Why the Reds are doomed… reason #39

Talk about an ominous sign. read this headline. http://cincinnati.reds.mlb.com/news/article.jsp?ymd=20080223&content_id=2385630&vkey=spt2008news&fext=.jsp&c_id=cin Good news however, This mornig we broke down and bought a reds powerpack, securing 2 opening day tickets. Looks like me and my old man will be heading south on Opening day. He earned it. He assisted in operation finish the hardwood flooring, and made it sooo much easier. Plus all the other baby shit he has made. Although our super efficiency caused drastic decreases in my beer consumption, he helped me save enough energy to stay up and watch memphis vs. Tennessee and Blue Jackets/Canadiens and consume beer. Also a special shout-out to the famous joe-Jitsu. He may not have donated labor, but he more than made up with it by delivering 2 cases of Yeungling’s finest beer from the bastard dutch colony known as PA. Gracias amigo. Finally a shoutout to my lovely wife sarah, who woke up early and drove to her office, to double our chances at securing Reds powerpacks. Her companies internet connection proved to be better than the homesteads’s and we were victorious. If anyone wants tickets to any of the reds games vs. Boston Cleveland or the cubs let me know. I know a guy. you see this year the reds did ticket sales only on the reds website. I guess since nobody has ever done any type of shenanigans on the internet, no “hacking” or anything. Maybe since that one year we bought roughly $900 worth of reds tickets from the ticket retailer and never got charged. Thanks secret ticket place, I’ll always remember you. i don’t want to forget to mention our new message board commentor “scott the dick”. If I ever find out who you are, it’s on bitch. Moving on.I voted absentee tonight. Where am I going you ask? nowhere. I’m just lazy. O-H!

Is everyone ready for tomorow night. The night gay men look forward to year round, the Oscars. Nothing like some pretentious celebs getting that much needed attention. Unless Optimus Prime, or Landfill from beerfest will be there, count me out. As much as i enjoy John Stewart, so much about that bugs the shit out of me. I’ll watch the revamped cavs instead. I did see a dude who pimped his car complete with license plate to look like Bumble bee from transformers. I bet that dude gets soo laid. How sad is it, that one of my new heroes is some random dork, likely on his way to play dungeons and dragons? Transformers still rock though.

Speaking of crazy foreigner’s. The montreal Canadian’s Canadian fans are singing a song in the background, much like what you see at other countries soccer games. I can’t quite make it out, but it sounds like Loverboy. Why is it that all the other countries sing songs while the game is going on, and we don’t. I know we’ll do some cool chants, and college sports have the bands, but everybody else sings stuff, throughout the crowd, trying to drown out the other teams fans songs. Could it be because we’re just not that organized, or not that gay? No.  Baseball has the organ music, other than church where else do you see organs playing? We got all the makings for good drunken crowd songs, and we’re just wasting it. I’ve heard of U.S.A. fans at world cup games encountering this same dillema, only to break into Chorus of Team America’s “America Fuck Yeah!”. that’s a great song for all sporting events, religious gatherings, board meetings etc. but we need to come up with a song of our own, just in case those shifty Europeans try to learn real football. (I know some asshole is going to post “but most other countries call soccer football”, not true. The majority of countries call it something other than Football, or futbol, just most of the ones involved in all the good wars do it that way) I recomend either Journey, Slayer, or something by the Fat Boys. Who needs that Ole, Ole, ole, crap, we got “Wipe out”. Anybody else have any ideas? We could use the help. Plus anything that makes foriegners hate us more is pretty fun. So lets get some ideas as to what we can sing, it dosn’t have to be just one song (i.e. ole ole Ole) we’re america. Can anyone think of anything cooler than when harry Carey sung “take me out to the ballgame”? We’re better than that. Lets get some songs, and get everybody singing at the next game you got to. if that old lady behind you says anything, dump a beer on her, and punch her in the boob, then sing some Journey.

