her own television network. However, she fluctuates between disgustingly fat, and morbidly obese, and can be more than a little annoying. She could however, get tickets to just about any Chicago sports event, so she has that going for her.

Her Opponent, a recently dead Angelina jolie, is one fine lookin lady. Lets say she just had a heart defect, or was poisoned. Nothing gross. Would you rather do her, just recently dead, or would you rather do Oprah? For the ladies, we could even throw in a recently dead Bradd Pitt. Again, no wood chippers or anything, just a heart attack. This should test everyones morals, and prove wether or not Oprah is worse than a dead person. Neither has a soul by the way.

Posted on Wednesday, February 20, 2008 at 10:26PM by CTGOBUCKS