Posted on Saturday, February 23, 2008 at 08:40PM by CTGOBUCKS

Big matchup

This saturday NCAA #1 and #2 team’s face off against eachother. it’s the first time time this has happened since last february when then #2 Ohio State took down then #1 Wisconsin in Columbus. We don’t need no stinkin badgers! I remember this day well, as instead of going to the game, my wife and I got a puppy. We should have gone to the game. Nah, Rudi’s the man. Gassy, but the man nonetheless. Anywho, bigtime matchup in college Bball. Undefeated Memphis at home vs. the Surging Tennessee Vols. My prediction is Memphis pulls through. Tennesse, is good, but they are too streaky, both teams could have solid tourney runs. Looking at how good some of these teams are, I can’t help but think how great OSU was last year. Memphis undefeated, Tenn. is #2, Xavier is tough, and could be a tourney dark horse as a 4 seed, and georgetown is about as good as anybody, and OSU beat all of them in the tourney. That being said, Florida was that much better. Looking at how great those teams were last year, and how good they are this year, and how Florida handled UCLA and OSU last year, they have to be one of the best ever. 2 in a row i this day. This is the last props i ever give florida. Good luck with the pending tornado season you godless bastards! Personally I’m rooting for global warming, just so we have no more florida.

Big moves by the Cavs. Not really, but at least wally, Joe Smith, and Big ben are actual players. I can’t believe anyone would trade for Drew Gooden, and Larry Hughes. Not that any of these guys are worth too much, but I think this gives the Cavs a chance. We all saw what Lebron can do last year, now maybe he’ll have some help. If not they can alway draft Jamar Butler. I do like Wally Sczerbiak. Once while he was in Miami, we tried to steal one of his kegs. It was a perfect plan. My drunk assed friends would steal the keg, I would stick behind and beat up Wally Sczerbiak, if he tried to stop us. It turned out he was much larger than me. Apparently when confronted by a future NBA 3 guard, my defense mechanism is to point out my friends as they made their escape, and then try and make it up to them later on with Hardees. No 6′ 8″  235 lb. Polocks were harmed in this story.

My wife went to a breast feeding class tonight, and did not want me to come along. What’s up with that? That’s right in my wheelhouse. Oh well I ate Penn station and watched hockey, so we’ll call it a draw.

Shout out to my friend hannah who is recovering from surgery. It was either to repair a torn ACL or a boob job, I can’t remember. Hopefully it was the knee surgery, as I remember a cadaver being involved. I saw a chic with cadaver boobs at the pool one day, not cool. Either way, good luck hannah, if you want to play a cool recovery game, make frozen margaritas except triple the tequila, and blend up your pain killers. You’ll be able to run and jump for about 2 hours, until your heart stops.

Hope everyone has a great weekend. I’ll be shovelling snow/ice and laying wood in the bedroom. (the construction way, not the cool way).

Posted on Thursday, February 21, 2008 at 09:27PM by CTGOBUCKS |

USA! USA!

Finally the United States Navy is getting off their fat asses, and doing something constructive with our tax dollars. Tonight, they plan on shooting one of our own satelites out of space. For years we’ve been blowing shit up in the water, and on land, finally we’re going to the final frontier. I’m sure the jackass conspiracy theorists will have a field day, but I for one am stoked. At the same time, I can’t help but wonder, what else are we not blowing up, that we could be blowing up? Could we blow up the moon? There’s a full lunar eclipse tonight, it’s pretty awesome. For those who aren’t up to date on their eclipses, Lunar eclipses are the diet coke of the eclipses, it just looks like someone smeared shit on the moon, but it’s still pretty cool. Maybe we could blow up all the XM satelites. Instead of sending little robots to mars, lets blow it up. Why didn’t we blow up that douchebag billionaire Richard Bronson when he took his gay little space plane up there? It would have made the world a better place, and I for one would have joined the Navy immediately. Yvan eht nioj bithces. We should take all the Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens, and Jose Canseco stuff we can find, launch it into space, and then blow it up too. I hope this is just the tip of the iceberg.Shaq makes his big debut in the desert tonight. I’ve been back and forth about this trade for awhile now. In the end I think it’s a good move for Phoenix. Everyone worries about how he’ll adjust to thier fast pace game, but hasn’t every team that’s beaten them in the playoffs slowed the game down to neutralize their strength? This would cancel it out. As long as they play him only enough to get him familiar with the system, and let him be rested for the playoffs, they’ll be O.K. Plus, the NBA regular season is completely worthless anyway. In the end, my Celtics will win it all, so it’s a moot point.On to the important stuff. In recent weeks, the “who would you rather bang?” has been a little too easy. Like slow pitch softball, I thought I’d spice it up a bit. Lately I’ve given everyone a win win situation between two hot chicks. Tonight, I’m going back to wht got us here, retardation.

Oprah vs. a recently dead Angelina Jolie. Now I know what you’re thinking. “how did you know I was in to necrophilia?” I just did. So we’ll find out if putting up with a fat obnoxious chic is worse than sex with the decesased, right here, right now.

Oprah, is one rich mama. Not so hot, but she does read a lot, and could possibly make you famous, like Dr. Phil, and Hot Pockets. Her media empire is second only to larry flynt, and she’s even in the works on her own television network. However, she fluctuates between disgustingly fat, and morbidly obese, and can be more than a little annoying. She could however, get tickets to just about any Chicago sports event, so she has that going for her.

Her Opponent, a recently dead Angelina jolie, is one fine lookin lady. Lets say she just had a heart defect, or was poisoned. Nothing gross. Would you rather do her, just recently dead, or would you rather do Oprah? For the ladies, we could even throw in a recently dead Bradd Pitt. Again, no wood chippers or anything, just a heart attack. This should test everyones morals, and prove wether or not Oprah is worse than a dead person. Neither has a soul by the way.

Posted on Wednesday, February 20, 2008 at 10:26PM by CTGOBUCKS

It All Starts Here

Today, I am proud to say. Marked the first day position players reported to Reds spring training. Yes I know, I’ll give you a minute to catch your breathe. There. Nothing says spring like griffey sitting out position drills, and the fact that it only got up to 26 today. Hopefully the weather in the greater Tampa area is slightly higher than columbus OH. Can you imagine what kind of shape David weathers and Todd Coffey are in on the first day of camp? They should make a calendar. This is the time of year, when hope fills clubhouses all over florida, and Arizona. Could this be the year Adam Dunn finally hits below .200? Is it the year a position player finally shoots a reds reliever? The year I finally streak the field during a blowout? Only time will tell. This much is certain. The beers will be delicious, the skyline coneys plentifull, and the stadium nacho’s will still be the best in baseball. I have compiled a list of things I expect to see from the reds, and the rest of baseball in the upcoming season.1. Dusty Baker gets so mad at Thom Brenneman for his critical comments, they throw down live on FSN Ohio, following a close loss. The fight is a close one, until Thom is taken down by a Dusty tooth pick to the throat, and dusty starts strangling him with his wtristband. Lucky for Thom, his old man has his back, and Marty bashes baker’s skull in with Joe Nuxhall’s Bronze microphone. Ray Knight returns as manager, only to be fired after the Ray Knight, Nancy Lopez Sex tape is leaked on the internet.

2. Roger Clemens, and Barry Bonds travel from city to city looking for work. Sammy Sosa starts the tour with them, but quickly jumps ship, after the chicago White sox offer him a job selling Kosher Nationals, and dippin dots. Barry, and the rocket continue on until they finally land a spot on the Pirates Roster. After an all night Yeungling binge, they are both arrested for aggrevated buggery and sentenced to life by a Dutch Judge.

3. Adam Dunn will shatter his own strikeout record. but he will jack 42 homers, with only 86 RBI’s.

4. Homer Bailey will knock up at least two underage kentucky girls, causing him to flee to cuba.

5. Aaron Harang will have an ERA. under 3.4 and only nets 12 wins from the effort.

6. Todd Coffey will be traded to the Yankees at the trade deadline, and become the greatest closer in baseball history, filling in for an injured Mariano Rivera. 

7. Bronson Arroyo quits midseason to join the cast of American Idol.

8. Brandon Phillips can’t shake the memory of the chick he landed on when he tripped at the Lima mall. Phillips then Convinces said woman to leave her husband and run away with him, and join him on the reds west coast road trip, his batting average soars. Said Woman, we’ll call her “shelley” ends up being the new Rosey Red, only to then ditch Phillips after Danny Grave is recalled to the team. 

9. Gary Majewski will still be worthless.

10. Albert Pujols will suffer a minor stroke due to too many steroids, lose use of his left arm, but still hits .300 with 38 homers.

I’m sure at least 8 of these will come true. If not, that means the reds will win like 120 games or something. I’m also sure It’s gonna be a great year. I’ll hold off on predictions of who wins it all this year, as it’s still too early, and nobody cares. No matter how the reds fare, I’m sure my future son/daughter will sport plenty of reds gear all year round. This reminds me, there’s way more Bengals baby stuff, than there is Reds stuff. Why is this. Both teams are equally shitty. Also a special thanks to everyone who bought us baby stuff at sarah’s most recent shower. I was required to be there for the gift opening. Among the lesson’s I learned at my first baby shower. Lots of Gambling goes on. It’s kinda awkward as everyone watches one person open all the gifts. the others clearly don’t want to be there. dudes have no idea what most of the stuff is, and ham sliders are delicious, proving Pigs are the most succulent of all animals. Except for whichever one bacon comes from. Thanks though to everbody, we appreciate all the stuff, and I’ll eventually find out what it all is. I even practiced putting a diaper on a stuffed sheep.

Posted on Tuesday, February 19, 2008 at 09:52PM by CTGOBUCKS

Not Much On

Coming off one of the worst T.V. weekends of the year, I feel let down by the world of sports. In fact, all one has to do is watch sportscenter, for the crap filler they throw at you just take up a whole show. Now I know there was some stuff to watch, Daytona 500, Kelly Pavlik vs. Jermaine Taylor, Kimbo Slice vs. Tank Abbott. Really though, it’s not much to get you by. Witht he exception of about 12 laps of Nascar, and 10 painful minutes of the buckeyes game, my sports highlights ended friday, when the Blue jackets decided to play hockey, and kicked the shit out of the Red Wings. I would have liked to watch the kelly Pavlik fight, anyone fighting in OSU trunks is fine by me. The big talk in the world of fighting though, is Kimbo Slice, made famous by his internet street fights, all over sights like youtube and what not. If you haven’t seen this guy, he looks like a poorman’s CoCo B. Ware. Apparently he easilly defeated former UFC star Tank Abbot, who our own Joe jitsu refers to as a turd. I saw the youtube clip. Bumfights.com has better action than these two posers. Kimbo Slice is one kick to the balls away from playing a villain in the next Steven Segal Movie. He still has crumbs in his beard from the soup kitchen. Did anyone watch the NBA allstar game? If so, Congratulations! You’ve just won a Mark Ecko T-shirt, a beyonce poster, and a free ticket to dipshitville. The NBA Allstar game is the single worst sports event of all time. I do enjoy the Dunk Contest though. Whenever one guy makes a dunk, the crowd all yells OHHHHHHH!!!! and falls into eachother. The scoring criteria is highly advanced. You either have the greatest, or second greatest dunk of all time. Judges can either give you a 9 or a 10, wether you make it or not. I saw a lip of the winning dunk, it was caught in the air, and thrown through the rim, without his hands ever touching the rim. So the winning dunk wasn’t even a dunk. Way to raise the bar NBA. I’m sure the Beyonce performance, and the Justin timberlake vs. Nick Lachey celebrity game was incredible as well. Special thanks to every Ohio State player not named Jamar Butler. It’s got to be hard to progressively get worse throughout the season. Some dude on the radio today said the bad season would help kosta koufos come back next year. Fanfuckingtastic. I say, have fun in Grease Kosta, you worthless bastard. Poor Jamar Butler, the best thing to ever come out of Shawnee High School. He’s actually pretty damn good, he just has to play the entire game. Oh well, big NCAA games this week should lift my spirits.Did anyone see they made a new Knight Rider? the voice of K.I.T.T. is Val Kilmer. His career is really taking off. Between this and the return of Indiana Jone’s this could be the the greatest period in human history. Who didn’t love Knight Rider as a kid? They may have changed the car to a mustang, but I’m sure the emmies will be rolling in. As for Indiana Jones, it’s about time. Who hasn’t swung on a rope, ate out of a monkey’s skull or whipped an arab without humming the theme song to raiders of the lost ark? We may have to consider Indiana as the new baby name.

Posted on Monday, February 18, 2008 at 08:51PM by CTGOBUCKS | 12 Comments

Happy Valentine’s Day!!!

Hope everyone gets laid, it’s Valentines Day!!! Sarah and I boozed it up all night long. She’s drinkin for two, so she’s no longer a cheap date. Maybe it’s the pregnancy, maybe there’s a little complacancy being married five years, but no traditional valentines day affairs for us. No fancy dinners, no long stem roses. Fajitas and lots of chocolate, and a few Bud Lights. Sounds good to me.The sting of not having reds tickets is really setting in. I’ll do “anything” for opening day tickets. “Anything” So if anyone wants all the yardwork done, or even a “hot-lunch” let me know. I’m desperate. What was so wrong about the old system? I realize this way they get people to buy tickets to more than just opening day, but has anyone in the reds front office considered not having a team that’s shitty? I doubt teams like the yankees and red sox have to sell their opening day tickets this way. I’m sure even the lowly cubs get by without resorting to these tactics, they suck worse than anyone, and still get people to fill in that shit hole know as wrigley day in and day out. Maybe it’s the fact that residents of Chicago aren’t all hillbillies, maybe it’s the draft Olde Style, nobody knows. All I know is this. if I don’t make it to opening day, I’m gonna be a real asshole to be around until odell thurman falls off the wagon, or the Buckeyes win a bowl game. My money’s on odell.

This day also marks one of my favorite days of the year. the day the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue arrives! For centuries this edition has ushered boys into manhood. It’s not as cool as like ‘Brown Sugar’ or ‘Swank’, and no it dosn’t arrive as often as the Victorias Secret catalog, but it’s packed with sexiness, and has been a staple underneath young boys mattresses for years. In honor of this holiest of days, I bring you the SI Swimsuit edition of “who would you rather bang?”

Kathy Ireland vs. Elle Macpherson

Miss Ireland was so hot she didn’t even need to be from Ireland, to take the name. Apparently she’s from California, but we won’t hold that against her. Not only did she steam up the pages of the SI Swimsuit edition for years http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/swimsuit/collection/issues/ultimate_swimsuit/ult_kireland_01.html  She also had one hell of an acting career. She stole Emilio Estevez’s heart in ‘Loaded Weapon’ in where she proved she had no problems hookin up in a trailer. Her greatest, and most heralded award was for her role in one of the top 38 football movies of all time, Necessary Roughness. In this film she changed the world of placekicking for all time. Her clutch kicking helped the Paul Blake led TSU Armadillos pull of a miracle season, capped off with a win over rival Texas university. She did however like to kick dudes in the nuts. She loses points for this.

Elle Macpherson, a hottie from down under backs down to nobody. http://www.sipictures.com/source/CFW/details_Pop.aspx?iid=92065839&cdi=0 She was a staple cover girl, and had many a sexy photoshoot inside, for years. Her acting career was not nearly as vast. She appeared as a guest star for a few episodes on ‘friends’, which we will dock her points for. She did more than cancel this out by posing in playboy http://nudes-celeb.net/tgp/1_Elle_Macpherson/elle-macpherson-nude_11.jpg This should level the playing field. She also apparently was nude in a few B-movie roles, I’ll have to check late night Cinemax for more details.

Let the voting begin.

Posted on Thursday, February 14, 2008 at 10:15PM

First Blog

Chris!  You have a blog!That is correct! My name is Chris, I am a moderately perverted Ohioan in his late twenties, who enjoys life in all forms, beer, sports, watching stupid people negotiate everday life, and spending time with friends and family. In the next couple of months, my wife and I will become first time parents. We’re not sure what the make or model of the baby will be yet, but with extensive research I’ve narrowed it down to either male or female. My dreams include raising a great family, and several future lottery winners, traveling to Africa, and being attacked by something when I get there, and watching the Bengals, Buckeyes and Reds win another title. Heavy emphasis on the Buckeyes beating an SEC school for the title. They are all godless bastards (SEC folk), who would no doubt date rape a close relative given the chance. I have no doubt that god has given them back to back wins over OSU out of pity; I’ve been to Florida and seen the people who live there, trust me a couple of sports championships over the Bucks won’t help you vote properly, or add value to your trailer, so fuck off. P.S. shitting in the tampa area hot tub was on the house last time, next one ya gots to pay for.  I also enjoy cooking, and the food network.  I’ve recently added Paula Deen back to my list of famous people I’m allowed to have sex with. Not that there is any kind of attraction, just that it will make a highly entertaining story. I am happy to announce OSU CB Malcom Jenkins has decided to return for his senior year.  Good luck Malcom, we’ll need ya if we are gonna win it all.

My fears include all types of birds, E.T. and my penis having an un-obstructed path to a running microwave. I did recently overcome my fear of birds, when I carried a live pheasant. I was quite worried, but did O.K. Eventually I named the bird Hector, and we became friends. Moments later I shot his punk ass, since that was the whole point, and I don’t like birds. I recently quit dipping, after several years, and have gone a whole week without the stuff, so naturally I am afriad of the dentist. My wife and I have a year old Labrador/German Shepherd mix, and I am afraid to leave him alone as he is a bastard.

In this blog I hope to alienate anyone closely associated with me, poke fun at people who take themselves or their life too seriously, and convince everyone why Ohio is the greatest place on earth. Maybe I’ll keep some friends up to date on my life, maybe I’ll make some stuff up, and get sued, only time will tell. Feel free to add some kickass comments, check out the pics, or just kill time at work, as that is how this blog was born. This is the type of stuff we’ll cover here. If you have high morales, or no sense of humor, well it sucks to be you.

Posted on Wednesday, January 9, 2008 at 10:15PM

Things to ponder…

As I sit here in the basement, enjoying some of the best Bud Light money can buy, there’s a few things I need to get off my chest.First off people of Louisville. I’m Watching Bobby Flay throwdown with some good ole kentucky boys. Let me say first, I love Kentucky, and have had awesome times every time I’ve been there, and Bourbon has and will always be my go to liquor. However the folks in louisville insist on pronouncing it LOUIVULLE. I get the silent “S” I really do, but it’s a ‘Ville” and not a ‘Vulle’. People in Jacsonville don’t stop and correct people, by saying “JACKSONVULLE”. It’s how it’s spelled, say it that way! Ohioans are smart enough to not try and pull off pronouncing our capital city ‘CALAMBAS’ because it’s spelled columbus, and we say it that way. This is why people make jokes about Kentucky, this and the sodomy.

Secondly, the OSU vs. The SEC 0-9 stat. Really? I know it’s a horrible stat, but does the bear bryant vs. woody hayes ‘78 game really translate to modern football? Or the two games we had Steve Bellisari as the quarterback? Or the two games we played Peyton Manning who may be the greatest QB in history, weeks after devastating losses to michigan, killed our championship hopes. Do these really count? I say the Georgia, LSU and Florida games count, outside of that shut the fuck up. We’ll get ya sooner or later, in the mean time get those carnival rides up and running, I got a kid on the way, and we wanna ride some rides.

Thirdly, Tony Romo. You suck dude. Not really, you played poorly, but your line sucked. They were out of shape, and ready to stop at halftime, and your receivers stop running half the time, only to have you throw the ball, then start running again, and have it land just out of reach. I hope you and jessica simpson have a great time in the offseason. Now I have to watch Eli Manning go against Favre in Lambaeu, and since the colts fucked it up, New England has to pass 2 drug tests and collect their superbowl rings. Really, I’m 28 and I’ve seen maybe 3 good superbowls. Is there anyway we can get a Falcons Dolphins superbowl, just to keep Vegas honest?

Finally, the media who hates my Buckeyes. Thanks. In the past year the state of ohio has finished 2nd in just about everything. I know the BCS is a fucked up system, but it’s a lot better than the previous 75 or so years of college football, where you might see 1 game a week on TV and whoever got voted the champion from one of about 8 big time schools was the champ, and that was that. OSU Overachieved big time all year, had one slip up, and got a shot at the title against a team who lost to 2 bad teams, and nearly lost to two more. It’s college football. The buckeyes, though they looked horrible two years in a row are still a great team. Too many mistakes, and some shitty coaching cost them the game. LSU played great, but can you honestly say that if Brian Robiske holds on to the ball in the endzone, we don’t rough the kicker, or block that punt for that matter, or have 6 personal fouls in general, that the buckeyes couldn’t have won? For some reason  we decided that Beanie Wells was doing to well, and only used him sparingly in quarters 2-4, and that brandon saine was too fast to be fair. As for the SEC speed. Was it the white tight end that never caught a pass all year and was completely uncovered, after lining up in a gimic formation? Or the 350 lb. black lineman? Shut the fuck up. Brandon Saine is faster in the 100 yds than anyone in High School History, I guess he got slower while training at OSU. Either way, OSU has USC, Illinois, and an over-rated Wisconsin program as there big road games next year. Penn state, and Michigan are in the shoe, and michigan’s program will be 2 years away from being able to compete at a national level, and since terrell prior is gonna be a buckeye, it may be longer. OSU will be undefeated at seasons end next year, and the national media better save their voice, cause we’ll be back at it next season, and who knows, maybe Ohio will actually win something. If not, we’ll go down in history with the Buffallo Bills as the only dynasty to never actually win anything.

P.S. Tim Tebow drinks his own pee

Posted on Sunday, January 13, 2008 at 10:31PM

Snow snow snow

Remember when we were kids and we would be delighted, when upon waking we saw that overnight the ground outside became covered in snow? Remember the first time you had to wake up early, mildly hung over, only to have to scrape a window with a Metallica CD Case, because it fucking snowed, and you still have to work? How much better, would life be in the midwest if we had snow days? For Adults? When did we go from bright eyed kids, listening to hear our schools name announced “canceled” on the Radio, to over bundled assholes, trying to decide between toughing out another day at the office, or crashing into an unsuspecting neighbor, just to get out of work? Today we woke up in Columbus OH with a moderate dusting of snow. Not enough to get out of school, but maybe a two hour delay. Has anyone stopped and thought that the reason we are all getting fat, prematurely bald, and addicted to retarded assed reality TV, is that we no longer get snow days? Why should non-taxpaying minors get to enjoy mother natures fury, and we still have to press on? I say we start a movement to get adult snow days. We could all go sledding, with or without clothes, and come inside to warm up to a nice irish coffee, followed by a round of 10:00 A.M. beers. We could build perverted snowmen, with giant schlongs, and pelt the underdeveloped neighbor kids with a finely packed ice ball, right in their big fat head. Maybe we wouldn’t have to listen to folks in the more fair weather cities talk about “how nice it is in january”. We could counter there banter with” I huffed VCR cleaner and made a face down nude snow angel today.” We’ve installed seat warmers in our cars, just for days like today, but instead of using them after building snow forts, we use them to go to Kroger. I used to pile in a car with friends, break several laws, cruise around town, sled, snow mobile, and just plain kill brain cells, and cheat death. Now I go to an office on snowy days. Think of how much more fun snow days would be now that we are all grown up. We have money, cars, and generally don’t need permission to do what we want. We could hire strippers to be cheerleaders for our snow football games, carry flasks in our winter coats, and ruin pants WE paid for. I know in the end I would end up drinking beer all afternoon, and playing video games while simultaneously watching my 8th loop of sportscenter, only to pass out around 7 and wake up the next morning hung over, and scraping my windows with another CD case. A boy can dream though. I do still appreciate the snow. I just wish we could utilize it in a more constructive manner, and enjoy life a little more. Instead we’ll keep watching the radar channel rooting for the storm to swing north and hit Cleveland. By the way. I watched the Pete Rose hits # 4192, and 4193 game on TV tonight. How awesome would that have been if I could have spent the day playing in the snow, and getting hammered, then watch the game, instead of going to the office. Oh well maybe next time. If anyone wants to blow off the next snow day, I’ll bust out the super NES and school somebody in Ken Griffey Jr. baseball.

Posted on Monday, January 14, 2008 at 10:29PM

Big day all around

Today congress had another day off. Not big on the political thing, but over lunch I was able to enjoy the U.S. Congress letting baseball’s executives know how they felt. Some bull dyke from who knows where, used the terms “great american passtime” and “apple pie” in the same sentance. She should be demoted to Highway roadkill remover. The other’s all did the same obligatory thanking this guy, and mentioning that guy, and then berrated, Donald Fehr, and Bud Selig, while getting their 15 minutes of fame in, and all saying the same thing. Lets get one thing straight. Baseball is fucked up. But outside of Clemens, who gives a shit about the steroids? Yeah it happened, but isn’t there a war going on? Isn’t the economy, and the housing market going to shit? How’s that healthcare, and social security coming? If you wanna fix baseball lets make it so the Reds have the same budget as, oh, let’s say, the yankees. Or how about the fact that Stub Hub has 1,200 opening day tickets on sale now, and the reds haven’t even announced the on sale date for opening day. Or what about $6.25 for a beer? If you wanna get my vote by fixing baseball, send Adam Dunn to Iraq. And can we please get a St. bernard to shit on the grass at a home game?Rich Rodriquez, or Dick Rod. as he is known amongst the Thomas family, is off to a roaring start. So far he has fired all the ass. coaches from UM, not paid his buyout, ran off the only QB they have, and sent 2 good receivers to the NFl early. Now today we find out he was pulling an Enron, before he left. What the fuck do you need to shred as a football coach. I can see deleting all the porn files from the university CPU. Were you shredding dental records? Oh that’s right, you’re from West Virginia. My guess is Steve Slaton’s Entrance test scores are nowhere to be found. Wolverine fans better hope they get terrell prior, cause if not, good luck on the coaching search in 2011. They did manage to keep their big running back recruit. Oh wait he is white…good luck with that. Nothing like building a program around a white running back.Although anyone who watched the BCS debacle part deux could say different. Either way, Fuck Michigan.

This afternoon while picking up Rudi from his “doggie daycare” (that’s right, we’re rock stars, we have doggie daycare), I was attacked by a little cocksucker of a dog who weighed all of 9 pounds. He kept snarling, and snapping at me as I walked by, paying no attention to him, as he wieghed 9 pounds, and punting him into a pond was not an option, as there were witnesses, who may have owned said dog. He bit me more than once, but since it is hell frozen over, my 18 layers of clothes made it laughable. Once I got Rudi, said bastard dog continued his attack. Well, after the third nip, rudi went ape-shit. It took all of 2 seconds for Rudi to have him pinned on the ground, with the death grip jaws ready to finish him off. A 1 year old mixed bread weighing at last check 85 pounds, vs. a 9 pound sausage dog. Somewhere, Mike Vick has a Boner. Since said old lady’s were still standing there, I pulled my dog off, but gave him an extra doggie bone when we got home. Tonight Rudi’s farts smell a little sweeter.

On a side note. This next paragraph will likely put me away for good in the future. To Whomever keeps breaking into the shed at my parents pond, and stealing my fishing poles. FUCK YOU!  I will Kill you, and your body will be half-assed disposed of in the pond. Look, I’m no cat burglar, but I have broken my share of laws. Follow these easy steps.

1. Break into a building with at the very least electricity. My wall-mart poles are worth shit. Go for the Plasma’s and maybe a Blueray or two. 8×10 Sheds on a farm pond aren’t the gold mine they used to be.

2. Good job covering your tracks, since there is snow on the ground, and you left footprints, heading straight to your house….Tony Desenberg, I want my poles back. If not i will tell the newspapers your Uncle Dave, my High School History Teacher and football coach touched me in the “special places”. Since nobody clearly drove back there, and you have the only house for 2 miles in that direction, it’s not a tough crime to crack.

3. Whenever breaking into a building with a padlock, try using the key that is hanging 6 inches from the lock, before breaking a window, and then climbing in through broken glass. Intestinal wounds are a bastard.

4. Break in next time say, around the saturday after april 9th, or the 4th of July around, say 1 A.M. That guy Combat drinking bud-lights around a campfire, never has a firearm, or legitimate witnesses to confirm his insanity.

I realize all of 9 people read this, but for hopes sake, spread the word. Maybe we can get enough people to read this, and we can catch the culprit. Maybe we can even march in downtown Lima until Justice is served, every saturday morning. I’m sure the pissed of Black people in Lima won’t mind a honky or two joining the fight for justice.

Posted on Tuesday, January 15, 2008 at 11:11PM